The past four weeks have tested me in different ways. I worked hard to be strong, tough, vulnerable, practice self-love, and appreciation. I know there is contradiction is some of those things, but life is real, and we try to use the tools that will service us best (insert vibrator joke here).
Eight days before my foot surgery was to take place, I learned I needed a biopsy on my breast. This didn’t come as a huge shock. They’ve been pulling the boobs every which way for a couple of years now. In addition to this, I had recently developed a hard area in my boob. I knew the likelihood of a biopsy was there, but I still hoped they’d tell me the calcifications were still considered normal. Instead, there were more, and the existing ones had grown. Calcifications are typically not cancerous, but there is cause for concern when they are in clusters, which is what I now have, in different places. They wanted to biopsy the largest area.
I was shaken at the news of needing a biopsy – especially when everything was in place for the much needed surgery on my foot. I had been pushing myself physically for that month before the mammogram, and my body was starting to rebel. I was in a lot of pain. I consulted with the radiologist and my doctor and decided to move ahead with the foot/ankle surgery as planned and do the biopsy as soon as I could (I would be able to sit in a chair to have it done). I was nervous about a lot of things, but I wouldn’t let myself confide my fears with anyone.
The foot/ankle surgery went well, and until the fifth day, I thought – shit – I got this. It’s about then that the blocker wore off (a blocker they don’t tell you, you have). Things got a lot more painful at this point. Still, I went ahead with a couple of phone/zoom interviews I had set up. The first one was on the phone the day the pain really started in. I couldn’t take a pain pill until after the interview. I did the interview, laying in bed, with my eyes closed. The next one was two days later and was a zoom interview. Showering and everything at that point was still tough, but I felt good about looking like a human being and using my brain for something other than talking myself out of pain.
Later in the week (eight days post op), I got my second vaccine. Thankfully all went well, but it was a lot on my body at that point to leave the house and use a knee scooter to go through a large building.
The interviews went well enough for me to have follow up interviews the following week. One required me to be on-site. It was a 50 minute drive (Ryne drove me, since I’m sill unable to drive – hopefully will get the okay for doc next week) each way. The interview was three hours (it was also the third interview total with them – this is normal for what I do). Holy smokes, this wore me out. The next day I had my third interview with another company, which was 3.5 hours on zoom.
I was offered one job, and I haven’t gotten a decision on the other yet (guessing I didn’t get it at this point as was supposed to have heard by now). The one job offer was a great offer. I just knew in my gut, it was not the best fit for me. I was worried about a healthy work/life balance. I turned it down. I have now turned down several offers. I fight the angel on one shoulder that tells me I’ll know the right opportunity, and the devil on the other, that tells me I’m crazy. Every job I’ve turned down was for more money than I’ve ever made. I am working on trusting myself with this. Today, I had a fourth interview with a different company. I think it went fairly well, but we will see. I’m most interested in it, because I would be working with a formal colleague, whom I think highly of. I have an interview with another company this week. This one would be for less money but there would be less responsibility. I don’t know….I’m all over the board.
Two weeks after surgery, I had the bandages removed. That in itself was quite painful, as the early layers were soaked in blood and stuck to the stitches. The stitches were removed and a new x-ray was done – putting weight on my foot. This appointment was in middle of the interviews, and it kicked my ass. I ended up very sick that night. I think the pain of everything came out in illness and stomach pain. It was awful. Thankfully I did move into a walking boot that day, though.
Three weeks after surgery, I rolled through the hospital on my knee scooter (too far to walk on walking boot) and got my biopsy. Start to finish was about an hour and a half. It wasn’t too painful and the staff was exceptionally caring. I was told results would be quick, about two days, unless they have a hard time deciphering the results, then they will need to send to the Mayo Clinic and would be 4-7 days. Oh, I did get cheered by staff as I rolled off after the biopsy – made me feel strong.
Staying calm and keeping a positive attitude wasn’t always easy. I’ve been in pain from the surgery, every single day. My foot and ankle are still quite swollen and completely discolored. The first few days ticked by and I remained relatively calm. It wasn’t until the additional days went by, that I started to panic. It was six working days in, that I did the fucking googling. I knew better, and then I got ever more freaked out. I wanted to reach out to friends. I didn’t want to put that on my family. I wanted to talk through everything I was feeling. I have worked hard on being vulnerable, over the years, in therapy. I had come a long way and then things in life happen, and I went backwards and am still a work in process in making myself vulnerable to people. I couldn’t talk it through, but I did send a text to a lifelong friend, telling her I was having a tough day. I also reached out to a local friend and asked if we could go to dinner that night. I know she has a busy life, with small children, and she recognized I would not normally reach out asking to do something that day. She asked if I was okay. I told her I was struggling and wanted to get out of the house. I’m so glad I was vulnerable enough to do that, and I’m so glad that she is part of our adopted family out here. We had a great dinner. I splurged on an expensive meal and the night was not about everything I was going through, it was just about two girlfriends getting together and enjoying time.
The next day (nine days after biopsy), I learned that the calcifications didn’t appear cancerous. Thank the good Lord. They want me to return in six months to be rechecked. I guess Lumpy here, will just need to get used to the fact that the titties will be poked and prodded a lot over my lifetime.
It has been during this four weeks, that two of the people I’m closest to, both got COVID. One didn’t have it bad, while the other one has had much more of an illness. She seems like she is doing better today, and I’m so grateful. Our niece also had an eight-hour surgery. She had been going through some health issues. They wanted to avoid the surgery until she was older, as she is young. Thankfully the surgery went well. Another relative has been going through health issues. My friend that has been battling cancer made the trek out to our house to bring food and gifts. I was so touched, that he would think of me, in my relatively minor surgery, while he is still going through all he is.
Things have just felt especially heavy lately. I know a lot of this is due to the pain and not being able to drive. I can’t deal with stress in my normal ways of hiking, taking my dog for a walk, going to therapy, or just going for a drive. I love my husband, but we have very different love languages when it comes to empathy. I know this about him, so I have to focus on all the good and know that he doesn’t understand what I go through.
A friend came and got me out into nature yesterday. We didn’t do much walking, but it was enough to make my foot/ankle angry with me today – but it was fucking worth it. The adopted family/friend is taking me to the Soap Shop this week, too. I’m finally asking my friends to get me out, and I’m glad my body is at a place where it can get out and do some things. I’m really hoping I get the green light next week to move into a men’s shoe (this will be for two months, because of swelling). I will also be going to physical therapy. I see the pot at the end of the rainbow. Finding out the biopsy was good and getting out have helped me a ton. I know I sound like a whiner, but you are reading a much healthier version of what I wrote to myself last week. Life isn’t always easy. At the same time, you know many have it a million times worse. Even with this, I think it’s healthy to honor your own feelings. My takeaway from this is also to work on my own vulnerability. I have too many wonderful people in my life, to trust they won’t hear me or be there for me. I think the next book I read may have to be Brene Brown, about vulnerability.
Thanks for letting me ramble. Things are looking up – as of today, there are no more steri strips on boob or foot and ankle. God has answered a lot of prayers for those I love and for myself.
I’ll leave you with some Genesis – I totally splurged and bought tickets to see them. I figure, it’s a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Have a wonderful week,
Jenn
diaryofherjourney 