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Mind over body. Body over mindfucks.

Happy Saturday! I hope you are in the midst of some Springtime weather. Last week we had a snowstorm, and I think everyone was pulling their hair out, including the birds who were visibly saying – what the fuck?! We’ve had some spring showers, but living out here, I appreciate the sound of rain. It rains so much less here than the NW or Alaska.

The change in weather has allowed me to be active outdoors again. When I found out my surgery date (April 15), I had just over thirty days, and I vowed to make the most of every day until surgery. Thankfully, I’ve been able to do it all outdoors. The weather doesn’t need to be perfect for me to enjoy hiking, forest preserves or walking trails: it just needs to be free of too much ice. My body fights me in different ways every day, but thankfully my determination and sense of appreciation for this body, are stronger than the pain. I know it won’t be this way every day, but I’m grateful with everything going on, I’m able to keep going. If it starts to get bad while I’m out, I try to focus on the birds and the trees, the air, and everything that makes this world great. So far, it’s working.

Most of the time, it’s me and my dog Jesse. A couple/few times a week, friends or Brian are able to join. It was on a hike with a friend recently, that we were able to get up close and personal with an owl. I had never been so close to one. It just turned its head and stared at us for several moments before flying off. Breathtaking.

I’m continuing to lose weight. It isn’t happening as quickly as I’d like, but I am in the throws of some nasty hormonal shit. I celebrate each loss. I have been more dedicated this past couple of weeks than have in quite a while. With 2021, there have been weight losses, followed by gains, on and on, but I am happy with where I am right now. I have really put a lot into my food addiction lately and realizing just how strong it is. It is real. Every meal, I must choose me and my health, no matter how down I might be with the hormones. I was either in in PMS or bleeding the entire month of February. I just finished cramping a couple of days ago after eight straight days, complete with swollen boobs, and the period did not come. I’m not mad about not bleeding. It’s just weird shit. The hormones can bring me way down. Earlier this week, there were tears with no real reason. There have been days I have not wanted to get out of bed. Each morning, I choose me, and get my ass going – even when it feels like there is no purpose to any of it. I’m glad I can recognize the hormonals stuff. It makes me feel less crazy.

The hormones have jacked up my sleep. I don’t have obsessive thinking in the way I used to, but while I am awake at night, I think a lot about food. I knew I was going to be getting Thai food from my favorite place yesterday, and I probably spend an hour thinking through if I was going to get a lunch portion (which I break into 1 ½ meals) or the dinner size (nearly 3). It’s not as if I don’t ever get to eat here. A friend and I have a standing Thai date. We get takeout from this restaurant, nearly every week. No matter what meal or snack, I have probably thought about it repeatedly, wanting something else, before settling on what’s best for me. I am glad I make the right choices most of the time. Sometimes that choice, is something that isn’t healthy. Last week, I hiked with friends. We grabbed breakfast and doughnuts to bring to my house. I thoughtfully figured out my breakfast and even ate a filled Long John doughnut. Let me tell you, I mouth fucked that doughnut. It was the best thing ever. I didn’t feel guilty for eating it. I accounted for it. I adjusted my day around it. One of the greatest rewards of watching what you’re eating, is getting to enjoy food. Had I not been counting points and off in denial land, I likely would have eaten two or three (maybe four) that day, and not really tasted any of them.

Through the ups and downs of life, there have been some real highs. I spoke to my editor last week, and she had the greatest things to say about my book. It has taken a long time to get to this point, but it is close to ready. She said she sees this book being a hit in book clubs. This editor had told me many times before it wasn’t ready. She has given me so much guidance. I’ve stayed with it, so to hear such positive things, feels really good. She is not blowing smoke up my ass. She spent and hour and a half with me (at no charge) just talking about the story and how to get it out there. I am also…..finally happy with it. It feels good to read it. The flow is there. Who knew it would take so much work just to get a good flow? I’ve learned so much in this process. No matter what happens with it: I am proud of my efforts and the story.

I had a big low on Monday, when I found out I had psoriasis. I was on a regular dermatologist appointment, when she pointed it out and asked questions. It is on the bottom of one foot now but has been on both. I thought it was from hiking with moisture in the socks. Look, I said “moisture,” not “moist.” I know a lot of us hate that word. Moist. Anyway, it was a knockdown punch. It is an autoimmune thing, and of course, that would make anyone stop and take a breath. I was also pissed. The foot thing came out of left field and now this. I let it get to me for a few days, but I am treating the psoriasis now and it seems to be responding. I hate that I have something that never really goes away, but it is mild. At least I know about it and will just continue on with my journey. I can’t do much more than that, so I’m not going to lose sleep over it. Oh, but apparently it is usually brought on by illness. I only noticed it in the past few months. My guess is, the crap going on with my cycle did it. Fucking cycle.

I haven’t been writing here, as I didn’t feel good about writing while going through some of what the hormonal shifts have brought. It has all given me more reason to work on self-awareness. I’m focusing on what brings value to my life. That’s where my energy needs to be. It is a freeing place – to not be consumed about trying to make everyone else happy. I live in this head. I live in this body. It has taken me nearly fifty years, but I am so glad to have finally arrived at a place of putting myself first. I hope you are doing this same.

Take care my friends. I hope this weekend brings you health and happiness. -Oh, the video below….shitballs. This will kick you right in the crotch. Ed lost someone close to him a few weeks ago, due to COVID. He wrote the song in response, and it is pure emotion. Dear God, what we wouldn’t all do for visiting hours in heaven.

~Jen

This is 49

My aunt put this in my birthday package. She hit the nail on the head.

Happy Saturday! Here in the Midwest, we have this yellow orb in the sky – the snow is melting – it is glorious. It truly is amazing what a difference in the weather makes. My youngest was leaving for practice this morning and came back in to tell me, there was no wind. He said, “It’s so nice out there.” This is especially shocking, since he is his mother’s son, and not a morning person. For a teenager to initiate conversation and have enthusiasm about the weather, says a lot.

My birthday week is coming to a close. Going into it, I felt a little sadness, as being out here, is just not the same as being back west. I miss the celebrations my friends would throw for me – and my friends in general. I was pleasantly surprised when my friend and former coworker, B3, reached out and asked to take me to lunch the day before my birthday. He lives more than an hour away from the restaurant/bar next to our old workplace. We feel safe there. It was great to see him, and to have a day when things felt “normal.” There was great conversation, a couple beers, laughs, good food, and awesome music on the jukebox. Since the pandemic began, I have not gone out much. I have a real appreciation for anything that feels familiar. It was a great way to kick off my birthday weekend.

