Jenn – Page 3 – diaryofherjourney

Days 2-3 and a lifetime in making

Happy Hump Day! I have known and used the phrase Hump Day since I was a kid. My stepdad was in radio and he made a big deal of Hump Day every Wednesday over the airwaves. I can still hear him. For most of life that is what I have thought about until recent years when those annoying commercials came out with the camels. My husband does it in that camel voice every Wednesday. It makes the boys crazy but I like seeing my husband get giddy, like a kid. Mostly, though, I think about a friend who was telling another friend and I how she and her husband rarely have sex. She wanted to fix that, and I told her she should start using Hump Day to get it on and make it a standing date. I cannot remember their path, but their relationship did improve. When they got pregnant, my other friend said, Well, it must have happened on a Wednesday.

I am now three days into a renewed energy toward weight loss. I have gained and lost weight my entire life. Most of it just gaining. In recent years, I lost a total of approximately 140 pounds. I know for sure it was 120 but when my weight got that high – I refused to weigh myself again and likely put on another 20 after that. I have put 76 pounds of that lost weight back on. That was hard to say. I do not think I had admitted that to anyone (although, I am sure they could tell by looking at me). Since then, I have lost 26 pounds and have fifty pounds to get to my goal weight.

I know the reasons I gained the weight back. We all have our own journeys that have led us to different types of addictions. I could not control getting sick. I had no idea that my body was depleting potassium due to a blood pressure prescription. I knew I was sick but when the brain is not functioning properly, one does not think clearly. This happened for months before I ended up nearly dying. When I was sick, I damaged my body. Pounding the hell out of it while working out and trying to get my mental health better but could not feel my body. I did not know this, because again, my brain was not functioning properly. This led to the plate in my neck and the reason I am told I need back surgery. I am not rehashing things a lot of my regular readers know for any other reason to say – I could not stop this. I did not know what was happening. I could, however, have reacted to my circumstances differently. How I reacted, caused the weight gain. How I have reacted to things my whole life, has caused the weight gain. Nearly dying didn’t make me gain the weight – how I responded to it, did.

It sucks being accountable for our mistakes. I just chuckled out loud to myself as I have made many mistakes in my time on earth. My cousin once told me, we cannot control a lot in our life, but we can control what we eat. She is spot on. If life feels out of control, we should take control where we can. This is what helps to keep us sane.

I feel this in my bones….I will lose this fifty pounds. I will live a healthy life. The fire is here. I have accountability by exposing myself to anyone who stumbles upon this blog.

I am only on day 3 of this new and improved journey but I feel great (outside of a body that screams at me most of the day). I will be 49 in a matter of weeks. I really do not know how in the fuck that happened. My brain thinks I am 29 and I will continue listening to her. My journey will be slow and I am okay with that. I have grown a lot in this way in these last years. My eye is on the prize. I will get there one pound at a time.

I hope you continue to follow along this journey. During this, I hope you are inspired to create your own goals.

It might be hard to put your faith in me. I have already gained, gained, gained, lost, gained, losing. I am also someone who was at Costco yesterday and had to wear my glasses on top of my head as they kept fogging up. I had to use the restroom (which completely freaked me out) and was careful to avoid touching all I could. I went back out and continued to shop. I was all the way across the building when I realized my glasses were not on top of my head. I panicked and power walked back to the bathroom in fear, picturing them on the floor of a public bathroom. I panicked even more when they were not there. I began to retrace my steps, before realizing, my glasses were on my face.

I tell you this story, so you know, without a doubt – if I can take this journey toward better health- so can you.

Days 2,3 over 10k steps each day, continued plank challenge, did 5 girl pushups today, did (3) sets of 15 arm workouts with 3-pound weights. I dipped into my extra WW points yesterday but am eating well. Past versions of myself would be too embarrassed to tell where I am at – but this version is nothing but proud.

I hope you can look back at your days and be proud, too.

Jenn

Accountability

Day one or one day. We have likely all heard this saying. I usually think, tomorrow will be day one or I scroll past it thinking fuck you to the person who seemingly has their shit together (I mean, how dare they) – while I throw down a Pepsi or glass of wine. To say today was day one is misleading. I have been doing baby steps or even had times of kicking ass over the last couple of months. I have not been on point since Christmas Eve, though. I did great Christmas Eve during the day, even having a plan in place but then I committed the ultimate sin of going too long between eating and then I hit the buffet of food the boys had lined up when I got home. Christmas was wonderful but by that evening I got a tinge of depression. This often happens on holidays, even when they are great. For the most part, I know what drives it but feel powerless to combat it in the moment. This year, I allowed myself to feel it. We cannot be happy all of the time. Fast forward another week and getting hit by a truck and well, there have been more poor eating days than good. Today, though, I was on point. Today, is the day I start documenting my journey in this new platform. I may not write every day but will do brief account of what is going on when I do.

