Are you taking a GLP-1? Do you know someone who is? Of course you do. We all do. There is a stigma that surrounds them, so many are still hesitant to share their journeys. Odds are – you know a lot more people than you think you do. Shame and embarrassment often go hand in hand with GLP-1s. A few have made jokes about them to me, and I flatly tell them: I’m taking one. They often backtrack and admit they are too, or their daughter is, etc.
A friend of mine had been taking them for a while to great success. She’d talked semaglutide (Ozempic) openly, and how it worked for her. It wasn’t until I was going through some personal matters and started to pile on the weight (on top of my current excess weight), that I began to ask her more direct questions about the cost and where she got it. I was under so much stress I was worried the combination of stress and excessive weight gain would cause a stroke or heart attack. I’m not being dramatic. I have dealt with high blood pressure since I was twenty years old. It runs in my family. I’ve had it at the best shape of my adult life and worst shape (thank God for BP meds). I was truly falling apart. When I approached my friend, I was under the impression it was $1200 a month, as I’d seen on the news. I couldn’t afford it, but I knew I couldn’t afford not to take it. Thankfully, it was only $50 a week for the starting dose at a weight loss clinic in a nearby town. The clinic explained semaglutide was exactly the same as Ozempic, but I later came to realize it’s actually a compound. Meaning, it’s not under the same regulations as Ozempic, Zepbound or the like are.
I’ve been on GLP-1s, off and on (mostly on) for the past two years. In the beginning, I carried a great shame on my new journey. I wanted to be strong enough to do it on my own…It was tough to face the mirror, at fifty-one years old, to realize I had yet to win the weight (health) battle and stay with it. I felt like a failure.
I did not feel like I was ready when I showed up to my first appointment. It was the day after Christmas. I thought wtf are you thinking – you don’t start a diet until after the new year. There are so many leftovers! I asked the medical assistant how long it took to kick in, as I’d heard it wasn’t until the next day. She said when she took her first shot, she went home and had a slice of cake and was sick for the next twenty-four hours. I was shaken. I’d planned to eat my “last meal” at Culver’s on the way home. I still went to Culver’s but only ordered a burger and water. I left out the fries with tarter sauce and Coke. I was emotional, and it wasn’t until that moment that I realized just how much I relied on food to get through stressful situations (such as starting the shot).
The next day, there was a real shift in my mindset. The “food noise” I’d struggled with my entire life, was silent. (Food noise- thinking about food-constantly.) My mind had quieted and I almost couldn’t handle the sudden change in my brain. With the food chatter subsided, I quickly started to eat less. I craved less bad foods and was easier to keep my portions under control. For many, if they eat sugar, they immediately feel sick or vomit. This has never happened to me, although sometimes I wish it would.
About a year ago, a close friend began her GLP-1 journey. She was full of emotion when she said to me, “This is what it must feel like to be normal.” It was the exact same feeling I had when I started.
I was able to stay on the lowest dose for many months. From there, it was a slow trend upwards and in the past six months, I’ve had to step it up. A lot of this stems from me falling off track in different ways. It’s a tool you need to work with. You need to make the choice to eat healthily, you need to make the choice to be active, you need to make the choice to be kind to yourself.
Through the journey, I’ve decided not to let the scale dictate my mood. I’d done that for too long. I rarely weigh myself. I forced myself to weigh in a few weeks ago and found that I’d gained eight pounds in the past few months. I’m not happy about it, but I also know I ate to deal with this last hip replacement. I wasn’t able to be as active as much as I needed. I ate my feelings through the holidays. So, I made the choice to go to make the change to a Zepbound compound. This has helped the food noise, once again. I’m back on track and feeling better about myself. (I went away from the clinic less than a year in and began to use an online pharmacy someone recommended.)
The shame of choosing a GLP-1 quickly went away after I started my journey. I feel like I was given a new lease on life. It has been worth the money (although I still wish every month I could go away from it), and I’ve even found things that helped the terrible constipation I went through for a long time. Just like any drug, there are always side effects.
I know people who it has not worked for or had side effects that made it too difficult for them to continue. I know people who have changed their lives for the better. I know people who would never, ever consider trying it – for lots of valid reasons.
I felt compelled to write about my journey, as there is still such a stigma associated with weight loss drugs. I don’t think many people go into these lightly. Most people are not the Hollywood actress who must lose just a few pounds to get that roll – and I say that with no judgment. I can’t imagine their pressure to be thin.
I wish everyone the best of luck on their health journey and find or continue on the path that works for you.
Hello there! It’s been a minute….well three and a half years to be precise. The call to write has been stronger at times than others, but I’ve avoided it as I’ve been protective of my own privacy. It’s hard to have a blog without truly sharing your life. The call to write lately has been a scream – a scream that I’ve been suppressing. I’m re-reading the book, Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert, my favorite author. A friend gave me another copy last Christmas and I’d been drawn to it once again. The book is effectively about utilizing your creativity. This time around, the book has taken me to when I was first told I was creative. Yep, a step back in time from a gal who doesn’t remember a lot of her childhood.
I was in Mrs. Emde’s third grade class. I adored her. I loved her stories. I especially enjoyed her talking about church and God. Look, I’m not sure that it would fly today, but at that time, it touched me deeply. Mrs. Emde went to the Episcopalian church to which my family belonged. I’d heard stories from my Grandma Mona about my grandfather, Father Hall, and Dr. Bangman drinking that 90% alcohol whiskey. She loved to talk about it, because she could then say she only drank 2% Schlitz. Honestly, I spent most of my life believing her, until we moved out to the Midwest, and when a friend came to visit, I insisted we visit this bar that had a Schlitz sign, so I could have one in honor of my grandma. The beer (or shall I say malt liquor) was 5%. I’d bet a nickel that back in the day, it was even much higher. So, what I knew most of the church that we belonged, although nobody from the family regularly attended, was that Father Hall (who had long passed) was a helluva partier.
I’d confided in Mrs. Emde that I would often race with God. I was a child who always needed to be active. I played outside all the time. When I wouldn’t have anyone to play with-I would race against God, who would be next to me, miraculously I would always squeak out the win. There was no judgement from Mrs. Emde as I feared there would be. She’s the only one I ever told about racing with God, until just yesterday – when I told a friend the story and how I felt compelled to write about Mrs. Emde.
In third grade, I decided to go to church. I would get myself ready and walk myself each Sunday. I LOVED it. I became an acolyte and thought it was the highest honor. I looked forward to the wafer (body of Christ) or on holidays, real bread at communion but couldn’t stand the wine. Yes, back then they served real wine. It’s funny how things change over the years. At Christmas Eve Mass this year, I was disappointed at the juice they served in lieu of wine. I don’t go to church regularly anymore and haven’t for years. It’s funny…as a child I wanted to be the first woman Episcopalian bishop. I was at the drug store when I was a young teen, and the pharmacist (a congregationalist) sought me out to tell me the church as just named their first woman bishop. Big sigh. I was so crushed.
Mrs. Emde would always say I was “creative” in my report cards and parent-teach conferences. Every single time. It would take the air out of my balloon. I didn’t want to be creative (I probably didn’t even realize what that meant). I wanted to be smart, a leader, all the things I thought were important back then. It was creativity that was my trademark according to Mrs. Emde. And I’ll say, God bless her for it. I’m having a physical reaction right now just thinking about the third-grade teacher who recognized something in me that I wouldn’t be able to recognize in myself for decades. I know over the years, I could write. I could make up stories. But I would never have defined myself as a creative. As I sit here at fifty-three years old, I feel so blessed to know this about myself and embrace it-and not feel shame. I feel so grateful to have had an influence like Mrs. Emde in my life. She affected my life in so many positive ways. She was my confidant, and a support system to a brain that was always going every which way- and loved me even more for it. She helped to shape the person I am today.
I have many friends who are now teachers. I’m so proud of them for the work they do. I have no doubt, that in their own ways, they are somebody’s Mrs. Emde
Oh boy, where does one start after not writing for – more than half a year? Don’t worry, this won’t be some recap of my everyday life. I just knew, I needed to write. First and foremost, I’m writing because it’s therapeutic to me. Also, I write for you: the person who take the time to read this, likely because you connect to what I say. I’ve always truly appreciated it.
