Happy Saturday! I hope you are in the midst of some Springtime weather. Last week we had a snowstorm, and I think everyone was pulling their hair out, including the birds who were visibly saying – what the fuck?! We’ve had some spring showers, but living out here, I appreciate the sound of rain. It rains so much less here than the NW or Alaska.
The change in weather has allowed me to be active outdoors again. When I found out my surgery date (April 15), I had just over thirty days, and I vowed to make the most of every day until surgery. Thankfully, I’ve been able to do it all outdoors. The weather doesn’t need to be perfect for me to enjoy hiking, forest preserves or walking trails: it just needs to be free of too much ice. My body fights me in different ways every day, but thankfully my determination and sense of appreciation for this body, are stronger than the pain. I know it won’t be this way every day, but I’m grateful with everything going on, I’m able to keep going. If it starts to get bad while I’m out, I try to focus on the birds and the trees, the air, and everything that makes this world great. So far, it’s working.
Most of the time, it’s me and my dog Jesse. A couple/few times a week, friends or Brian are able to join. It was on a hike with a friend recently, that we were able to get up close and personal with an owl. I had never been so close to one. It just turned its head and stared at us for several moments before flying off. Breathtaking.
I’m continuing to lose weight. It isn’t happening as quickly as I’d like, but I am in the throws of some nasty hormonal shit. I celebrate each loss. I have been more dedicated this past couple of weeks than have in quite a while. With 2021, there have been weight losses, followed by gains, on and on, but I am happy with where I am right now. I have really put a lot into my food addiction lately and realizing just how strong it is. It is real. Every meal, I must choose me and my health, no matter how down I might be with the hormones. I was either in in PMS or bleeding the entire month of February. I just finished cramping a couple of days ago after eight straight days, complete with swollen boobs, and the period did not come. I’m not mad about not bleeding. It’s just weird shit. The hormones can bring me way down. Earlier this week, there were tears with no real reason. There have been days I have not wanted to get out of bed. Each morning, I choose me, and get my ass going – even when it feels like there is no purpose to any of it. I’m glad I can recognize the hormonals stuff. It makes me feel less crazy.
The hormones have jacked up my sleep. I don’t have obsessive thinking in the way I used to, but while I am awake at night, I think a lot about food. I knew I was going to be getting Thai food from my favorite place yesterday, and I probably spend an hour thinking through if I was going to get a lunch portion (which I break into 1 ½ meals) or the dinner size (nearly 3). It’s not as if I don’t ever get to eat here. A friend and I have a standing Thai date. We get takeout from this restaurant, nearly every week. No matter what meal or snack, I have probably thought about it repeatedly, wanting something else, before settling on what’s best for me. I am glad I make the right choices most of the time. Sometimes that choice, is something that isn’t healthy. Last week, I hiked with friends. We grabbed breakfast and doughnuts to bring to my house. I thoughtfully figured out my breakfast and even ate a filled Long John doughnut. Let me tell you, I mouth fucked that doughnut. It was the best thing ever. I didn’t feel guilty for eating it. I accounted for it. I adjusted my day around it. One of the greatest rewards of watching what you’re eating, is getting to enjoy food. Had I not been counting points and off in denial land, I likely would have eaten two or three (maybe four) that day, and not really tasted any of them.
Through the ups and downs of life, there have been some real highs. I spoke to my editor last week, and she had the greatest things to say about my book. It has taken a long time to get to this point, but it is close to ready. She said she sees this book being a hit in book clubs. This editor had told me many times before it wasn’t ready. She has given me so much guidance. I’ve stayed with it, so to hear such positive things, feels really good. She is not blowing smoke up my ass. She spent and hour and a half with me (at no charge) just talking about the story and how to get it out there. I am also…..finally happy with it. It feels good to read it. The flow is there. Who knew it would take so much work just to get a good flow? I’ve learned so much in this process. No matter what happens with it: I am proud of my efforts and the story.
I had a big low on Monday, when I found out I had psoriasis. I was on a regular dermatologist appointment, when she pointed it out and asked questions. It is on the bottom of one foot now but has been on both. I thought it was from hiking with moisture in the socks. Look, I said “moisture,” not “moist.” I know a lot of us hate that word. Moist. Anyway, it was a knockdown punch. It is an autoimmune thing, and of course, that would make anyone stop and take a breath. I was also pissed. The foot thing came out of left field and now this. I let it get to me for a few days, but I am treating the psoriasis now and it seems to be responding. I hate that I have something that never really goes away, but it is mild. At least I know about it and will just continue on with my journey. I can’t do much more than that, so I’m not going to lose sleep over it. Oh, but apparently it is usually brought on by illness. I only noticed it in the past few months. My guess is, the crap going on with my cycle did it. Fucking cycle.
I haven’t been writing here, as I didn’t feel good about writing while going through some of what the hormonal shifts have brought. It has all given me more reason to work on self-awareness. I’m focusing on what brings value to my life. That’s where my energy needs to be. It is a freeing place – to not be consumed about trying to make everyone else happy. I live in this head. I live in this body. It has taken me nearly fifty years, but I am so glad to have finally arrived at a place of putting myself first. I hope you are doing this same.
Take care my friends. I hope this weekend brings you health and happiness. -Oh, the video below….shitballs. This will kick you right in the crotch. Ed lost someone close to him a few weeks ago, due to COVID. He wrote the song in response, and it is pure emotion. Dear God, what we wouldn’t all do for visiting hours in heaven.
~Jen
diaryofherjourney 