I took a big step yesterday in asking the bff to be my accountability partner. She is someone I admire and who has laser focus. I gave her a brief rundown of my commitments for the week: At least 30 minutes aerobic activity per day, plank challenge each day, 3 days of light weights. She sent me hers and it is much more ambitious than mine as well as extremely detailed. She is fierce and I have no doubt she will accomplish her goals.

Today was my first day of commitment to move for at least 30 minutes. Good Lord, I did not wanna. I am tired of the cold. It is icy and there’s frozen snow everywhere. I am a big fucking baby when it comes to these Midwest winters (which if funny since I grew up in Alaska). Thankfully, I made a commitment to her (because I fail myself all the time but usually do not fail others) to get it done and I did. I took Jesse (my dog and PIC) out for a 50-minute walk and I ended up hitting my 10,000 steps for the day. I did the first plank since my neck surgery. I have been afraid of injuring myself for far too long and was pleased that I could do the 20 seconds of day 1. I will attach below if you would like to join in. My foot is fucked up, so I had to do it on my knees but (that’s what she said)….I am happy with my effort.

I hit my WW point allowance for the day. I get a decent number of points because of my weight but am satisfied with most of my decisions today.

Breakfast: Smoothie (banana, spinach, flax seed, chocolate Juice Plus, frozen blueberries and almond milk)

Lunch: Fresh green juice (cucumber, turmeric, apple, lemon, celery), toasted bagel thin (OMG…love – eat one most days) with 2 TBS whipped cream cheese and a boiled egg

Snack: 2/3 cup Frosted mini wheats with almond milk

Dinner: 2 Black bean tacos (beans, poblano peppers, cheese) and spring mix salad with 1 TBS Olive Garden dressing

I know many reading this will be unimpressed by my efforts but we all have our own journey. I go at a slow pace, but I have long term goals I know I will attain. Plus, I fucking hate being hungry – Truth.

I hope this post finds you in the midst of your health journey or planning your Day 1. Oh, and if you’re interested in following along, please go to the home page and subscribe.

~Jenn

Hindsight is 2020

Welcome to the new blog and website! I knew I needed to have a more positive name than, diariesofafatass. I am proud of that blog, but I no longer think of myself in that way. Don’t get me wrong….I have a lot of extra weight, but when I think of myself – my weight is not the first thing that comes to mind and no longer defines me. So, here I am, someone who doesn’t know shit about websites, with a new website, she can’t figure out (it’s not near as user friendly as the other platform). So please bear with me as I try to navigate through this thing.

I think we are all on the same page, as we wave goodbye to 2020 with middle fingers aloft. It is a year that changed us all.

2020 started out good for me. We had just hired a new senior manager. I was excited to have another person on the team and someone who could help with our ever-increasing workload. Right off the bat, you could tell she was not a people person. It was evident, by her telling us the blocks on her desk would be positioned each day to say what type of mood she was in. Oh boy. Even so, not everyone is a social butterfly. I was hopeful that she would bring a fresh energy to the group and happy to have a buffer between our nasty site leader.

At the end of February, I traveled to Costa Rica for my baby sister’s wedding. Brian made the decision not to come, as we were also going to Alaska in July and he couldn’t take two big trips (hindsight is 2020…). My lifelong friend, Caity was my roommate and was so glad she was there. It made our bond even stronger, which I did not know could be possible. It was a trip of a lifetime. Before this, I had only been to the UK on a work trip. All my other travels had been in the continental US. As beautiful and adventurous as it all was, seeing Brooke so happy and being around family was the best feeling in the world. A big group of us had breakfast one morning and I just looked around at everyone, in that moment, and wished I could bottle that feeling of love and contentment.

I was hesitant about traveling internationally because of COVID. My colleagues in China had done a great job of putting the fear of God into me. If it were not for Brooke getting married, I would have canceled my trip. I was only gone five days. In that time, of course I never watched television or checked the news, so was shocked to come home to see what was happening in the states. It was all so fast….now it was here and everywhere. I think it was just two weeks later that Costa Rica shut down travel. Brooke and I have talked about how lucky it all happened the way it did. I am blessed to have seen my family right before travel effectively shut down, everywhere.

Okay, I am going to work hard on condensing because I could talk about this fucking year – for a year.