I woke up to 49 on Sunday with a messy house. I was the only one up and stopped myself before I started cleaning and thought about what would make me happies. I went for a drive to a neighboring town and picked up a breakfast sandwich and doughnuts for the family at this great bakery. I miss seeing water. The river has been frozen, so the only place I could think of was the dam. I parked, enjoyed my sandwich while listening to Stern and saw water for the first time in a long time. I was lucky enough to see two bald eagles hunting on the other side of the river. I talked to a friend for a bit and then continued to take it all in.

The house was even messier when I returned home. I took a deep breath and didn’t say anything. The youngest went to practice and the hubby and oldest went to Rockford to run errands and pick up an ice cream cake. For the first time in a long time, I had the house to myself. I put on the soft rock station, lit a candle, and cleaned. I love the immediate gratification that cleaning brings. In the peace, I then sat and opened the cards and gifts that had come in the mail. The love was overwhelming. I feel all warm inside just thinking of the outpouring of love. I then checked texts and FB. Again, all the fuzzies. A friend gives me her copy of People magazine every year when they have their 100 lb weight loss issue (She knows I love it). It had been sitting on my end table for a couple months, and in the quiet, I turned nearly every page of that magazine. (coincidentally, she is one of my favorite people and her birthday is the day before mine)

The boys picked up Red Lobster for dinner and our close friends, The “Lambos” came over. It was important to me to spend my birthday with family, and they are our family out here. It was a big treat for all of us, as they don’t get out much since the pandemic began, having a child who is high risk. They had just gotten a puppy that day and brought her as well. Seeing that puppy was the cherry on top of the sundae – that was my birthday.

Nearly every day of the week, has brought more birthday love. This really was one of my favorite birthdays. I don’t know how the fuck I am forty-nine years old…but I didn’t dwell on the number. I felt the love and am truly able to appreciate all this life has blessed me with. I plan to make this year before turning 5-0, nothing short of fantastic.

I feel grateful to have the peace of mind that comes along with aging. I stress much less about the small stuff. I am more comfortable in my own skin, than I ever though I could be. I feel good about the person I am but know I can be better – and work on this all the time. Physically, though, I feel the aches and pains of someone much older. I have not mentioned my foot pain much, because I am tired of feeling like a giant pussy when it comes to injuries. I had an x-ray done before the holidays and knew the results were not good, although really didn’t understand them. I was referred to a podiatrist, but because we ended up without insurance for January, I could not go until earlier this week. More x-rays were done and confirmed what I knew was coming – surgery. I also have this large lump on the top of my foot in between my ankle. I showed my friend the other day, and she said, “That is huge!” (yes, that’s what she said). I have not always had it so asked the Dr about it a few years ago. I was told it was normal. Um, okay. I worried as a boy I had a crush on when I was in h.s. had a lump on his ankle and it turned out to be cancerous. Thank God, our friend Ed made him get it checked out. The Dr explained my lump away, but it always made me uneasy. So, now with an actual foot Dr, I was asked what I did to my ankle. She led with this, so it freaked me out for a minute. Apparently this large lump is a bone spur from a previous injury. My guess is that’s what caused me to walk differently or whatever it is that caused the problems with my foot. The bone spur will also be removed at time of surgery. I will be off my feet for two weeks, then in a boot for six weeks. The next two months will be spent wearing a men’s shoe (because of the swelling) and p/t. Hopefully I will be good to hike after four months or so – but it is a year before total recovery.

I had a nice little pity party on Tuesday, complete with lots of food and wine. Thankfully, I put my big girl panties back on and have been back on track. My bp was shitty at the Dr’s office, and I want to be as healthy as I can be before surgery. I will know the surgery date this week, but for now, I only know it will be in March.

Outside of the foot thing, this week has continued to be great. My editor returned what is to be the last edit (her part anyway) last night. She had such great words to say about the story. I am excited to see what this will look like, after I’m done accepting/rejecting her changes, etc. I now know how my week will be spent. I don’t know what I did in this life to deserve her, but she really is an angel. I feel a true connection with her. Not only is she charging me half her normal rate (and I know she put more time in it on top of that), but a package arrived from her on my birthday. She did not know it was my birthday – how crazy is that? She sent a book for me to read from same genre and wants to know what I think of the publisher, as finding a publisher is the next step. The person I hired, spent her own money to send me a book…. She is also encouraging me to write another book. Having someone believe in you is priceless.

I should get out and about. I have promised myself to get in exercise every day before my surgery. It hurts my soul that I will not be able to do the things I want for so long, but I know it could always be worse. I am lucky to be taking care of this now, before it gets even worse and more painful.

Please go out and seize the day – you never know what tomorrow will bring.

I’ll leave you with this song I woke up to at 2 AM (in my head-have not heard it in years). It is not my song. A friend has a story to it, although I don’t know the story – only that it was a song that really got to her. There is irony to this song.

~Jenn

Small Victories are Life Saving

Happy Friday! We are still frozen solid out here in the Midwest. Snow is lightly falling. A friend is texting me now, about his upcoming west coast trip to Palm Springs, Phoenix and Vegas. Big sigh. I miss traveling. I miss my friends. I miss the sun.

My phone got fried on Monday. I did not get a new phone until last night and switched service, so I can’t see any of my messages from the week. It was quite stressful, since Jim had his surgery on Monday. Thankfully, I was able to connect with his wife on messenger on my laptop for updates. The surgery was supposed to be no more than four hours but ended up at 6 ½. He had an internal bleed, but thankfully they were able to get it under control. They could not get all the cancer out and will hit the rest with radiation. The following night he threw a blood clot near his heart. They put in a mesh screen yesterday. The poor guy has really been through it. I hate that he is going through this, but I’m so glad he does have good care – and a deep faith.

Not having a phone was also nerve wracking as I have a job I’ve been interviewing for. I have gone through all three interviews. I am actually excited about this opportunity so am really hoping this works out. Being home has been nice, but I need to feel like I’m contributing more to our finances. Brian is still supportive of me being home, but I do the bills etc. Even though we planned for this, the thought of taking money from the savings we set aside – kills me.