There is so much vulnerability in writing. I’m so thankful for therapy, which has given me the gift of being vulnerable. It’s still not easy, but I’m grateful to those who have reached out because of my writing to let me know I’m not alone in so many ways. I began writing many years ago, after our move to the Midwest (boooooo!), and I’ve always published the link to my social media. I’ve decided to no longer do this. It saddens me in a way, as I’ve developed closer relationships with existing friends and family through writing, but it takes away some of the freedom I’d like in talking about my life. Also, to be completely truthful (if took a long time to admit this to myself), but I think I published to my social media, to try and be seen or recognized in ways I haven’t felt in my life. My writing shouldn’t be about that. It’s a version of taking an antidepressant by getting things out there. In giving my soul to those I know, it also creates anxiety – sometimes I’d need to drink to find the courage to write, and almost always would have to drink after. I’d drink because I’d use writing as my voice to speak to those, I didn’t have the courage to say the words to or I’d worry those who didn’t deserve to read my words, would have access to my life. Here I am, onto a new chapter and unsure if anyone will see these words, but I am okay with that. It’s a calling.
I’m settled into my recliner, with my foot wrapped. I had surgery a couple of weeks ago on foot and big toe. My joints (except top) in my big toe were fused and my foot is fused as to not flex. This surgery came thirteen months after the last surgery on this foot for a bunion and large bone spur on my ankle. This one came after months of swelling and pain and finding that my big toe was riddled with arthritis which caused me to walk on the outside of my foot. There was no arthritis in the x-rays from a year ago, so this is highly unusual. It’s likely caused by my autoimmune issues. I’ve got another 4-6 of non-weight bearing and on this darn knee scooter. I’m not a fan and starting to go a little crazy. I went into this surgery, knowing that I’ve dealt with depression after each surgery and have approached this one differently in hoping to stave off the depression. I’ve gotten out of the house more and done more than I should. Physically I feel the overdoing of everything. Mentally, I’m grateful to be doing so well. I’ve just come out of a significant depression and weight gain.
Since becoming perimenopausal, I’ve tried different antidepressants with varying degrees of success and side effects. I’ve come to accept, at least while I’m dealing with menopause, that I need to be medicated. Thankfully, I’m on one now that has really helped in these last few months. If you’re going through the stage where you aren’t finding one that works, I understand your frustrations. I would go periods without, as I couldn’t take it anymore. Once you find the right one, though, it is life changing. I’ve had to let go of the stigma of thinking I’m crazy or broken and accept that I’m a human that struggles and accept the help of medication.
2022 is a year of change. Some of the changes, are intentional, while some I have no control over. I only know that I will work hard to make the best of some of these situations, while still being human and going through grief and having doubts about myself. It is scary to be fifty years old and have no idea what the future holds in so many ways. If you’ve stumbled across this blog, I hope you’ll stay with it and hopefully we can figure things out together. I always love hearing from you.
Good morning! It’s Friday, and I have the day off. We are going on a college visit with Caleb. He’s already been to two, but Brian took him to those. His schedule has been more flexible than mine. I didn’t want to miss out on this last visit, though. I missed Ryne’s as Brian always had some weekdays off. So, I’m stoked to go on this one but sad I missed the others at the same time.
I haven’t been writing lately. I’ve been in processing mode. I was tired of not feeling right and sought out a naturopath. Traditional medicine wanted to put me on more meds. I hate taking medications. In fact, about the same time, is when I went off my antidepressant. My hormones have been leveling through menopause, and although I still suffer at times, I felt the nightmares and night sweats were likely caused by the antidepressant itself. After being on it 13 months, I went off. The timing was good or bad, I guess, depending how you look at it. I am thrilled to be off it, though, as nightmares are gone and night sweat much better.
For quite a while, I thought I had carpel tunnel. I thought it was weird that it would come and go. Then, I experienced some excruciating pain in my wrists – again coming and going. It wasn’t until I had some experiences when it felt like every joint in my body was hurting, and my pinkies looked broken, that I began to strongly suspect rheumatoid arthritis. The mere thought of this, scared the fuck out of me. Two people I’m close with have it, and it can be awful shit. I immediately began to clean up my diet even more. I scheduled an appointment with the naturopath and my primary to get a referral to the rheumatology department.
Caleb was in the care of a naturopath when he was young (until we moved to IL and we were in the middle of nowhere). This Dr. made the biggest change in Caleb’s wellbeing. We saw changes in his Autism behaviors and got his gut cleaned up. I’ll always be grateful to Dr. Chapman for what she did for him. I truly believe, because he was so young, she changed the course of his life. I’ve never seen one for myself. I googled and found one about 35 minutes from my house (we are at least closer to civilization in this town). She had great reviews and I made the leap. I wanted answers, not Band-Aids, not drugs. We met for an initial consultation and then another appointment where I gave blood for labs. While giving my blood, my blood just stopped flowing. I’ve never had that happen. She tried the other arm nothing – then both hands, nothing. She said, “We sometimes see this with autoimmune diseases.” I knew then: I was fucked. My naturopath then went on a six-week vacation (to Alaska of all places 😊 So, I had to be patient with the results. While she was gone, my appointment for the referral came up. I forgot that I had chosen to share info between the naturopath and my primary, and at that time, she had some of the results. It was there that I learned I have the RA marker and my RA numbers were high. I also found out my thyroid numbers were crazy as well as my inflammation levels. Crap.
When my naturopath came back from vacation, the other shoe dropped. I learned of other labs with even more autoimmune crud. The initial news of the RA labs, hit me hard. Going through the labs, one by one, damn near knocked me out. I’ve never been a Why Me person. It has always bugged me when people go to that place – but with this, I thought – What the fuck? Everything I’ve been through in the past few years, physically. I don’t get it. Yes, I’m fat, but not all fat people have these surgeries and other shit. I take lots of supplements. I’m active. I do a lot of good things. Why? Not proud, but just what I went through. I only told a couple people in the aftermath, and then after short bit opened up to a few more. When going through big things, you know most people won’t get it. We generally only truly get it when we’ve experienced the same thing. I needed the people I confided in – to get it. I knew my life would never be the same, and I wanted the love and support one would deserve in the moment.Mostly, I did get what I was looking for. I will never forget those people for loving me when I felt so defeated.
The naturopath recommended doing the Whole30 eating plan. At this point, I had already made major eating changes in past 6 weeks or so. When first making the big changes to my diet, there was no change in the scale. It took me a few weeks for the weight to slowly start coming off. The thyroid stuff explained that. Prior to making big changes in my diet, I had been putting weight on super easily and thought, man menopause really fucks up one’s metabolism. It was nice to actually have a concrete reason, in the thyroid. The Whole30 plan is meat heavy. In an oversimplified nutshell: it’s meat, heavy vegetables (potatoes are allowed), and fruits. Grains, beans, dairy, sugar, corn, sugar substitutes, preservatives, baked items, any dessert (even with Whole30 approved foods) are not on the plan. If you slip, you start over. This plan doesn’t fuck around. I’m not one that is big on meat, even going years only allowing for seafood and eggs. It has been a long time since then, but even now – especially since refocusing my eating habits at the end of July or so – I hadn’t eaten much meat. In fact, my cholesterol numbers are outstanding. So, to go on a diet that depends on meat, was a real mind fuck. I chose to trust in the naturopath and do it. It is supposed to help inflammation and is a gut reset. All good things when tackling autoimmune issues.
Brian wanted to support me and agreed to do the plan with me. The bff doesn’t eat meat, so she found a strict vegan plan (SOS) to follow (the strictest diet she says she’s ever done) in order to be supportive and my sister Brooke went more whole foods based when I started as well. I’m grateful for the support in this, and it is fun to trade photos of meals with Amy and Brooker as we are in our respective plans.
Our last day of the Whole30 is Tuesday. From there, we go on a ten-day reintroduction period. The intro time is designed to help you recognize foods that upset your gut and make you feel shitty (mentally and physically). This plan has been an eye opener for both Brian and me. Because the plan allows for absolutely no sugar or sugar subs, you really need to read labels. I was shocked to find corn syrup as the second ingredient in my fave taco sauce, sugar in bacon, corn starch and sugar in lunch meats, blah, blah. Essentially you really need to check processed meats. There are a couple of compliant bacon and sausage manufacturers out there, but most stores don’t carry and it’s crazy expensive. Bacon is only meant to be an accompaniment to a meal (like crumbles in salad), not be the main meat in a meal. I like this about this plan. It makes you investigate all your meat, and prefers you eat organic.