I was feeling great about my weight and had been following WW quite strictly. My good friend Jan and I would leave the house at 6:45 A.M. every Saturday to weigh in and after the meeting, would go on some great adventure. The adventures always involved food (I mean, I am food addicted) but I would account for it. We spent a few months trying to find the best eggs benedict in Rockford and had a fabulous time. We would hike, grocery shop, run errands. Whatever it was, we had fun and meaningful conversation. Just like everything with the pandemic, it came to an abrupt stop. I did not deal with the anxiety of it all in a healthy manner. Work became a nightmare. It was a work stress I had never known. Trying to buy internationally, with whole countries shut down and a management team that was screaming every stop of the way – yuck. I was worried about everything, of course, the family the most. I drank A LOT of wine and ate up a fucking storm. I put on a good chunk of weight. Big sigh. I wish I could have dealt with it in the way those people who got super fit did or those who learned foreign languages, etc. No, I am me and I just do not cope well. I am a definite work in progress.

In May, Brian’s grandma passed away. In the age of COVID, nobody could be in the hospital with her (until the very end and then only one person). It was traumatizing thinking of what she was going through and the family – as well as our own. We could not be there. Brian wanted to jump on a plane, but he could not see her and would have had to quarantine from his mother. I lost my grandma when I was nineteen. I did not have grandparents when I met Brian at twenty. From the first moment we met, Gram treated me like family. I was blessed to have Brian’s grandparents in my life.

During all the craziness of the year, we found a new family member in Hunter. He went from being a coworker to part of our family. He is one of the most positive, empathetic people I have ever met. In the storm, he brought a light to our family.

Through most of the pandemic, I have had weekly virtual happy hours with my two great friends, Kim and Le Ann. I met the girls fourteen years ago or so at an Autism support group, led by Kim. We bonded over what our sons were going through and trying to find the latest/greatest thing that would lead to improving their lives – to just being great friends. We have had a lot of great travel adventures together and have an unshakeable bond. With this, none of us have been great at keeping in touch (since I no longer live in the state) and would chat every couple months or so. The pandemic got us face to face (via screen) every week and we talk in between. We continue this to this day. I would trust these women with my life.

A few months ago, Jan and I finally got out together (we were separated by pandemic, then she had surgeries on both of her feet). I had just given my notice and she needed out of the house. She was a trooper, going through Costco on a knee scooter. She craved normalcy. We were so happy to be out and about like old times. On our way back, we passed a cat in the middle of the highway. You could tell he could not move his back legs. We both freaked out and I turned around. I was terrified because it is a two-lane highway along the river with a lot of twists and turns. I was afraid I would get hit running into the road, or the Jeep would get hit with Jan in it. We knew we had to get the cat, though. We pulled over as far as we could and then an older couple turned around and pulled behind me in middle of road with their hazards, so I could get the cat. I took of my sweatshirt (with only tank top underneath) and ran out to get him. The cat was pissed and scared and in pain. I do not know a thing about cats but instantly thought, What the fuck am I doing? He was vocal and with his two front paws was lashing out at me. I held my arms out straight to try and avoid the blows. A car coming the opposite direction, saw us, thank God and stopped and put on their hazards. By the time I got him back to the car, he had calmed down. I thought he was grateful to be rescued but he was probably in shock. The older man got out and asked me what I was going to do – I said I will take him to my vet. He reached in his wallet, saying I know this is not much, but I want to help and gave me twenty dollars. What a sweet gesture. We were lucky enough to get to my vet just before they closed. I showed up, bleeding from my chest with a tank top on, in the cold…quite the sight I am sure. The vet tech took him from Jan and left. In that moment, I completely broke down. The adrenaline just stopped and I felt the weight of the moment, the worry for the cat. I felt it all. Jan was also moved and we drove in silence to her house, where I could drop her off.

The vet called me after he was able to examine and take x-rays. It did not look good for our Tom Cat as Jan referred to him. However, the vet explained sometimes good things do happen after a night of rest and fluids. He promised to keep him comfortable and would give IV and explained what would be ahead if the kitty made it. That day, I told two friends about the cat and without talk of expense, they both offered to help pay the vet bill. Jan had also offered to pay half. I knew I would not be able to accept their gracious offer but was so touched they even thought of it. I am blessed to be surrounded by good souls.

Late, the following morning, the vet called to say the cat had not made it. My heart broke. We tried out best but could not save him. It was hard to find the lesson in this. I just hope he died in peace and did not feel pain from the time he got to the vet.

When the bill arrived, the vet picked up most of the cost. He did this on his own. I was responsible for everything, yet out of the kindness of this heart – he covered all but the cremation (which is done through another company). He will forever be our vet. I once again, gracefully declined Jan’s offer to help, but she sent it on Venmo anyway. Her gesture, the older man’s contribution, was truly heartwarming.

It started with the cat and it felt like that set things in motion. It feels like I keep getting run over by a truck only to get up, dust myself off and get run over again. The next week, Brian got COVID. It was wicked and scary. Three months later, he still is not back to where his workouts were. There is still a slight cough but thank God he is okay. Caleb got COVID from the only person in his bubble at the time. He began to get sick on Thanksgiving. With Brian, I felt so helpless because we did our best to keep him away from the family. With Caleb, I was by his side, trying to do anything to help him. He got most of the things you read about (minus loss of taste or smell). He had been run over by the COVID buss. Even now, he has terrible fatigue. It is hard to see. They returned to school this week and he must nap once or twice after. He looks tired all the time and it has taken a toll on him. Yesterday was an extremely tough day for him and it breaks my heart. I fucking hate this virus. It has not only struck my family but close friends (one right now going through it and another off quarantine from it just days ago).