I am grateful for the time I’ve had. My editor is now doing what she says is the last edit on the book. There will be small things to tweak after this, but we are in the home stretch. It will still be a journey to see if can find a publisher, but if that doesn’t work out – I can self-publish. I am excited about the story. Although, I recently watched FireFly Lane, and there are a few similarities – not with the story – but with events. Doh.

I watched an interview with Coach P yesterday. I had never heard of her, but she was promoting her book on living with bipolar disorder. She said, “stories over stigma.” While I don’t think I am bipolar, I certainly deal with depression issues. These past couple of weeks have been quite rough. I started feeling what I know to be depressive feelings associated with my hormones. Unfortunately, I know those feelings well. I thought it was too early, but the female body doesn’t really give a shit about how a cycle should work. I felt lousy for about 8 or 9 days before I started a light cycle. I had extensive anxiety – like the kind from the early months of the pandemic. I have eaten everything in sight. For the second month in a row, I went 3 weeks in between cycles starting…. For the past 9 days, I have been bleeding. It was light until two days ago and now it is awful. To the point, where I would not want to go in public. I was awake and active at 4:30 this morning but thank God, for not working and being able to go back to sleep later and slept a full two hours. It was much needed.

With the last blog, I wrote about Red, Red, Wine starting when I started writing. I took it as a sign and had some wine that night. I know better. My hormones have been crazy. The time before when I drank, I felt all the feels. The same thing happened Sunday. I drank too much – a full bottle. I drank over several hours, with glasses of water – but being on an antidepressant does not mix well with that much wine. I will work hard to not let that happen again. It takes me to super sad places and then still don’t feel right the next day.

The depression of the last two or three weeks has led me to not want to get out of bed. I am proud of the fact that I make myself get up and do chores. I have done things that normally make me feel good. I am not a big tv binger but binged Bridgerton and FireFly Lane. I loved both of them. I also read, “Burn the Place.” A friend had just finished it and said she’d heard the author on a podcast. As with any show or book, I like to go into it without knowing anything it’s about. When it arrived, I was like…shit…I would have never read this. It’s an autobiography about a woman I have never heard of, but it was simply wonderful. It is about her life growing up, her fight with her sexuality, addiction, and her success as a chef – opening restaurants. She didn’t hold back. She told her truths, even when it made her look terrible. I also watched a movie called, I Can Only Imagine. I thought it was about something else and recorded wrong movie. I was having a particular bad night, and I’m so glad I watched this. It’s the life story of the lead singer from the band, Mercy Me (Christian group). I had never heard of them, but it was truly inspiring. I thought I was in bed for the night, but I paused it 45 minutes in and made myself clean my bathroom. I felt so good the next morning that it had been done. The movie does make you realize how good we all have it – and how we are capable of anything. There was also a lot of references to Amy Grant in the movie. I don’t think anyone knows this, but when I was younger, I listened to her cassettes over and over. This was back when she was a Christian singer, before had gone mainstream. I adore her. Seeing her in the movie, made me like her even more. She is a wonderful person.

Through this time, I have not gotten my steps on most days. I have not tracked my food. There were a few days when I ate so much, my stomach hurt, and then I ate some more. I have not been hard on myself, even though, I know I now have more weight to lose than I did two weeks ago. Last week I had gained 2.5 pounds. This week, I did not get on the scale. Many will not be able to relate, but I am proud of myself through this time. I got out of bed. I cleaned. I cooked. I was present for the family. I still did my weekly “Thai date” with my friend. I’ve made myself do a lot of things, when I just want to pull the covers over my head.

I had planned for going into 4-9 much differently. I thought I would be down to the next next 10 in weight. I had been feeling so great. I won’t go into the birthday at a good weight, but I am feeling better. It’s funny, physically my cycle is life ruining, but mentally, my hormones are now getting better. I will take it. There is a package from my auntie and a card from my dad, sitting on my table. A friend just text to see how the birthday girl is doing. She counts down for me every year. Sunday will be a great day. I am looking forward to my birthday.

I hope you’ve enjoyed reading the rantings of an overweight older woman, who still gets awful periods, eats and drinks too much, Amy Grant loving, swears like a sailor and can’t figure out how to use an iPhone chick. I appreciate you being here through this. I hope the next post will be about much more positive things.

~Jenn

Life with Boys

Okay, the universe is trying to tell me something….For the second day in a row, I’ve turned on the 80’s music channel on t.v. and Red, Red, Wine starts. I’m telling you…the t.v. is like a best friend trying to talk you into drinking, when you know you shouldn’t. I love wine. Truly love it. Sometimes it is a depressant, and that totally fucking sucks. It’s like your boyfriend cheating on you. They are supposed to make you feel all good inside and bam! Haven’t thought about something awful in a long time? Wine will remind you and make you as sad as the day it happened. Other times, it is my favorite feeling. I feel warm, relaxed, social – the things I want to always feel but don’t. Huh. Not how I thought this blog would start, but the universe thought I needed to get some thoughts out, I guess.

I hope this Valentine’s Day is treating you well. I guess it’s like wine for many, in how they feel about it. It has never been a big deal to me. I usually think of my Grandma June, as it was her birthday. I don’t think she liked me much, but I still think of her. VDay is one week before my birthday, so Brian always jokes about blending the two together. He jokes, but he does do this. The poor guy got home this morning after being gone for work for 16 ½ hours. He still came home with a sweet card. That, to me, is the best. As tired as he was, he thought of me. What did I get him? Uh, I thought we would wait until he had a day off. Whoops. Oh man. ONJ just came on. Maybe I should turn off the music. Distracting. Any song by her takes me back, but especially Magic (which is playing). Put on your roller skates and find a cute partner for the couples skate. Anyway, my love language is gifts and services. I will make Brian some cookies. We are out of eggs, so I need to figure the best egg substitute. The house if clean. I will pack an emergency bag for the car for him. It is -20 wind chill right now and only supposed to get colder. His laundry is clean. Dinner is made for him to take. This may not be how you view romance, but if those things are done for me – Bam! Panties off. I think they call this choremance.