In addition to learning that most things with a label are not compliant, I’ve also confirmed that red meat does not agree with me. This is great information moving forward, as red meat is inflammatory.
The plan does not allow for alcohol. Not drinking for a month, has been good. I drank less in recent months anyway, but going a month made me focus on why I drink. I crave it most when anxious or feeling down. That’s exactly when I shouldn’t drink. In all honesty, a friend offered free concert tickets last night, and I didn’t take them – because I knew it would be hard to be at a show without drinks before or during… So, alcohol is definitely a social thing for me, too.
The achiness in my hands and feet has gotten better a couple weeks in, but soon it returned. I’m sure it’s because it’s getting colder. I don’t know if they were feeling better because of the plan or all the supplements I’m on. Overall, I feel better, though. I had been incredibly fatigued for months – even hard to keep eyes open when driving. The fatigue is getting better. Again, not sure if plan or supplement related or both. I’m also sleeping better. Brian, however, had immediate results with this plan. He took two prescription meds a day for heartburn. Within one week, he dropped one and shortly after, dropped the other. He had also been dealing with a significant intestinal issue, and because of this plan, was able to pinpoint it to being ibuprofen related. He has bitched and moaned through this entire plan. Really. It’s been kinda unbearable. But he is happy to have done it, and I’m so glad his health improved so quickly. He plans to move forward with lifelong changes after this experience.
I, too, will take a lot of what I’ve learned into the future. The plan was easier for me, than it was Brian as I had already cut out soda, cut down on alcohol, and gone more whole foods before starting Whole30. Still, this plan taught me, I wasn’t doing near as well as I thought I was. Moving forward, I plan to follow a lot of the fundamentals, except for meat. If my gut does well with the reintroduction of beans, including tofu and rice, I’d plan to move forward being more plant based. In addition to the reintroduction phase, I’m expecting results from a food sensitivity test I’d done with the naturopath any day. I need to be sure of what my body doesn’t react well to, as I’ve gotta get rid of this inflammation. Oh, and this plan has taught me to love sweet potatoes. I never liked them before. They are now, my go-to food.
Formal diagnosis take time and aren’t easy with autoimmune stuff. The naturopath and my primary were quick to diagnose, but it will be a process through the rheumatologist and there are still things we have to put names to. We know my body is at war with itself and my thyroid appears to be a victim of what’s going on. We don’t know all that’s causing it. The rheumatologist did baseline x-rays, prescribed meds (which I’ve yet to take) and will follow up in three months. The rheumatologist talked about how autoimmune stuff presents differently and doesn’t mean it is RA, even with the labs. According to her, it could be other autoimmune things. Just something else to make me feel crazy for a minute, but really as long as we are finding effective treatment plans for now and long term – official names of things don’t matter to me right now.
Going the naturopath is good but expensive. It’s not covered by insurance. The first month of supplements, cost about as much as both car payments. She also wants me to do this program (chiropractic, acupuncture, etc) but again, mostly not covered. I haven’t decided on that yet, but I did start getting massages again, which are supposed to be good for autoimmune.
I hope this post doesn’t seem like I’m complaining. I’m getting things out. It’s scary knowing my body has things that will never go away – but thankfully can go into remission. It’s scary knowing my joints can have permanent, irreversible damage. My hands already look different (both pinkies and a ring finger). But there are positives: this is a wake-up call. It is forcing me to FINALLY put my health in order. It has been difficult to know that RA is often triggered by trauma. I can put two and two together on when body started feeling different. It is hard to look at. It is painful to know my reactions to things, could have caused this (who knows maybe not). This is all forcing me to work even more on anxiety and stress levels. I am not good with that. I don’t often handle it well. I’ve definitely been a work in progress and have come a long way, but this all has taught me, to focus only on the most important things in life.
Life can always be worse. I know that. That’s not what this is about. I’m writing about what I’m going through in the moment. It hasn’t been easy. I don’t have food and alcohol to fall back on, as I have my whole life. I don’t have an antidepressant to numb the feelings. I don’t have a therapist – their practice is taking a pause. I’m forced to work through all of this through with healthy measures. I couldn’t do that in my first 49 years. It’s high time I learn to take care of myself. I wrote this one late night, Giving up foods…my addiction. My go-to throughout my life. My comfort. Who will be there when food can’t? I feel so alone. A woman, who has a lot of work yet to do on herself, wrote that.
Moving forward, I will just post the on my website and probably on my FB diariesofherjourney page only. I just wanted to put this on my personal page, one last time, in case anyone is going through their own things – so they/you don’t feel alone. As always, feel free to reach out to me. If you want to continue to read, you can subscribe on the home page of the website. It sends an email when I post is all.
I wrote this over the course of a couple days, and I need to get Jesse out for a walk, before football starts. Remember, how I’m focusing on what’s most important? Football is one of the most important things 😊
Hello there! I’m taking a lunch, and I stare at a computer all day – one would think I would look for any excuse to get away from the computer for a short time. I haven’t written in quite a while, though, but I’ve been thinking about it every day.
I returned home on Friday, from a vacation back home to Alaska. There was a lot of anxiety leading up to the trip as we didn’t know for sure until the week before, but Brian was unable to go. They were unable to cover all his shifts. This was a huge bummer for both of us. I really thought it would come through, while he didn’t. I had chalked it up to me being the optimist in the relationship, but he knew it likely wasn’t going to happen. This trip had been postponed from last year when we were all stuck at home. I still went because I needed to see my family and friends. Upon learning Brian couldn’t come, the bff stepped in and got a ticket. It was truly the nicest gesture. We couldn’t travel together, because of full planes, and she had to overnight in Ketchikan on her way up (it’s difficult to get to the island in one day). My friend Asha and her husband were gracious enough to host Amy during her time there. They had never met in person, and I was touched that Asha not only offered but ended up taking the best care of Amy.
For the first time in going home, I rented a place to stay. I usually stay with family, but it is crowded, and everyone is pulled in their different directions. We rented from a friend of the family, and her place is right on the water. We could not have asked for a better location. It also worked out great, because she had a couple parties upstairs, and we just had to walk downstairs to go to bed. Because of my foot, it was also the first time I rented a car. I was so grateful for it all. We made the most of every day, listening to music, exploring (including getting lost on a little hike), enjoying the view from the rental, visiting friends and family. As always in going home, there simply wasn’t enough time. There were friends I didn’t see, and family I wasn’t able to spend enough time with. The best way to sum up the trip is with Gratitude: for seeing my bff in first time in year and a half, for the peace, for seeing family and friends. I was also able to meet my great-niece Layne, who was born during the pandemic.
I have always struggled with living in Illinois. I’ve worked hard on accepting this place as my home. We are here, so I do try to make the best of it, but it is not where my heart is. My heart wants to be back in the NW or Alaska. I’ll never really fit in here, but thankfully, I still manage well with great friends and the family who adopted us. Going home, was a reminder that moving somewhere West, does need to remain our long-term goal.
I continued to eat like shit leading up the vacation. I know most people go on diets or get fit before travel, I didn’t. Each day I kept thinking it was the day I was going to start and then the trip was a couple weeks out, and I was like, well, it’s too late now and kept going. I’m not a fan of this side of me. I don’t make excuses. I acknowledge reasons when I’m eating unhealthily. My brain goes to this dead place, and I just don’t step up. It’s maddening. I know how to eat right, how to take care of myself, how to do the things that make me feel best. I was thrown off my game with the surgery and recovery, but I chose to not get back to it. I’ve only myself to blame for the weight gain – which felt especially crappy, because it was before I went home. I continued down my path of destruction with food when I returned home. It was not until Monday, that I finally being accountable for what I was putting in my body. A good friend of mine asked if I would be interested in having her sister (who works in health dept at a college), work with me. She takes on a client to keep up with her certifications. We set up our first talk, the day I came back from vacation. We talked about long term and goals for the week. I chose to start Monday. Goals for this week: stay inside WW points, one soda day, meat 3x only this week, smoothie or fresh juice 4x, no alcohol until Sunday (concert), eat out only 2x. I’m glad we did this. Without these goals, I’m sure I would’ve continued eating poorly, telling myself I’ll start next Monday. I have done well in these first few days, but I have had two diet sodas a day (including one 32 oz). Soda is still a big crutch, but I am proud of tracking my food again and being accountable to myself for my choices. I returned from vacation, so worn out. I know a lot of it has to do with my recent diet and being unhealthy. I’m looking forward to better stamina. I’m already happy about not needing Tums.