The truck hit me again when Brian’s job was suddenly outsourced to India. We both went to a place of fear. I had left my job on Oct 30^th because we thought we were so secure with his. Weeks after I left my job, they fired the managers I left over, and then I regretted my decision to leave. Now, we were without any paychecks and I was hard on myself.

At the beginning of this new year, I was hit by another truck. A truck that showed no mercy. It is not my story to tell but it shattered me. I felt helpless. I felt fear. Thankfully, with this truck, there is only love and I see more of the greatness that will come from this – every day.

2020 brought a lot of anxiety, fear, loss, sadness, but it brought a lot of gifts that I am forever thankful for. Brian’s schedule has been a nightmare for many years. We would only see him about half the time. He was able to work from home since March or so and it was great to see him so much. I know the quarantine was hard on a lot of relationships. I am happy to say, that after being together twenty-eight years, ours continued to blossom. He sleeps best when his arm is around me. I am a light sleeper and hard for me to get comfortable. Often, I cannot wait for him to go to sleep, so I can slide his arm off me so I can sleep. Now, I look forward to his snuggles and have even learned to fall asleep this way. I am a lucky woman to be married to Brian. We have also been fortunate to spend a lot more time with the boys. I am the one that tells them no or asks that they help out, etc. I am definitely not their favorite person. But the love is deep, and we all feel it. I thank God every single morning and night for us all (including) Jesse being under one roof.

A couple days after we found out Brian was losing his job; I text the happy hour girls to let them know I would not be joining our call as I would not be good company. I let them know what happened, and immediately Kim text, “If you guys move back to Vancouver. You can live with me.” She followed up with, “I am totally serious.” Her generous offer brought me to tears. We have committed to staying here for the boys, but that was such an act of selflessness. In this stressful time, friends and family have done so many nice, unexpected things. There was a time, I may have refused some of the gifts, but I have learned from poor behavior from someone I helped in their time of need, the grace in accepting the generosity of those who love us. I know it makes me feel good to help people I love and know it makes them feel good, too. I have refused, with as much love and explanation as I could, one nice offer but promised to let them know if we ever were in a place where we would need it. I do feel terrible in that one friend sent a generous gift, but some asshole at the postal service decided to steal it and never arrived.

2020 also brough Ryne his first job and it was so great to see him thrive. He also remained healthy in the sick-house as Briand and I call it. Cal also got his driver’s license. The boys had a lot of wonderful things happen in this crazy ass year. The relationships with their friends have become even more solid.

This new year may have started with getting hit by another truck, but in its infancy, this is a good year. Brian and I both accepted new jobs this week. I was fortunate enough to have two offers and was able to take the job closest to home, as Brian has a long commute.

I noticed the other day, that the small scars left behind from the cat, have faded away. They were a reminder of seeing that pain but like all scars, the trauma is fading away.

With Christmas money, we found a great deal on a used Bowflex. Our little workout area is coming together. Neither Brian or I had eaten meat this year (until I pigged out on chicken fried steak this morning, because I knew I was getting on track tomorrow – as I have 1,000,000 time prior). I am not beating myself up over it. I have been doing fairly well with my diet since leaving my job. My blood pressure is way down from when I left my job. I had lab work done a few weeks ago and everything looked great. My cholesterol is, “outstanding,” as the nurse put it. I feel great going into this year. I My bp is still an issue I need to continue working on but I am going in the right direction.

On Friday, I received a sweet email from the first editor on my book. She said she was thinking of one of my characters and asked if I ever published the book. She had such nice things to say. This meant so much, as she has edited a ton of books and now also works on a magazine. For her, to think of me, gives me a lot of confidence in myself and the book.

This new year, also brings this new website and blog. Starting tomorrow, I will chronicle my journey and commitments. I am still trying to iron out what I will be doing but will have it all figured out tonight. I will write a lot more often, and thankfully for you, the posts will be much shorter. I would love you to follow along. My journey is complicated by a lot of things, including depression but I continue to win the battles. If you would like to be there through this and/or need an accountability partner – please subscribe to the blog (on this home page). It will email you when there are new entries. You can even have the emails sent to a folder if you are someone who likes to keep emails to a minimum. It would mean a lot to me. The dream is to grow this blog. The blog has made me feel like I am not alone. My hope is we all know – that we are not alone.

Happy 2021 my friends,

Jenn (new year – same spelling from when I was young)