Last weekend I was putting groceries away and noticed the 1,000 bags of nearly empty bags of chips scattered around. Shame on me for continuing to buy them, but every time I look, I see we are almost out. I don’t eat chips much, so it’s not something I keep a close eye on. This type of shit makes me bat shit crazy…. Every day in this house is an act of self-restraint. I have gotten much better in recent years about holding it all in. It does no good to ask for help or point things out. Still, I do speak up sometimes. Yesterday was one of those days, and Brian says, ”If you weren’t so cute, I’d find you annoying.” Grrrr….sweet but grrrrr. I Hate a dirty house. It is especially worse amid a pandemic, weather that is unfit to go out in, and being jobless. I work hard to keep it all up. It makes me feel good to clean. I love the instant results. It makes it much harder, when I’m constantly cleaning up after 3 able bodies boys. Back in the day, Brian and I had agreement that whoever doesn’t cook, had to clean up. That went out the window years ago. I usually do both. It is fine now, though. He is working. I am not. I remind myself of this every day. We have a small entry way. I put in a shoe house or whatever it’s called. If I were to look now, there are probably seven pair of shoes kicked up next to it. Like a fucking inch away… If I were to walk into the boys’ bathroom right now, I’ll likely see an electric toothbrush sitting right in front of the charger, an empty tp roll on the roller and a roll on the counter. The soap may be out – when there’s a big thing of refillable hand wash under the sink. A stack of Brian and Cal’s dirty clothes – Ryne got tired of me bitching a year or so ago and does pick his up. On some days, my toothpaste is also in there (because nobody looked under the cabinet or in the drawer to see where I have them stocked). It is recycling put on the counter, because apparently the trash can I have labeled “recycling” is too far away (but maybe six feet – I know since I’m the only one who takes it or the garbage out). I could go on and on and on…It is maddening.

As I’ve gotten older, I have come to realize more and more – what is most important. Sure, the things above make me fucking nuts, but I have learned to let those things go more easily. I think of Brian, tired, stressed, and he stops to get me a card. I would have been fine with him coming right home to sleep. I went back to the bed when he got home, because I know he sleeps best when I’m next to him. I stayed there for about an hour until I knew he was sleeping hard. We have been together – oh shit – quick math – 28 years, and he wants me next to him. He makes me laugh every single day. He works hard for our family. He has taken on the responsibility of making the money while I try to figure things out for myself. He never says, are you going to eat all of that or haven’t you had enough to drink? He is attracted to me at any weight, and I find him as sexy as the day we met. He is faithful. He has stayed with me, when I wouldn’t have blamed him for leaving.

Yes, life with boys is not easy. I might be going through a midlife crisis (okay, I know I’m older than midlife, but in my head -that’s how I see it) as far as a career, but I feel grounded in my home life. I’m lucky to have my life with boys.

Today is the last time I will post my blog to my personal home page. I will continue to on the diaryofherjourney FB page. It is too hard for me to be vulnerable to so many people. If people want to read this, hopefully they will subscribe on the home page of the blog. It will only email you if I post something new. I would like to grow this with people who have my best interest at heart and are helping me to realizing a dream.

Damn, I can’t get Red, Red, Wine out of my head.

We will talk about how bad I’ve been shitting the bed on my food choices next time.

I hope this day finds you right where you want to be.

~Jenn

Cancer Schmancer

Happy Tuesday to you! I hope you are somewhere warm…and if you are – please tell me how good the sun feels. The last time I checked this morning, it was -8 here in the Midwest. Big sigh. We are living in an ugly ice castle. The snow is just big mounds of ice at this point. We had been invited to Honolulu next month, and if not for this pandemic, I would have ticket in hand.

The above picture is of Alan and my son, Caleb (8/30/20). I have previously written about Alan and his kind soul. We were lucky enough to be adopted into his wonderful family. It started with our good friends the “Lambos” inviting us to a holiday dinner and Jackie’s family instantly taking in our wayward souls. Before the pandemic, we spent all the holidays at Jackie’s or Stacy’s (Jackie’s sister, who has also become a great friend) house. 2020 has been a bad year for all, but the Olson family was hit extra hard as Alan was diagnosed with brain cancer. He was given about six months to live. Cancer is cruel, though, and it wasn’t long before he was in the hospital with only hours to days to live, unable to get out of bed. Through what felt like divine intervention, the tumor moved – or something – and Alan was able to go home (walking) and have more time on this earth. He was quite affected by the tumor but in many ways, could still be his lovely self. Caleb and I were lucky enough to spend time with the family in their home (it was the first time since pandemic, I went into another home). It was during one of these visits, I was able to tell Alan, exactly what he meant to me. We were sitting out in the sun, with just his brother and Caleb. I was nervous to show my vulnerability, but I thank God I had the courage to say what I did. I told him how much I appreciated him – especially when I had been so ill. I let him know that when you go through something like that, not many people get it, or want to get just how scary and hard it is to nearly lose your life – to live for months without knowing what is wrong. Alan knew, long before his illness, he knew. He had his church praying for me, long after I assured him I was okay. He went from being my friends’ dad, to being someone who understood my plight more than anyone I knew. He did the same thing through my neck surgery and in these years since – always asking with such a kind and loving heart how I was doing. Alan’s response, as he was dying of cancer, when I brought this up – was to get emotional and say how worried he had been about me…. Our conversation was quite emotional, for both of us.

The following week, Alan was at our house, sitting in a chair – directing Brian and Lambo on a kitchen project. He was unable to do the work himself, but a half hour in, asking the guys, “What are you doing?” and told them what to do. Yes, a man on hospice, spent time to help us with a garbage disposal….

In my last blog post, I wrote about choosing to leave a job I knew would not be right for me. Alan was in what we knew would be his final days, and I am so glad I was home on Friday. I was able to make dinner for their family and send it over with Jackie. It made my heart feel good to do something, anything, during such a rough time for this family I love so much. I just needed them to know I was thinking of them.

On Sunday, Alan lost his battle with cancer. My heart breaks for the family.

Cancer is such a mother fucker. I say this as I’m wearing a sweatshirt in support of a friend battling breast cancer right now. She is a warrior and pray for the best for her. And let me tell you something, she is rocking the fuck out of her bald head.