I’ve been at my new job just over a month now. There’s a great relief that comes with having life insurance kick in, etc. It sucks that many of us are at the age, that we think of these things, but it’s true. It’s nice to have a paycheck coming in again, as well. For working in an area, that I’m so burned out in, I’m happy about the choice I made with this job. I work with a truly great group of people. It’s still been easy, as I don’t have all the responsibilities yet, (God knows it’s coming) but I am happy to be working with this company – and working from home most of the time.
I wrote a new chapter for my book a while back – at the suggestion of my editor. She was right. It needed it. She even edited the new chapter. From there, I have stalled. I am in a world now, that I know nothing about (publishing, etc), as I have been through this whole process. Still, that’s an excuse. It’s me holding myself back. I should be working on getting an agent every single day. I need to try in my own way. I don’t have a resume for writing (since I’ve never had a paid writing job). In trying to get myself back on track (in every way), it is a new goal – to get it out there. I will be fifty in February. Yes, 5-0. I don’t know how that’s possible, but I need this book to be published or in works to be published by then. This trip really helped me reflect on the fact that I am not my best self, right now. This is my life. Nobody else can live it for me. We are all responsible for our own happiness. I am in a good place – don’t get me wrong. I’m appreciative for every single thing in my life and always thank God for it. I have a peace inside me that I have not known for most of my life. Still, there are things I want to accomplish, and I need to continue to work for them. This is not only about what I do for a living or finances, but also about setting us up to be where we want geographically. Our youngest still has a year of h.s. and then college out here, but it is nice to think forward for Brian and I about where we want to live. And yes, I pray, pray, pray, the boys follow. I don’t think I could live apart from them, and if they really want to stay out here, we need to set ourselves up with a home in the NW or Alaska, where we can spend extended periods of time. There’s just a lot on my mind. I want to make the most of every single minute out here, just as I do in Alaska (minus the breakfast beers, aka Mike’s hard lemonade).
Brian just walked in with an iced tea for me. I appreciate the gesture. I appreciate these things in every day. I appreciate the candle I lit before I started writing (that a friend gave me). I appreciate the time to be able to write, and I appreciate you reading. I truly do.
Wishing you a happy Sunday from the concessions stand at the Byron swim meet. Caleb has been swimming for many years, but I still won’t volunteer for anything swimming related. I just don’t know enough about the sport, so I take the easiest volunteer opportunities. The state of Illinois opened up yesterday (in regard to COVID rules), but this meet does not allow spectators. This is a club meet, and I’m guessing the school doesn’t have their new rules in place yet, which is understandable. So, this will be the slowest concessions ever, open to the swimmers and coaches. I sit here next to the loud hum of the Coca Cola fridge, grateful for the time to write. If I were home, I would be, well…actually probably still in bed – thinking of all the things I need to do, while not doing them. And if I were home, I would not have introduced myself to one of the parents, who looked at me like I was an idiot and said I know. I asked who he was and yeah, he’s been here all these years, too. I’ll always be awkward AF.
This week was crazy, as it was for you too, I’m sure. We all live in our different definitions of crazy, depending on our current frenzies. I started my new job on Monday. I had gotten up earlier the week before, in preparation for a new schedule. In not working for the past seven months, and recovering from surgery, I had slept hardest in the mornings. It has been an adjustment going back to early mornings. The nightmares were awful. I’ve still been struggling with them, but this week was complete with something I don’t think I would see in the worst of horror films (and I don’t watch horror movies). I don’t know where this shit comes from. I do have a friend who does dream analysis, so I should talk to her – although these nightmares may scare her off. I’m guessing the disruption in routine, brought the nightmares to a new level.
I had been careful in deciding where to work. I went into the first day, praying I had made the right decision, also still grappling with deciding to work now and not until after summer or even later. I’m still not sure about the summer part as returning to work was really tough on my foot and ankle, but I’m grateful to think I chose the right job. We have a small department, with just four of us, and another coming on board soon. My boss is great. She reminds me of someone who could have grown up on the island. She is incredibly smart, and I look forward to learning a lot from her. I also work with a friend and former colleague, and it’s great to be working with her again. She has been the biggest help to me this week.
The first day was completely nuts as I had physical therapy after work, and my foot and ankle swelled up the most I had seen. P/T kicked my ass in the best of ways, but I went to leave and my car wouldn’t start. My friend’s husband was able to jump it, which was a huge relief. I kept it running while I took care of my friend’s dogs and cat (it’s Ryne’s job, but he was working), and from there, another friend picked me up from the auto shop. It was a long, exhausting day, but felt good to contribute to our household finances again.
The next day, the foot and ankle swelled badly again. The ankle is actually the most painful area and reacts to swelling the most. Our boss took the team for dinner and drinks after work. I did have to run to the friend’s house and take care of animals and water their garden/flowers in between, though. I showed up, sticky and ripe. It was a great way to get to know everyone so early in the game, though. It was all good, except for when the sole man in our group, made a homophobic comment. I was stunned and didn’t say anything in the moment. He didn’t get the laughs he was looking for and repeated himself, and this Mama Bear, called him out. Yes, day two of my new job, I let this guy have it. I am not a confrontational person, but I would do the same thing again.
The days continued to be long with work, p/t, taking care of the animals when needed. We were short a car, as Brian was working in Chicago, so it was tough juggling with the boys – who each have jobs and Cal has swim.
When Friday night rolled around, I was spent, but Brian and I had date night planned. We hadn’t seen each other all week and were both looking forward to some time together. It was a great night, complete with the foreplay of a trip to Costco. If you love Costco, you know that high I’m talking about. It makes my panties wet just thinking about it – a new office chair, wine, snacks, etc.
Yesterday was also an early morning, leaving the house at 6:45. I started going back to in-person WW last week. I had gained eleven pounds since surgery, and after this week, can add an additional 1.6. Making that 35-minute drive, knowing I’ve gained, is not fun. Just making the commitment to go back to the meetings, is a step in the right direction, though. It is helpful to be around people with the same addictions. I don’t recognize most of the faces though, and instead of our nice WW location, we are now in a basement conference room of an old Holiday Inn. Just like with a lot of things, even though we are getting back to “normal,” it is forever changed. It is also wonderful to be back to doing this with my good friend Jan. We had a nice walk after and then of course, and most importantly, we went to breakfast. Diets start on Monday right?….. No regrets there, I had one of those fluffy omelets. I want to repeat the wet panties comment, but you might be turned off by that, so I won’t.
Cal decided to started swimming again a couple of weeks ago. Oh wow, just noticed the concession stand schedule hanging on the wall, from Feb 2020, when the world stopped. Stomach just dropped. Anyway, we are proud of his decision to do this. He knows himself well enough to realize he needs to be busy. He does work, but it’s not a lot of hours. He swam well yesterday, considering he hadn’t been in the water in a few months.
I ended up staying home last night. I had plans, but in the end, staying home was what I needed. I had not been in an empty home in quite a while. I cleaned and did laundry. I had a glass of wine and watched A Quiet Place. Yes, just one glass. I haven’t drank much in these past months, even drinking just once over three months at one point. It feels good to have a healthier relationship with alcohol. It was wonderful to wake up to a clean house and not wine grogginess.
I’ve been focusing on good mental health a lot lately. Except for when I’m in the throws of PMS, I have been quite good. I do feel disconnected from some, but I think that’s fairly common as we come out of this pandemic. I spoke to a good friend about it and she’s feeling it, too. That’s the thing about great friendships, you talk through the hard things. In one way, I look forward to working again: to contribute financially to the family and contribute to a team. In others ways, I’m concerned about giving too much to my job. Coming out of the job I last had, this is understandable. I want to keep a lot of focus on the things that make me happiest. It is the simple things for me. Even is the hot weather, I’ve been able to keep my hanging baskets alive, as well as the new inside plant. I get joy out of watering them in the mornings. I am happy making food for the hummingbirds and changing it out every few days. I loved being home with Jesse, while I was off work. I mostly work from home with this new job. I was in the office most of this week, but I likely won’t be back in again until August. Our department is work from home, which was a big draw to the company for me. I am walking better this week. The limp is getting better, and I’m enjoying being able to get around more. I broke 10,000 steps a couple of time this week. Working through the pain, does make me happy. I am ahead of schedule for healing and am really proud of this. I keep an eye on the simple things, while focusing on relationships with friends and family. I feel good about life. I am me, and I have my moments. In the stillness of being home alone last night, there was a sad moment, where the things I push aside caught up to me – but it was short lived. It was nice to be able to get up, dust it off, and keep up with the positive energy.
