My aunt put this in my birthday package. She hit the nail on the head.
Happy Saturday! Here in the Midwest, we have this yellow orb in the sky – the snow is melting – it is glorious. It truly is amazing what a difference in the weather makes. My youngest was leaving for practice this morning and came back in to tell me, there was no wind. He said, “It’s so nice out there.” This is especially shocking, since he is his mother’s son, and not a morning person. For a teenager to initiate conversation and have enthusiasm about the weather, says a lot.
My birthday week is coming to a close. Going into it, I felt a little sadness, as being out here, is just not the same as being back west. I miss the celebrations my friends would throw for me – and my friends in general. I was pleasantly surprised when my friend and former coworker, B3, reached out and asked to take me to lunch the day before my birthday. He lives more than an hour away from the restaurant/bar next to our old workplace. We feel safe there. It was great to see him, and to have a day when things felt “normal.” There was great conversation, a couple beers, laughs, good food, and awesome music on the jukebox. Since the pandemic began, I have not gone out much. I have a real appreciation for anything that feels familiar. It was a great way to kick off my birthday weekend.
I woke up to 49 on Sunday with a messy house. I was the only one up and stopped myself before I started cleaning and thought about what would make me happies. I went for a drive to a neighboring town and picked up a breakfast sandwich and doughnuts for the family at this great bakery. I miss seeing water. The river has been frozen, so the only place I could think of was the dam. I parked, enjoyed my sandwich while listening to Stern and saw water for the first time in a long time. I was lucky enough to see two bald eagles hunting on the other side of the river. I talked to a friend for a bit and then continued to take it all in.
The house was even messier when I returned home. I took a deep breath and didn’t say anything. The youngest went to practice and the hubby and oldest went to Rockford to run errands and pick up an ice cream cake. For the first time in a long time, I had the house to myself. I put on the soft rock station, lit a candle, and cleaned. I love the immediate gratification that cleaning brings. In the peace, I then sat and opened the cards and gifts that had come in the mail. The love was overwhelming. I feel all warm inside just thinking of the outpouring of love. I then checked texts and FB. Again, all the fuzzies. A friend gives me her copy of People magazine every year when they have their 100 lb weight loss issue (She knows I love it). It had been sitting on my end table for a couple months, and in the quiet, I turned nearly every page of that magazine. (coincidentally, she is one of my favorite people and her birthday is the day before mine)
The boys picked up Red Lobster for dinner and our close friends, The “Lambos” came over. It was important to me to spend my birthday with family, and they are our family out here. It was a big treat for all of us, as they don’t get out much since the pandemic began, having a child who is high risk. They had just gotten a puppy that day and brought her as well. Seeing that puppy was the cherry on top of the sundae – that was my birthday.
Nearly every day of the week, has brought more birthday love. This really was one of my favorite birthdays. I don’t know how the fuck I am forty-nine years old…but I didn’t dwell on the number. I felt the love and am truly able to appreciate all this life has blessed me with. I plan to make this year before turning 5-0, nothing short of fantastic.
I feel grateful to have the peace of mind that comes along with aging. I stress much less about the small stuff. I am more comfortable in my own skin, than I ever though I could be. I feel good about the person I am but know I can be better – and work on this all the time. Physically, though, I feel the aches and pains of someone much older. I have not mentioned my foot pain much, because I am tired of feeling like a giant pussy when it comes to injuries. I had an x-ray done before the holidays and knew the results were not good, although really didn’t understand them. I was referred to a podiatrist, but because we ended up without insurance for January, I could not go until earlier this week. More x-rays were done and confirmed what I knew was coming – surgery. I also have this large lump on the top of my foot in between my ankle. I showed my friend the other day, and she said, “That is huge!” (yes, that’s what she said). I have not always had it so asked the Dr about it a few years ago. I was told it was normal. Um, okay. I worried as a boy I had a crush on when I was in h.s. had a lump on his ankle and it turned out to be cancerous. Thank God, our friend Ed made him get it checked out. The Dr explained my lump away, but it always made me uneasy. So, now with an actual foot Dr, I was asked what I did to my ankle. She led with this, so it freaked me out for a minute. Apparently this large lump is a bone spur from a previous injury. My guess is that’s what caused me to walk differently or whatever it is that caused the problems with my foot. The bone spur will also be removed at time of surgery. I will be off my feet for two weeks, then in a boot for six weeks. The next two months will be spent wearing a men’s shoe (because of the swelling) and p/t. Hopefully I will be good to hike after four months or so – but it is a year before total recovery.
I had a nice little pity party on Tuesday, complete with lots of food and wine. Thankfully, I put my big girl panties back on and have been back on track. My bp was shitty at the Dr’s office, and I want to be as healthy as I can be before surgery. I will know the surgery date this week, but for now, I only know it will be in March.
Outside of the foot thing, this week has continued to be great. My editor returned what is to be the last edit (her part anyway) last night. She had such great words to say about the story. I am excited to see what this will look like, after I’m done accepting/rejecting her changes, etc. I now know how my week will be spent. I don’t know what I did in this life to deserve her, but she really is an angel. I feel a true connection with her. Not only is she charging me half her normal rate (and I know she put more time in it on top of that), but a package arrived from her on my birthday. She did not know it was my birthday – how crazy is that? She sent a book for me to read from same genre and wants to know what I think of the publisher, as finding a publisher is the next step. The person I hired, spent her own money to send me a book…. She is also encouraging me to write another book. Having someone believe in you is priceless.
I should get out and about. I have promised myself to get in exercise every day before my surgery. It hurts my soul that I will not be able to do the things I want for so long, but I know it could always be worse. I am lucky to be taking care of this now, before it gets even worse and more painful.
Please go out and seize the day – you never know what tomorrow will bring.
I’ll leave you with this song I woke up to at 2 AM (in my head-have not heard it in years). It is not my song. A friend has a story to it, although I don’t know the story – only that it was a song that really got to her. There is irony to this song.
~Jenn
diaryofherjourney 