At the same time, my friend Jim is fighting his second battle with cancer. Jim and I were coworkers and it took us a minute to become close. We have completely different work styles. He is a bulldog. I remember him tearing into a supplier and we could all hear what was going on – a coworker from another dept -emails me, saying, “It’s a bad day to be Carlos.” I still laugh thinking of this. Still this bulldog, ex-Navy guy, and I became very close. He refers to me as his “big sister.” He is older than me, so I’m not sure if it’s because of my height, or the fact that I act like an old lady with all my wisdom. Haha. We have had some wonderful conversations, full of vulnerability, trust, love, and empathy. He was the first one to have us over for holiday meals. In fact, it is only Jim and his wife Chris, along with the Olson’s who have invited us to spend holidays with their families (out here in the Midwest). Jim’s love and protective nature have also left an imprint on my heart. There are not many imprints on this heart of mine. I will fiercely love and protect anyone who has left this mark – always.

In 2016, Jim fought cancer. It was a brutal battle. First, it was surgery. We (some coworkers) sent him pink, “It’s a girl” balloons and teddy bear etc to his room. The hospital staff would walk into his room, all confused, and Jim would have to explain they were sent for his “sex change operation.” I can still see the tough ex-Navy guy doing this. He was a wonderful sense of humor and recently was lamenting about being pushed through the hospital with his release, balloons tied to the wheelchair, and pink teddy bear in hand – getting all sorts of strange looks. Jim needed several months of chemo and radiation after surgery. Even though it was lung cancer, radiation was done on his head to prevent spread to his brain. Unfortunately, they over-radiated his brain. This has caused a lot of issues and now the cancer has returned. He is having a procedure done on 2/12 and surgery on 2/15. He will also need radiation again. My heart breaks for his situation and all that his wife is going through. Because of everything, Jim has been unable to work since 1/2020. With his blessing, I was lucky enough to be able to start a go fund me page. There have been many tears of joy and gratitude with donations, that have come from some of my friends and family, who have never even met him. I am not sure what I have done in this life to know such loving people, but I am forever grateful.

I know this was a heavy post. We have all been touched by cancer in many ways. I pray there will soon be an end to this – through gentle cures. I pray there is an end to this GD pandemic, that makes it all so much worse.

Thank you for allowing me to write this post and enabling me to get out some of the emotion that I keep try to stuff further and further down.

I wish you a great day – full of good health – and the vulnerability needed to tell those you love them – that you do. We only have this one, precious life.

~Jenn

Dreams and Week 4 Results

Happy Saturday! I hope you were able to sleep in. I have been up since 3:30 or so, but I did not get up until after 5. It is supposed to be -20 with wind chill factor today. I wish I were still snuggled up under the covers. I don’t know why my sleep patters have been so jacked up again but hopefully this will be short lived.

Brian is now through his first two weeks of work and is happy with his workplace. He has also been lucky enough to work most of it from home. The work he does, mostly needs to be done in person. His commute – 100 miles each way into downtown Chicago… So, we have truly appreciated how things worked out in this first couple of weeks.

Me, well, I think I am going through some sort of midlife crisis when it comes to jobs. It has been brewing for years now, but I feel it now, more than ever before. I have been thinking of my former co-worker Donna, a lot lately. Yesterday I received a lengthy email from her. It was good to hear from her, but my heart breaks for all she has been through. We worked together at my last job. We got along well. She was old school, put your head down and work – but was fortunate to get to know her on a personal level, as well. She and her husband David were a year or so away from retirement when I met her. David was able to retire first. Donna was to be about six months behind him. They had been building their retirement home in Galena since I met her. They had saved their whole lives for retirement. Donna is so good with money – unlike me. I asked her how they were able to save so much, and she shared her budget spreadsheet with me. While Donna was still working, she needed knee surgery and went out for what was supposed to be six weeks. The knee surgery caused other knee issues and subsequently, she had two more surgeries. She kept in contact all the while with plans of returning to work for a bit. Over the holidays of Dec 2019, Donna’s husband became suddenly ill, and they learned he had cancer. Donna was forced to retire, so she could care for him. Her husband fought the good fight but lost his battle around the holidays of this year. It has always made me angry – they worked so hard their whole lives – living frugally – finally building their dream home – and never got to fully enjoy it or retired life together.

Donna’s situation has stayed with me. There is more to life than spending our days doing a job we don’t enjoy (in my case anyway). Life is hard and demanding, though. We all have bills. We have commitments and obligations. We do need to think about retirement – all while trying to not let life pass us by in the quest for financial security.

When I left my last job, my plan was to take some time off. I was burned out. The job, this pandemic had all gotten to me. I wanted to focus on my health and on writing. It was unfortunate when Brian’s job was suddenly outsourced to India…leaving us both scrambling for jobs. We were lucky in that we both had offers right away and started our new jobs on the same day. I knew the first day of my new job, that it was not the place for me. I was to replace the purchasing manager who was retiring. We were in this tiny office, with our desks, back-to-back about foot and half apart. The purchasing department is in a small office, attached to our office. There is a sliding door there, but it is always open. I was the only one wearing a mask. The president of the company does not believe in them, so people don’t wear masks. I had been told their MRP system was outdated, but in reality, there was not MRP system – just a makeshift way built around, not having a system. Without the proper tools, the team prints everything out and writes all the information on paper and transfers notes onto post its and puts them on a corkboard. My days were spent copying and pasting information in the computer and then writing things out. I need stimulation. There were many things, but I could not see this as my life. It was easy enough. I could have gotten by. I had a good salary. It scared me, that I could see myself doing this day in and day out for years, always being unhappy. I beat myself up over this. I was lucky to have a good job. I knew I should be grateful. I told my friend Caity about what I was going through and how I could not stay. I expected for her to try and talk me into continuing, instead she said, “I’m proud of you for knowing what won’t work for you. You’re amazing!” She also sent me the meme at the top of this post. I gave the job two weeks, hoping I could see things differently, but I left the job. I am thankful to Caity and for my Friday night zoom happy hour friends for supporting me in this difficult decision. The BFF had sent me some gifts in celebration of me taking that job – I wonder if she’ll want me to return them? J/K. If I offered, she would tell me they were my “Taking care of you,” gifts.

While all of this was going on at the new job, I have been working with my first editor again. She is now working on a magazine and is sending me copies, encouraging me to submit some articles. Me? She is amazing. My friend Asha is also reading my book for the first time. While I was wanting to stab my eyes out at work, she would send me the nicest texts about where she was at in the book. Yesterday she said, she finds herself wanting to yell at the girls – Don’t do it! before they go on to their mistakes. The writing thing will likely never go anywhere, but the dream is alive, thanks to supportive people like Lesley and Asha.