This week has been heavy with prayers, and I do ask that you pray for my friend’s son, who has been hospitalized all week. He is out of the ICU and am hopeful he’ll be able to go home soon. Please pray for his continued health. Also, please pray for a negative biopsy for someone I love dearly. The results will be here in the next couple of days. It has weighed heavily on me. Thank you.
June is Pride Month. With this, I will leave you one of my favorite Brandi Carlile songs. I get heavily invested in lyrics and often try to get inside the mind of the songwriter. I always wondered who this song was about, and her autobiography was great in that at the end of each chapter, she would have song lyrics, and you could tie the story to the song. I love the line, and when did you stop missing me? We have all had relationships end or change. I’m grateful that I’ve been spared a lot of this in my life. Growing up and staying in the lives of my childhood friends, but in the instances it has happened, it has been hard for me. I do care and love deeply for the people in my life. Losing a relationship sucks. This song reminds me of that, but it also about being okay in life. She wrote this about her best friend from high school. They were estranged for many years, but as she wrote, they did later reconnect and are as close as ever. The lyrics are great, and I hope you enjoy it and are Happy.
I’ve rambled a lot with this post, but there has been a lot on my mind. I’ve just finished it on the break in Cal’s swim meet. It has been a busy day but am glad to have been able to write. It is good for my mind and soul.
Happy Friday to you! I know many of you have a three-day weekend and will be able to spend it with friends and family, for the first time since the pandemic began. I hope you will hug those you love tight. I can’t wait to do this to my own friends and family in just over a month.
I had x-rays done on Wednesday, and I’m so happy to say that everything is looking good. I was released to spend half time in a shoe and half in the boot, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to put that boot back on. I’m excited about my progress so far in the shoe. It’s a little like learning to walk again but is easier every day. The first couple of days there was a lot less stability, but today it has improved. I have been cleared to drive, but I haven’t yet. I was told to practice before doing so, but there’s a bit of a mental block on flexing my foot forward on the pedals. I’ll have to try today, though, as I do have to drive in the morning.
I start physical therapy on Tuesday and am pumped about it. Weird, right? I know, it will go a long way in my road to full recovery. On Wednesday, we also did an x-ray on my left foot, and as expected, I need surgery on that one as well. I was pleasantly surprised to find out that it will be a much less invasive surgery than the one I just had. P/T will also help with the left foot. I want to put that surgery out as long as possible, but I’m also going to be close attention as not to go too long.
My diet has been total shit with this recovery. It’s disappointing. I expected a lot more from myself, going into it. I was in the zone. Well, I shit all over that zone. I have a long way to go with my emotional eating, but getting to walk again, has gone a long way in helping the mental part of it all. Everything is so much easier over the past few days. Still, I have a lot of mercy for myself. It was a lot to go through, between the foot, boob, friends and family being sick, etc. I made an appointment to go to my old 7:30 WW meeting tomorrow morning. I’m not real sure how I’m going to get my ass out the door at 6:30, as I’ve become a night owl, but it’s a big step in getting back to me. I look forward to seeing the faces of people who have the same addiction and are there to battle it. I told Caleb last night, that I signed up for a spot. He looked at me and said, “This last month hasn’t been your fault. You’ve been through a lot; anyone would struggle.” It was one of the sweetest things anyone has ever said to me.
The hormones have still been a battle. Horrible night sweats, nightmares (I think part of that is from the antidepressant), blah, blah, blah. I’m hoping a healthier diet will help with all of this as well.
After not working for the past six months, I accepted a new job. Last week was kind of crazy, as I had three offers. I really had to think through the pros and cons of each of them. Honestly, I can’t say that I feel 100% ready to return to work, but life is real, and I want to contribute financially to our future. I will be working with a former colleague again, which was huge deciding factor for me, along with working mostly from home. I think working from home, helps in staying in a good routine and keeping on track. Once I got out of the horrible anxiety and reaction to the pandemic, when I worked from home before, I had a nice walking regiment and was good mentally and physically for both me and my dog. The job itself, will be hella stressful. Prices are skyrocketing everywhere, while there is also a shortage in materials. I will now be doing sourcing full-time, while before it was only part of what I did. There will be learning curves, along with new corporate stuff, but I must trust in myself. I start the new job on the 7th. Oh, working from home will also be good as recovery is a long process for this foot and ankle.
A good friend drove out and took me to breakfast this morning. It was nice on so many levels. I miss being around friends, being out (post pandemic) and being able to get around without a scooter or big boot. We had wonderful, easy conversation, and I’m so glad that life is starting to feel more normal in many ways.
My oldest son, Ryne, turned twenty a couple of weeks ago. It’s all surreal to me, that he’s so grown up, that I’m nearly fifty. Life really does go too fast. His birthday was around Mother’s Day. I had a lot to reflect upon. For many years, I wasn’t sure that we could have children. It was hard to get pregnant to start and then hard to keep a pregnancy. It was through fertility treatment, that we were able to have Ryne. Caleb, well, he was a surprise to us all – but thankfully, there were also steps in place, that once we found I was pregnant, to help me hold onto the pregnancy. They have always been part of every prayer, and I feel so blessed to be their mom. This has really been on my mind, even more, lately. Just really focusing on all the blessings in my life. It helps, in the hardest of times, especially.
I’ll leave you with something I heard recently, “Pay attention to who you were as a child.” This really spoke to me, going back to what made you happiest. For me, I was always outside. I was such a Tomboy. I loved sports, playing in creeks, exploring. I am glad that some of those things are still a part of me, although I got back to them later in life. I really am looking forward to moving around better and getting outside more. Life is all to precious. We should all spend it doing the things that make us happiest.
I recently posted asking for recommendations for shows to stream. There were a lot of great suggestions and fun dialogue regarding what people have seen recently. Before the pandemic, I can probably count on one hand how many shows I had streamed. I think the first show was a couple of years ago, when Brian and I became some of the last people on earth to see Game of Thrones (loved btw). Before the pandemic, I was not a huge television watcher. I essentially watched My 600 Pound Life over and over, I was always two or more seasons behind in Grey’s Anatomy (still am), and I have watched every episode of The Office a ton of times.
In the early months of the pandemic, I think we all started streaming shows. It opened my eyes as to how to watch television (I’m always way behind the times). Then on top of the pandemic, I left my job six months ago, giving me even more free time. Really, though, the most binging has come since this last surgery. I’m forced to do a lot of sitting. So, I went from someone who when asked if I had seen this or that, would always say no, nod politely and say I’ll check it out – while having no intention to do so – to someone who can give you this giant list of show. Most of these shows have come via recommendations from friends and many from my Friday night Happy Hour via Zoom, with a couple of my girlfriends from Washington. We talked T.V. again last night. I hope this list gives you some ideas for shows, if you’re looking for something new.
Best Chick shows for streaming:
FireFly Lane (Netflix) The show follows best friends, from the time they met, into their forties. The soundtrack is great, and it focusses on how people are extremely complex and human. The only thing I didn’t love, is it was similar to my book in a few ways – so much so, that I had to change something in my own book.
Dead to Me (Netflix) Who doesn’t love Christina Applegate? This has a great cast and shows vulnerability in real ways, but it’s also crazy enough that you don’t get too wrapped up in comparing things to your own life. It’s funny, sad, and downright kooky. Oh, and it makes you want to drink wine, because they drink a lot of wine. I mean, unless you’re much stronger than me.
Marvelous Mrs. Maisel (Prime) I was late to the party on this one, having just seen in the last few weeks. I had heard for years how great it is, but I’m not big into fashion, and it looked a little hokey to me. I was wrong – except I’m still not into fashion. It’s fun to see something from a different era, and you just want to yell WTF a million times. It has a large cast of characters and many different story lines.
Modern Love (Prime) It is a series of different episodes, following love stories taken from the New York Times (if I remember right). Each episode has big stars like Anne Hathaway, Andy Garcia, Tina Fey, etc. It’s warm, heartbreaking, true to life. I loved every episode. When I watched it, there was only one season. I’m not sure if it was limited, but you can get wrapped up in it and it won’t take your life away. Maybe this shouldn’t fall under Chick shows. I’m sure some couples would enjoy it together, but my other half isn’t into this type of show.
