Okay, the universe is trying to tell me something….For the second day in a row, I’ve turned on the 80’s music channel on t.v. and Red, Red, Wine starts. I’m telling you…the t.v. is like a best friend trying to talk you into drinking, when you know you shouldn’t. I love wine. Truly love it. Sometimes it is a depressant, and that totally fucking sucks. It’s like your boyfriend cheating on you. They are supposed to make you feel all good inside and bam! Haven’t thought about something awful in a long time? Wine will remind you and make you as sad as the day it happened. Other times, it is my favorite feeling. I feel warm, relaxed, social – the things I want to always feel but don’t. Huh. Not how I thought this blog would start, but the universe thought I needed to get some thoughts out, I guess.
I hope this Valentine’s Day is treating you well. I guess it’s like wine for many, in how they feel about it. It has never been a big deal to me. I usually think of my Grandma June, as it was her birthday. I don’t think she liked me much, but I still think of her. VDay is one week before my birthday, so Brian always jokes about blending the two together. He jokes, but he does do this. The poor guy got home this morning after being gone for work for 16 ½ hours. He still came home with a sweet card. That, to me, is the best. As tired as he was, he thought of me. What did I get him? Uh, I thought we would wait until he had a day off. Whoops. Oh man. ONJ just came on. Maybe I should turn off the music. Distracting. Any song by her takes me back, but especially Magic (which is playing). Put on your roller skates and find a cute partner for the couples skate. Anyway, my love language is gifts and services. I will make Brian some cookies. We are out of eggs, so I need to figure the best egg substitute. The house if clean. I will pack an emergency bag for the car for him. It is -20 wind chill right now and only supposed to get colder. His laundry is clean. Dinner is made for him to take. This may not be how you view romance, but if those things are done for me – Bam! Panties off. I think they call this choremance.
Last weekend I was putting groceries away and noticed the 1,000 bags of nearly empty bags of chips scattered around. Shame on me for continuing to buy them, but every time I look, I see we are almost out. I don’t eat chips much, so it’s not something I keep a close eye on. This type of shit makes me bat shit crazy…. Every day in this house is an act of self-restraint. I have gotten much better in recent years about holding it all in. It does no good to ask for help or point things out. Still, I do speak up sometimes. Yesterday was one of those days, and Brian says, ”If you weren’t so cute, I’d find you annoying.” Grrrr….sweet but grrrrr. I Hate a dirty house. It is especially worse amid a pandemic, weather that is unfit to go out in, and being jobless. I work hard to keep it all up. It makes me feel good to clean. I love the instant results. It makes it much harder, when I’m constantly cleaning up after 3 able bodies boys. Back in the day, Brian and I had agreement that whoever doesn’t cook, had to clean up. That went out the window years ago. I usually do both. It is fine now, though. He is working. I am not. I remind myself of this every day. We have a small entry way. I put in a shoe house or whatever it’s called. If I were to look now, there are probably seven pair of shoes kicked up next to it. Like a fucking inch away… If I were to walk into the boys’ bathroom right now, I’ll likely see an electric toothbrush sitting right in front of the charger, an empty tp roll on the roller and a roll on the counter. The soap may be out – when there’s a big thing of refillable hand wash under the sink. A stack of Brian and Cal’s dirty clothes – Ryne got tired of me bitching a year or so ago and does pick his up. On some days, my toothpaste is also in there (because nobody looked under the cabinet or in the drawer to see where I have them stocked). It is recycling put on the counter, because apparently the trash can I have labeled “recycling” is too far away (but maybe six feet – I know since I’m the only one who takes it or the garbage out). I could go on and on and on…It is maddening.
As I’ve gotten older, I have come to realize more and more – what is most important. Sure, the things above make me fucking nuts, but I have learned to let those things go more easily. I think of Brian, tired, stressed, and he stops to get me a card. I would have been fine with him coming right home to sleep. I went back to the bed when he got home, because I know he sleeps best when I’m next to him. I stayed there for about an hour until I knew he was sleeping hard. We have been together – oh shit – quick math – 28 years, and he wants me next to him. He makes me laugh every single day. He works hard for our family. He has taken on the responsibility of making the money while I try to figure things out for myself. He never says, are you going to eat all of that or haven’t you had enough to drink? He is attracted to me at any weight, and I find him as sexy as the day we met. He is faithful. He has stayed with me, when I wouldn’t have blamed him for leaving.
Yes, life with boys is not easy. I might be going through a midlife crisis (okay, I know I’m older than midlife, but in my head -that’s how I see it) as far as a career, but I feel grounded in my home life. I’m lucky to have my life with boys.
Today is the last time I will post my blog to my personal home page. I will continue to on the diaryofherjourney FB page. It is too hard for me to be vulnerable to so many people. If people want to read this, hopefully they will subscribe on the home page of the blog. It will only email you if I post something new. I would like to grow this with people who have my best interest at heart and are helping me to realizing a dream.
Damn, I can’t get Red, Red, Wine out of my head.
We will talk about how bad I’ve been shitting the bed on my food choices next time.
I hope this day finds you right where you want to be.
~Jenn
diaryofherjourney 