I also think of my former boss and mentor. When we were in the UK on business, we got quite tanked (more than once, ha, along with our colleague B3). It was when we were drunk that I confessed I really don’t like what I do for a living. His reaction- But you’re so good at it! Imagine how good you would be doing something you liked! I have never forgotten this. This meant a lot coming from him.

I did not do shit for exercise during the work week. My diet, though, was on point, and I was rewarded with a 2.2 pound loss this past week. I am nervous about my upcoming Monday weigh-in, though. I ate through the stress on Thursday. The chick who has hardly consumed meat in 2021, ate a bacon cheeseburger and tater tots, complete with ranch dressing and finished the day off with a vegan (but fatty) ice cream bar. I got back on it yesterday, though. Those days will happen. The key is not letting a moment, day, week, or whatever, of weakness, keep you from chasing after your goals. Each night I try to reflect on what I have done that day to get me closer to my dreams. Being skinny is not a dream. Being fit in a healthy body is part of the dream.

I hope this day finds you one day closer to your dream.

~Jenn

And just like Magic, Xanadu just came on the 80’s station I’ve had on in the background. Cheers to ONJ! Enjoy.

Week 3 Results – Hunger for Life Greater than Hunger for Food

Happy Sunday! We awoke to a winter wonderland here in the Midwest. We are so fortunate that a storm hit on a Saturday, so there will be far less people on the roads. It is still snowing lightly. We have a guy plow our driveway and shovel the walkway to our door. He was here an hour ago, but it is already white again. Hiring this young man a few years ago has been life changing – for $25. There could not be a better use of our money.

This week has been crazy as I started a new job. Coming into this week, I had only missed hitting over 10,000 steps one day in the past 17 or so. I know myself, and knew I would not be able to continue this trend over the first week of work. I did not hit my steps all week (in fact – only around 3k a day), until yesterday. I am really proud of my food choices this week, though. I am well within my points for the week.

Brian also started a new job on Monday. He likes it, and that makes my heart happy. I am also relieved that we have health insurance again. We were without it for a month, and that was scary AF. Not having insurance at any time would suck, but I was especially nervous amid a pandemic. I fell down our stairs (about 6 stairs or so) last weekend. I was trying to get in some flights of stairs for exercise. Thankfully, I was holding the railing. I had shoes on. I didn’t miss a step. I am not sure how it happened – my knee may have given out. That fall could have been lifechanging, had I really hurt myself (ER, surgery plus no insurance…no Bueno). I was lucky in that I have only been sore this week. My overweight body is not happy with me.

A friend posted a throwback picture this morning, of a fun night from ten years ago or so. Her husband had a charity bowling event every year, and we always had a blast. Seeing the photo made me miss her, our group of friends, and being back in WA. I am not sure why seeing this picture brought me back to a missed trip, as it is not something I ever think about. She had invited me to go to Hawaii with a couple of friends, many years ago. She wanted to pay for the trip and told me I would not have to worry about anything. She was persistent, but I could not accept. I would not allow someone to pay for something like that for me. Today, I felt regret for tuning it down. She offered because she wanted me to be there. I would have had a blast. It got me thinking about regrets in life. I don’t have many. I do not see the value in regret. In saying this, yes, there are a couple of things I wish I handled differently – and if could go back in time – I would. Outside of that, I would say any regrets in life, are about things I did not do. In my life, I let fear and pride get in the way of a lot of great adventures. Thank God, I let go of a lot of that in my forties and now live for new experiences. I do not want to look back on the second half of my life with any of those same regrets from my younger years.

I weigh-in for my WW app on Mondays. I do not have a healthy relationship with the scale, but I acknowledge it is a necessary evil in my weight loss journey. I know the scale is not everything. It took me my whole life to get to this point. I still get anxiety before stepping on every week, though. I was down 1 ¼ pounds. The first thing that goes through my mind (with any loss) is, thank God, I did not gain. Next, I stare at it – thinking it should have been more. I marinate on this in the shower. I stayed within my points. I got my steps in every day. I wonder if I cheated myself and ate more than I thought – maybe I didn’t track right. On and on and on, when really it might not have been any of that. I log the weight and finally….I celebrate. I think of the scale going in the right direction. 1.25 pounds is fucking awesome. I think of a pound of hamburger and what that looks like, and that is no longer on my body. I think about how I don’t have to take Tums anymore. I think about how much money I save by eating out so much less. I think about my BP and how I am doing all I can to lower it. Also, I celebrate my skin – which has responded well to a clean diet.

I went into the month of January with a goal of eating less meat. Brian and I both were going to allow for 1-2 times a week. I had chicken fried steak the day before I started writing for accountability (previously wrote about) and I had a Jr. Cheeseburger from Wendy’s during a 3 hour drive while on my period. The fact that I did not try to eat a triple cheeseburger of some sort is a minor miracle in itself. I am happy with the low meat consumption. I went into the month thinking I would not drink. Well, I shit the bed there. I did drink a few times. I am okay with it. I didn’t drink this week. I drank less in a month, than I had in a lot of weeks over this past year. There are times I miss it. I wanted to drink last night, but I try to save drinking for “social” events (which obviously look much different in the age of COVID). I recently read about a man’s weight loss and he cut out drinking – stating it was easier to not drink, than it was to just have one. I can totally relate. I also wanted to complete a plank challenge, but my shoulder would not allow for it. At about a week and a half in, I had to wave the white flag. The bff and I have been good accountability partners. We check in on most nights simply saying how we did. There is only encouragement. I am lucky to have her.

I weigh-in again tomorrow, and I will be okay with whatever it is (after my initial head fuck of half hour or so). This is a journey.

I will continue to remember that my hunger for life, is more than my hunger for food (most of the time anyway).

I’ll leave you with one of my favorite Brandi songs. These days we go to waste like wine that’s turned to turpentine. It’s 6 AM and I’m all messed up. I didn’t mean to waste your time, so I’ll fall back in line. But I’m warning you, we’re growing up.