Bridgerton (Netflix) I got sucked in, just like a lot of women. I’m not sure what this says about me, but I didn’t think it was too racy. I would have liked to see more, that’s for sure. But I guess we aren’t all giant pervs like me.
Great Series:
The Queen’s Gambit (Netflix) I started watching this and waited for the main character to become royalty. I kept hearing about this great show about the royal family and thought this was it… I seriously never would have watched it, if I knew it was about chess. I’ve never played chess and could not imagine it being exciting – now I’d love to learn to play. The story sucks you in from the beginning (especially when you quit waiting for the orphan to become a princess). I would watch this again. Just brilliant.
The Crown (Netflix – I think) Sadly, there were no orphan playing chess in this one. Even so, I love learning about history (apparently the earlier seasons are fairly accurate). I have never been a royal watcher and really didn’t know much about the royal family, outside of Princess Diana. I’ll always remember hearing about her death on the radio and crying. Anyway, I learned a lot about historical events, while at the same time, felt sorry for a family one would think has it all. They really do lead a sad existence. Great show.
Upload (Prime) This is a far departure from crowns, but makes you think in different ways. I don’t like to know anything about a show before watching, and if I knew the premise of this one, likely would not have watched. A friend recommended, and I was hooked from the first episode. Warning, there is only one season out, which I didn’t know either and was sad when it didn’t go into a new season (but there will be one). It makes you think about what could happen in the future and has a great love story. I ate it all up.
Creepy As Fuck:
The Serpent (Netflix) I got this recommendation off my Facebook post. I finished it last week and can’t quit thinking about it. It’s based on a true story, which makes it especially haunting. You are sucked in because you want to see the horrible human beings pay for the things they’ve done. It’s set in different countries (mostly Bangkok), in the seventies and early eighties I think, and it really is fascinating to see the inner working of other countries. I also loved how adventurous some people are and their quests to live their best lives. This is before all of the self-help books and documentaries were in place to tell us these things….. It also goes to show you, while there are truly some evil souls out there, there are also people who will give up their whole lives and happiness just to see justice served for the victims. This is one of the best series I’ve ever seen. It was also nice, because the husband and I watched it together (we don’t often agree on what to watch).
Tell Me Your Secrets (Amazon) This also came on recommendation, and a friend living in Washington and I watched it together. We nearly stopped after the first episode. It felt like it was too creepy. We then decided to give it one more and begrudgingly, one more. We were then hooked. It’s fantastic. One of my zoom call friends had quit after two episodes and after telling her to go back, she finished and loved. There’s only one season so far but at least one more to come (but probably many).
Music Documentaries and/or Concerts:
Miss Americana: Taylor Swift (think this was Netflix) I’m a little obsessed with reading or watching about musical artists, especially the song writing process. I’ve always liked Taylor, but I’m far from a “Swifty.” This documentary spent a lot of time showing the song writing and album creating process. It is so well done, that although I like some artists more than Taylor on this list, this is number one. I can tell you though, it has made me a much bigger fan of hers and I do plan on learning more of her music.
All I Know So Far: Pink (Prime) This just came out yesterday, and I had been counting down to see it. She is one of my favorite artists. I’ve seen her in concert a couple of times, including front row at Madison Square Garden for my best friend’s 40th birthday. The concert was simply amazing. This documentary follows a two-week period of time while she’s on the road with her family. It does go back in time some and talk about her past, but it mainly focusses on the balance of the road and family. Seriously, she is Wonder Woman. She balances it all in a very real way, while being a beacon of light for the LBGTQ community. I loved it, but one day, I would love to read about her songwriting process or see something on the story of her songs.
The Soundtrack of Our Lives: Clive Davis (Netflix) I don’t know how much I like the guy as a person, but it was fascinating to see his contributions to music over the years and see those interactions with artists. You see up close and personal, the heartbreak with Whitney Houston. It shows the dirty side of the music business and how this dude just kept coming back, no matter what was taken away from him. Just a great piece on music.
Five Foot Two: Gaga (can’t remember if Netflix or Prime). I was super PMS’ing the day I started it. I switched it off a half hour or so into it, as I was so pissed that a talent like that smokes so much. (says the woman addicted to food). I wanted to scream at her, but she is so very human – she deals with life in her own very destructive ways and it shows. I went back to it the next day and couldn’t peel my eyes away. I will re-watch this again one day, as well. The talent in this woman is matched by very few in this world. I’ve never been a fan of the super poppy stuff she does, but I have always loved her songs stripped down with just her and a piano. There is a lot of that in this documentary. Fucking loved it.
David Foster: Off the Record (Netflix) Once again, I did not care for the person behind the show. He is hard to like, but it is an incredible story. His musical legacy is enormous. He does seem to have some redeeming qualities, and for Katherine McPhee’s sake, I truly hope he does.
If You Could Read My Mind: Gordon Lightfoot (Prime) This is the only thing I’ve paid money for, outside of regular subscriptions. It was a $4.99 rental on Prime, but it is now free. I’ve adored Gordon since I was young. I love a singer/songwriter, especially when the songs are stories. The seventies is my favorite musical era, because of this. This was a hard look into the man, and there was an in depth look into some of the songs. I was disappointed when it ended, because I didn’t learn near as much as I wanted. I wish it would have been a series instead of a film. I guess the sign of something good, is when it leaves you wanting more.
Here I Am: Dolly Parton (Netflix) I mean….it’s hard to find someone who doesn’t love Dolly. Again, I’ve been a fan, since I was a little girl. I learned a lot about her in this film, but she is true to form, in that you can only know so much about her. She is insanely private. While I would have liked to know more about her on a personal level, I’m grateful to have learned what I could about the great Dolly Parton. She is one of the all-time great songwriters, voices, and the woman has a heart of gold. On the same note, I also watched Dolly Parton: A Music Cares Tribute (Netflix). I didn’t love this. Most of the singers are singing, while reading the lyrics from a teleprompter. It was a huge turnoff to me. I don’t recommend that one.
The Show Must Go On: Adam Lambert and Queen I saw a major Queen tribute band do a concert a couple of years ago. Even that, was fantastic. I can’t imagine having seen the original with Freddy or even now. Queen is gold. This is a great documentary.
Fitness, Health and Wellness
World’s Toughest Race: Eco Challenge (Prime) Brian and I used to watch this every year on the Discovery channel, I believe. It has the best overall athletes in the world. These people aren’t doing it for million-dollar contracts or name recognition – they are simply driven by competition with others and themselves. This is the must human competition you’ll ever see. There is a father/son duo, where the father has beginning stages of Alzheimer’s. It is the most touching thing to see. There is another team comprised of former military, where some were severely injured in combat. The love for family and teams in this competition, is unmatched by anything else I’ve ever seen.
The Game Changers (Netflix) We all have our own belief systems when it comes to what we think is the healthiest way to eat and live. I feel best when I don’t eat meat, but you would never know that by how much meat I eat. This shows athletes who consume a vegan diet and how it helps them. These are (literally) some of the toughest human beings on the face of the planet. It debunks the myth that vegans can’t be strong. Love it.
Everest: Beyond the Limit (Prime) This is a 3-season documentary about climbing Everest. I’ve always been obsessed with Everest (I mean, from a sitting on my ass and watching documentaries about it point of view). It shows the pursuit of Everest from the base camp to the top and back. It breaks your heart, in the most real way, and it has you rooting for every single person – even the obvious pricks of the group. I will never know a passion like these have for climbing this mountain, but I truly admire it.
From Fat to Finish (Prime) This follows groups of people from every walk of life on their running journeys and how the love of running (even when it’s new found) brings people together for Ragnar races (I didn’t know what they were before this documentary). There are people of every size, and it’s inspiring on many levels.
Brittany Runs a Marathon (Prime) It’s one woman’s story of going from disastrous health to running a marathon. She’s a selfish woman, who needed to go on a journey to become a better person on every level. A friend and I watched this together and it brings forth a lot of things to discuss.
Vegucated (Prime) I searched vegan documentaries last weekend, and this was the only one I hadn’t seen over the years. It came out ten years ago, but it does a good job of explaining some of the reasons I believe in a plant-based diet (again, one I don’t currently follow). It’s weaker than many I have seen over the years but good. Forks Over Knives, Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead, Food, Inc are all some I liked better but has been some time since I’ve seen them.