Have a wonderful week,

Jenn

Week 2 – Tiny steps and smoke

Happy Thursday! I hope this day finds you feeling well. It has warmed up here and is now a balmy 36 degrees outside. I walked outside on Tuesday in “feels like” weather of 10 degrees. My knees and foot ache in the cold weather-and after, so yesterday when it was 6 out, I got my 10,000 steps done indoors. It is the second time I have done this, and it’s a lot of laps in our little house. So, today I look forward to some natural Vitamin D and helping my dog to calm down. She stalks me when we don’t go for a walk.

I did buy a recumbent bike this weekend. It is currently sitting outside. I bought it used from a lady but did not realize that smoke smell would stick to a bike. I wiped down every inch of it when we got home and have also heavily doused it with Lysol a couple of times. It still stinks. I am hoping leaving it outside all day will help get the smell off this thing. Lesson learned: always ask if something comes from a smoke free home.

Men, you may want to skip this paragraph. As I have talked a lot on this blog, my cycles can be quite rough. I was hopeful after last months was lighter both mentally and physically. I keep praying that menopause will come in and save me one month. This one was rough. I can’t bitch too much, because they are better than they used to be. I no longer get these giant wooshes that go through everything and end up on the chairs while I am in meetings or those types of things. Still, the dramatic part of me kicks in every month. I was sitting on the pot the other day, feeling like I’m bleeding out, thinking, this is the worst – when suddenly the toilet seat broke….Well played universe. Well played. Yes, it can always be worse.

I start my new job on Monday. I have tried not to think about it too much, because I have a lot of anxiety. I hope I chose the right one, but there are doubts that have crept in since making my decision. There are concerns about the position but also, I am really nervous about COVID. In this position, I will be packed in a small office with people who do not wear masks. If someone gets it, we will all get it.

I became good friends at my last job with a guy we call B3. We made a great team at work and a friendship grew from there. He has always been concerned about COVID, stating that his house is small and worried about giving it to his family. His son also has down syndrome, and he worries what would happen if he got it. B3 and I have both only been in restaurants twice since March: once when I was leaving job and couple weeks ago, on his last day. We went to the same restaurant/bar near our old work. It is open and spacious, with tall ceilings and plenty of room between tables. We wore masks when we were not eating. We just both take this so seriously. He started his new job last week. He wore a mask every day. He was concerned because it is a small office, so he started wearing a mask in his home, and in the car with his family – even when driving daughter back to college. He has worn the mask around his parents, who he has also been worried about. Yes, this guy who has been so careful – got COVID his first week at his new job – from his coworker. I hate this fucking virus. B3 and I talk every day and I worry so much for he and his family. Now, my anxiety is ramped up even more, knowing what happened to him. This virus is cruel, and I hope we can eradicate this thing soon….

Anyway, enough about that – just letting you know how my anxiety has been getting to me. Outside of that, things are going well. My diet is on track, although I have already used a lot of my reserve WW points for the week (I drank 2/3 bottle of wine last night). I took a break from the 10,000+ steps on Sunday as my body needed it but have otherwise been hitting my goals. I feel good about where I am at but do have to constantly remind myself – this is a journey – it will not happen overnight. I am in a weight loss competition. I knew I would not win but love camaraderie of people working towards the same goals. I am getting smoked. I just have to keep the eye on the biggest prize, my health. I have a long way to go, but the only way to get there is one step at a time.

OMG…My friend just sent me a picture of her new 3-legged, six-month-old puppy. Holy cuteness! Day made. And wow – B3 just sent me one of his kitty giving him love. Seriously, if you want to make my day – send me pics of your pets.

I hope you all have a wonderful day. Please stay safe and healthy.

Jenn

Shake It Off – Week 1 results

Happy Monday to you! Also known to many of us as the dreaded weigh-in day. I am also in a weight loss “competition” that weighs in on Wednesdays. I joined, not because I thought I could win, but for the comradery of it. I only know two people in the group, but most are local, so I am hoping to get to know more people by the end of it. The competition is app based. It is so easy. I wish I would have known about this when I was doing weigh-ins for people.

I had really been off for several days. I could not shake it. You could probably tell by my morose post yesterday. It finally dawned on me last night, that it was PMS. Duh. It is early, so I was not expecting it. Thought it was all fallout from trying to wean off the antidepressant. I woke up this morning to my cycle – and a clearer, happier headspace.

With this development, I was nervous to step on the scale. However, my hard work was rewarded with a 2 ½ pound loss. That is nearly 5 pounds in two weeks. I am really happy with this. We do not always see the results we think we should, so I will gladly take this. I searched 2.5 weight loss images and only found the shaker weight. I have seen cool images of what weight loss looks like. If you know of what site that’s on, please let me know. I remember being on a girls trip to Vegas and this bar we were in had the shaker commercial running the whole time on their tv’s as to simulate hand jobs. In other words, I lost a hand job this week.

Things that have gone well: I have continued to drink a lot of water. I have started drinking mostly tepid water. I have heard for a long time that it is better for you because and it makes sense to me – especially if you are eating and drinking water – cold water would harden whatever fat you might be eating. I drink about 20+ ounces each morning before I eat or drink anything. That is also supposed to be good to get things moving. I have done a lot of walking. I have been accountable for what I have been eating. It really is that simple – the execution anyway – we know there is a million mind fucks in between.

Every day is a good day but am especially looking forward to today. A friend is driving out to visit. We are going on a walk (happy she wants to join me in the cold) and grabbing some lunch. With the pandemic, I have not had a lot of in person social time. She had wanted to meet earlier last week, but I knew she had been to a party and had to put it off. I get nervous about that damn virus – with good reason. Poor Cal is suffering a lot of the aftereffects that many go through with COVID. It breaks my heart. Later today Brian is returning from a four-day trip. He has the antibodies now, so I am glad he was able to spend time with friends before starting his new job next Monday. Ryne was also house/dog sitting during this time, so Caleb and I got to spend some quality time together while they were both out.

I hope you all have a wonderful day today as well.

Below is a photo of my breakfast. I normally do a smoothie or sometimes fresh juice, but this was easiest in my current condition. (dramatic much?) I often do this as a snack. It is non-fat, plain Greek yogurt with frozen blueberries. I do this with different types of fruit – a Cutie being my favorite lately. It is 0 point on Blue WW. It is taste great and is guilt free. Winning.