Documentary Style, Limited Series:
Challenger: The Final Flight. Brian and I watched all of these on this list together, which was nice. I had wanted to see this for quite some time, but I really had to ready myself for it. Most of us remember seeing the Space Shuttle Challenger, explode with Christa McCullough (probably misspelled) onboard. It was horrifying. This series was so well done, though. We got to know each of those astronauts, see the eighties through different colored glasses (seeing the racist, sexist newscasts from back then is infuriating), and see just how fucked up the NASA program was. I think there were six episodes or something, but I could have watched fifty. It is all so interesting.
The Trial of the Chicago Seven (Netflix I think) We just watched this one the other night. Brian knew the whole history behind it all before we watched (having seen other documentaries and read a book on it). I thought it was going to be about a race riot. I’m such a dummy when it comes to history. There’s a reason this show was nominated for so many awards. It’s heartbreaking to look back and see what our government was capable of and probably still is. I’m admittedly naïve about many things.
The Last Blockbuster (Netflix). I could not stop watching this. A lot of us grew up in the age of VHS and DVD rentals. In fact, the video story in our little town in the Midwest, just closed some months ago. It’s fun to go back and see a story on something that was such a big part of our adolescence.
This is a Robbery: The World’s Biggest Art Heist (Netflix) This is one of those shows where there could have been many more episodes. The cast of suspects is crazy and each could have shows just on them. This brazen robbery leaves you again, wondering how the fuck could something like this happen?
The Last Dance (Netflix) I remember watching so much of this Bulls dynasty when I was younger. I thought Michael Jordan walked on water and in my teenage years, believing I would name my first son, Jordan Michael. Thank God I didn’t. MJ seems like a real asshole, especially after seeing this. I love seeing the story behind things, and this was really well done.
The Social Dilemma (Netflix) This is scary AF. Period. If you’re reading this, you’re on the internet, and should see this film.
The Call to Courage: Brene Brown (Netflix) My therapist has long spoken about Brene. I used to think her name was Rene and either I was hearing her wrong or she was pronouncing it wrong. Haha. The woman is brilliant. She’s the type of woman you’d like to sit and have a cup of tea with or maybe a couple bottles of wine.
Movies:
Wine Country (Netflix) I rarely watch movies, so this is a short list. I loved this movie. The cast is second to none. Make sure to have a glass of wine in hand when you start it because you’re going to crave it right away (unless you’re not an alcoholic at heart like I am)
The Old Guard (Netflix) My cousin was here and we were all in quarantine (Brian had COVID) and she suggested this movie. Charlize Theron is a total badass. I think that says it all. This movie was a great distraction when it was needed most.
The Wrong Missy (Netflix) My cousin also recommended this. I put this on here as a joke, but I did laugh my ass off (I had an awful lot of wine before seeing this movie). So, if you want to laugh to stupid humor and become a David Spade fan for an hour and a half, this is your movie.
Currently Watching:
Who Killed Sara (Netflix) I kept thinking the dubbing wasn’t matching up, so would pause and start. Again, I’m not the sharpest knife in the drawer – it’s a show from Mexico and has been dubbed in English. It starts great and you’re thinking through, but halfway through, it turns into a full-on Mexican soap opera. I can’t quit watching, though. A friend has had the exact same opinion. You’ll never be bored with this one.
The Blacklist (NBC) Brian and I have watched this since it came out. It’s the only series we follow. You gotta love Reddington.
By now, you’re wondering what the fuck kind of life does Jenn have to sit and write about all of this, and I wonder the same thing. But really, I’m in a walking boot and limited on how much I can do. It was fun to go back and think about these shows. Maybe one day, I’ll do one on books or the best concerts 😊
The past four weeks have tested me in different ways. I worked hard to be strong, tough, vulnerable, practice self-love, and appreciation. I know there is contradiction is some of those things, but life is real, and we try to use the tools that will service us best (insert vibrator joke here).
Eight days before my foot surgery was to take place, I learned I needed a biopsy on my breast. This didn’t come as a huge shock. They’ve been pulling the boobs every which way for a couple of years now. In addition to this, I had recently developed a hard area in my boob. I knew the likelihood of a biopsy was there, but I still hoped they’d tell me the calcifications were still considered normal. Instead, there were more, and the existing ones had grown. Calcifications are typically not cancerous, but there is cause for concern when they are in clusters, which is what I now have, in different places. They wanted to biopsy the largest area.
I was shaken at the news of needing a biopsy – especially when everything was in place for the much needed surgery on my foot. I had been pushing myself physically for that month before the mammogram, and my body was starting to rebel. I was in a lot of pain. I consulted with the radiologist and my doctor and decided to move ahead with the foot/ankle surgery as planned and do the biopsy as soon as I could (I would be able to sit in a chair to have it done). I was nervous about a lot of things, but I wouldn’t let myself confide my fears with anyone.
The foot/ankle surgery went well, and until the fifth day, I thought – shit – I got this. It’s about then that the blocker wore off (a blocker they don’t tell you, you have). Things got a lot more painful at this point. Still, I went ahead with a couple of phone/zoom interviews I had set up. The first one was on the phone the day the pain really started in. I couldn’t take a pain pill until after the interview. I did the interview, laying in bed, with my eyes closed. The next one was two days later and was a zoom interview. Showering and everything at that point was still tough, but I felt good about looking like a human being and using my brain for something other than talking myself out of pain.
Later in the week (eight days post op), I got my second vaccine. Thankfully all went well, but it was a lot on my body at that point to leave the house and use a knee scooter to go through a large building.
The interviews went well enough for me to have follow up interviews the following week. One required me to be on-site. It was a 50 minute drive (Ryne drove me, since I’m sill unable to drive – hopefully will get the okay for doc next week) each way. The interview was three hours (it was also the third interview total with them – this is normal for what I do). Holy smokes, this wore me out. The next day I had my third interview with another company, which was 3.5 hours on zoom.
I was offered one job, and I haven’t gotten a decision on the other yet (guessing I didn’t get it at this point as was supposed to have heard by now). The one job offer was a great offer. I just knew in my gut, it was not the best fit for me. I was worried about a healthy work/life balance. I turned it down. I have now turned down several offers. I fight the angel on one shoulder that tells me I’ll know the right opportunity, and the devil on the other, that tells me I’m crazy. Every job I’ve turned down was for more money than I’ve ever made. I am working on trusting myself with this. Today, I had a fourth interview with a different company. I think it went fairly well, but we will see. I’m most interested in it, because I would be working with a formal colleague, whom I think highly of. I have an interview with another company this week. This one would be for less money but there would be less responsibility. I don’t know….I’m all over the board.
Two weeks after surgery, I had the bandages removed. That in itself was quite painful, as the early layers were soaked in blood and stuck to the stitches. The stitches were removed and a new x-ray was done – putting weight on my foot. This appointment was in middle of the interviews, and it kicked my ass. I ended up very sick that night. I think the pain of everything came out in illness and stomach pain. It was awful. Thankfully I did move into a walking boot that day, though.
Three weeks after surgery, I rolled through the hospital on my knee scooter (too far to walk on walking boot) and got my biopsy. Start to finish was about an hour and a half. It wasn’t too painful and the staff was exceptionally caring. I was told results would be quick, about two days, unless they have a hard time deciphering the results, then they will need to send to the Mayo Clinic and would be 4-7 days. Oh, I did get cheered by staff as I rolled off after the biopsy – made me feel strong.
Staying calm and keeping a positive attitude wasn’t always easy. I’ve been in pain from the surgery, every single day. My foot and ankle are still quite swollen and completely discolored. The first few days ticked by and I remained relatively calm. It wasn’t until the additional days went by, that I started to panic. It was six working days in, that I did the fucking googling. I knew better, and then I got ever more freaked out. I wanted to reach out to friends. I didn’t want to put that on my family. I wanted to talk through everything I was feeling. I have worked hard on being vulnerable, over the years, in therapy. I had come a long way and then things in life happen, and I went backwards and am still a work in process in making myself vulnerable to people. I couldn’t talk it through, but I did send a text to a lifelong friend, telling her I was having a tough day. I also reached out to a local friend and asked if we could go to dinner that night. I know she has a busy life, with small children, and she recognized I would not normally reach out asking to do something that day. She asked if I was okay. I told her I was struggling and wanted to get out of the house. I’m so glad I was vulnerable enough to do that, and I’m so glad that she is part of our adopted family out here. We had a great dinner. I splurged on an expensive meal and the night was not about everything I was going through, it was just about two girlfriends getting together and enjoying time.
The next day (nine days after biopsy), I learned that the calcifications didn’t appear cancerous. Thank the good Lord. They want me to return in six months to be rechecked. I guess Lumpy here, will just need to get used to the fact that the titties will be poked and prodded a lot over my lifetime.
It has been during this four weeks, that two of the people I’m closest to, both got COVID. One didn’t have it bad, while the other one has had much more of an illness. She seems like she is doing better today, and I’m so grateful. Our niece also had an eight-hour surgery. She had been going through some health issues. They wanted to avoid the surgery until she was older, as she is young. Thankfully the surgery went well. Another relative has been going through health issues. My friend that has been battling cancer made the trek out to our house to bring food and gifts. I was so touched, that he would think of me, in my relatively minor surgery, while he is still going through all he is.
Things have just felt especially heavy lately. I know a lot of this is due to the pain and not being able to drive. I can’t deal with stress in my normal ways of hiking, taking my dog for a walk, going to therapy, or just going for a drive. I love my husband, but we have very different love languages when it comes to empathy. I know this about him, so I have to focus on all the good and know that he doesn’t understand what I go through.
A friend came and got me out into nature yesterday. We didn’t do much walking, but it was enough to make my foot/ankle angry with me today – but it was fucking worth it. The adopted family/friend is taking me to the Soap Shop this week, too. I’m finally asking my friends to get me out, and I’m glad my body is at a place where it can get out and do some things. I’m really hoping I get the green light next week to move into a men’s shoe (this will be for two months, because of swelling). I will also be going to physical therapy. I see the pot at the end of the rainbow. Finding out the biopsy was good and getting out have helped me a ton. I know I sound like a whiner, but you are reading a much healthier version of what I wrote to myself last week. Life isn’t always easy. At the same time, you know many have it a million times worse. Even with this, I think it’s healthy to honor your own feelings. My takeaway from this is also to work on my own vulnerability. I have too many wonderful people in my life, to trust they won’t hear me or be there for me. I think the next book I read may have to be Brene Brown, about vulnerability.
Thanks for letting me ramble. Things are looking up – as of today, there are no more steri strips on boob or foot and ankle. God has answered a lot of prayers for those I love and for myself.
I’ll leave you with some Genesis – I totally splurged and bought tickets to see them. I figure, it’s a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Coming to you live from my reclining love seat. My butt has been planted here or I’ve been lying down with foot elevated and icing, for the past eleven days. Today is the day to get back on schedule with real life things (work on my book, writing this post, reading, etc). We are told the, nearly three-hour, surgery went well on my foot and ankle. One wouldn’t think a foot wouldn’t be such a big deal, but boy oh boy, it is. Pain wise, I would say it was worse than knee surgery, but it doesn’t even touch neck surgery. When things feel like they suck with this, I remind myself how lucky I am to not have the horrid nerve pain that came with neck surgery.
All in all, I feel really lucky with this surgery. The first couple of days were easier than I thought they might be. A few days in, I had a short stretch of bad days. Any time you’re dealing with surgery, it gets tough. You don’t poop for a week or more, anesthesia is always tough on me with nausea that last for many days. I was on pain meds, and it was a little hard to have good control over the knee scooter and there were many times I ran over my “good” foot or toe. Thankfully that part has gotten much better. I’m truly grateful for the advice of a good friend who the same surgery on the foot part, when she said to take it easy. She overdid it (by simply trying to make a smoothie) and it landed her in an ambulance to the ER when her back locked up on her. When you’re working on one leg (especially when it’s a bad knee) and bending and twisting and using these different muscles, the body is not real forgiving. I have gotten a lot more brave lately (doing dishes a few times and putting laundry in washing machine, etc), but I am very careful. I’m hoping on Wednesday, I will graduate to a walking boot. It will take a bit to actually walk, but I am super excited at this prospect. It is one step closer to healing this part of the body.
I have been so blessed with family and friends who have been there for me every day since before and after the surgery. Anyone who has had surgery knows just what a head fuck it all is. You’re in pain. You feel alone, etc. This surgery has been the best in terms of support, and it makes all the difference. I urge you to be the person that checks in on someone when they are going through surgery or a tough time. I promise: they will be so appreciative, and they will never forget you. I’ve been showered with meals, books, flowers, nice visits, good phone conversations and texts. I knew how hard this was going to be, and I did ask my baby sister to be there for me. She heard me. Being heard is one of the most precious things there is in this life (especially in a house full of boys 😊 She called me for days leading up to the surgery and after. She took time from her day to plan some of these long calls, while she was vacationing in Honolulu. I am so appreciative of my family and friends for making me feel so loved and cared for.
It always helps to keep things in perspective when going through dark times. I have some that are close to me, that have gone through absolute hell lately. I do feel helpless, in that I can’t just drop food by or be there to give a hug. I don’t know…as I start to write, it’s too heavy to write about and not my stories. COVID is still a giant MOTHER FUCKER. It’s times like this, where I wish I were someone who used the C word, because that’s what goes through my head. I’m not going to sit and preach about getting vaccinated. Some of those closest to me don’t believe in it, and we agree to not even talk about it – knowing we can’t change each other’s minds. I will say this…The first time I left the house in over a week, was Friday when Brian drove me half hour each way for me to get my second vaccination. It was rough with all the movement. It was rough when I had to scoot through this large building from place to place to get that second shot. I was rough, fearing a bad reaction – which thank God, I did not get. But I tell you what, I feel beyond grateful to have been vaccinated. I feel beyond grateful that everyone in my house has at least one shot under the belt. COVID is a MOFO that is still making people I love, sick. It is still taking the lives of their family and friends. I’m just praying enough people get vaccinated, so that we can put this C word of a virus in the past. – I thank God that the vaccine is now becoming so much more widely available.
No real good segue way here. I had put off the job search for a while, as I knew the surgery was coming up. I did apply for two jobs right before the surgery, knowing it takes a while to go through the process. I did interview with both of them last week, and I believe they went well. I should know more about them this week. One of them I am really interested in. I have had a couple of different offers since I last wrote, but they were not the jobs for me. I am being selective. Jobs are such a big part of our lives, I just really want to make the right move.
I’ll also continue to try and make the most of my time off work, to find an agent for my book and figure that stuff out. Everything takes a long time – especially when you’re a first time author, without an agent etc already in place. I did add a new chapter to my book. I had felt it needed it, and my editor suggested it too. I had to sit with it for a while. It’s not easy to plop down a new chapter a third of the way into a book, that has been completed for some time. I like the way it came out, even though, I’m still trying to get used to it. It helps pulls things together better. I sent the chapter to my editor. We did not talk money. She edited it and also went back into the following chapter and gave suggestions to help tie things together. I sent her some money via an app. She returned the money, giving me the sweetest note. This woman, does this for a living….and she did not want to take my money. Instead, she told me she hoped me downtime after surgery has given me a lot of time to think about the next book. To have someone believe in you like this and simply want to support me….Dude. It is one of the greatest feelings in the world.
I’ve now been off the hard pain relievers for a bit and can keep my eyes open throughout the day. I’m looking forward to taking advantage of this time to work on the things that bring my soul peace.
I did want to say, that initially after surgery, I had a hard time eating. My stomach was so upset. I counted my points. I made good choices in order to be healthy. Then, after several days, I got HUNGRY. And I really haven’t stopped eating (mostly shit) since. I need to pull it together. I was afraid this would happen. Staying on track isn’t always easy, and especially when I don’t have the luxury of using my feet to stand in a kitchen or to workout my mental stuff through walking and hiking, etc. I do need to get back to it, though. I need to nourish my body as it tries to heal itself. This will be a long journey, and I need all the help I can get. I need to start off each day with a smoothie or fresh juice. I feel like I can maybe do this now (be more active in the kitchen). If I start my day right, it makes all the difference. My whole routine is so thrown off (including getting up late). So, please send me some positive energy.
I received some awesome news about a friend getting a clean scan today (they had been checking for cancer). It totally makes my day! I look forward to working on book, reading, and allowing myself 2 episodes of “The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel” today. I hope the day brings you happiness in all the ways that are most important to you.
diaryofherjourney 