~Jenn

Week One: You may be right, I may be crazy

Happy Sunday to you! Here in the Midwest, we have awoken to some light snow. It is incredibly beautiful, and it makes me forget for a moment – just how much I hate the winter.

Today is the close of week 1 of documenting this journey. I will weigh myself tomorrow morning but no matter what the scale says, I am pleased with my efforts. Today will look a little different than the first six days. My knees are killing me. I cannot remember the last time they caused this much pain. Through today I hit my commitment of being active for at least 30 minutes a day, hitting over 10,000 steps each day in the process. I missed one day on the plank challenge but doubled up another day in order to meet my goal. I will be one day short of my commitment to lift light weights 3x this week, but I did shovel wet snow and break up ice yesterday. I still have a major mental block on lifting weights. I will get through this, though. My body has been kind to me and am happy with what I have done – pushing myself further with my upper body this week than I have – since maybe pre-surgery. Even the snow and ice shoveling was a big breakthrough for me.

I feel good about my diet this week and will end up within my WW points, but it was not easy. There are times when I am on point and it doesn’t matter what anyone around me is eating. Lately, I hear every crunch of a chip, I see the cookies. I see the soda. I want what everyone in the house is eating. Sometimes I give in, eating just a little. I count the points and I pay the price. Those are empty calories and do nothing to satisfy hunger. In the moment though, I take my time and enjoy it. If I am going to waste 6 of my 26 points of the day on four Oreo thins, I mouth fuck those cookies. With time, being around food will get easier.

I have been on an antidepressant for the past six months. I see the benefits but also feel the side effects. I know it helps around my cycle. I still go through a little hell, but it is leaps and bounds better than with the antidepressant. I think it also keeps me more even, overall. I still struggle at times. I am on a low dosage. A good friend gave me some good advice recently, telling me to feel the feels of what I was going through. She is right and I quit trying to fight off sadness when it comes to visit. The biggest issue I have with the antidepressant is the nightmares I get. I also get night sweats, but those have gotten less intense with time. The nightmares came immediately when I started on this pill. I am often afraid to go to sleep. People die in my nightmares. People I love. I have had recurring nightmares about the same people and am always afraid for them. Earlier this week, there was a massacre in my dream. It is not the first time this has happened. I gave the whole antidepressant thing more thought. I have done a lot of work on myself. I am better than I have been. I am eating well and active. The voice of Glennon Doyle (from the book Untamed) kept going through my head, saying this is not when you get off them. This means, they are working. Still, because of the nightmares, I decided to wean off. The second day, I went through the ringer. My head went all over the place. This is not how I would be off antidepressants; this is the brain going crazy over the change. This is scary in itself – my brain reacting to the change so fiercely. I wanted to be through the worst of it before I started my new job next week, but I am not in a place to go through this right now. I will wait until the weather is better and try again. I feel defeated in this, but I also know it is best for me to stay the course right now.

This week has been great in a lot of ways, despite those few days. I am building on the confidence my first editor has shown me and am working through another edit on the book. When I am done with this, I will have it professionally edited again – hopefully for the last time. I hate that I have ideas for other books in my head, because this process is excruciating. I acknowledge that I am not a “real” writer. I do not know a lot of the writing rules, but I do know that I am a gifted storyteller. Okay, that felt really weird to write….I do not talk about myself with such confidence, but I am proud of the way this book came out. I am blessed beyond measure, to have started the journey of this book with this editor. Without Lesley, I would never have gotten to the place I have with this book. She has believed in me, when I have not believed in myself, or the story.

I did not eat meat this week (except for eggs). I feel better when I do not eat meat. We all know what our body reacts best to, and not eating meat, makes me feel mentally and physically better. I am still eating too much cheese but have cut down. I do not have plans to be a lifelong vegetarian right now, but I do plan to eat a lot less meat moving forward than I have been these past years. I did not drink alcohol this week. I have not quit, but I have cut down quite a bit over these past several months. I needed to and feel better for it.

I have spent a lot of my life believing I needed to do something grand to be loved or appreciated. I think it started when I was young and was part of my drive to be a good athlete. In all honesty, it might even be why I wrote the book. I wanted to be a published author. I wanted to prove to myself and others, that I could be something. My dear friend Lynn is the first person who read it. I admire her greatly, so her opinion meant a lot to me. She read this really rough draft of a story and could not have been more supportive. When the bff read one of the later drafts, she said, “It’s a goddamned novel!” I reveled in her opinion. When another person I really cared about and wanted to impress, read it and gave me a simple thumbs up after they finished it, it killed me. I took that to mean, they had no words so there was just an emoji. I have hated the mother fucking thumbs up ever since. It took me a long time to learn the lessons from all of this. Other people’s opinions of my work, mattered more than my own. In fact, I probably loved those people, more than I was able to love myself at the time.

The awesome Mr. Roger’s once said, “I hope you never feel like you have to achieve something amazing in order to feel love.” I can honestly say, I no longer feel this way. The book will have cost me a lot of money. I will not make anything on it. I will feel weird putting it into the world and asking people to buy it. Still, I am proud of myself. I am happy. This is what matters most.

I do this blog for another reason. I have not done this to achieve something grand. I started it to help myself. In its infancy, I tried to shame myself into losing weight – by putting my stuff out there. It quickly turned into something that fed my soul in a different way. I gained stronger friendships through this. I learned I was not alone in a lot of the things I go through. This blog also costs me money. It is a labor of love. Each time I publish an entry, I go through terrible anxiety and feel all of the vulnerability (and immediately want to drink). If you are still reading this, I know it is because you care about me or you are on your own journey and looking for inspiration. I do hope to inspire, even when I am failing, because I am out there – I am trying. I hope you will take this ride with me. Together, we can triumph, we can stumble, we can laugh at ourselves, and most of all – we will know that we are not alone.

I am not someone who asks people for things, but if you do read this, please go to the home page of the site and subscribe. You will not get spam or anything, only an email telling you when there is a new post. You can also like and follow the blog on this site. This helps me to build the site. Really, it helps me to build a dream. A huge thank you to those of you who have already done so!

Alright, you may have read this and thought, Girl, up those antidepressants, don’t get off of them. Who knows, you may be right, I may be crazy, but it just might be a lunatic you’re looking for, as the amazing Billy Joel once sang. Still, I hope you will stay around through all of the crazy. We all feel this way sometimes.

Have a wonderful day,

Jenn