Happy Friday! We are still frozen solid out here in the Midwest. Snow is lightly falling. A friend is texting me now, about his upcoming west coast trip to Palm Springs, Phoenix and Vegas. Big sigh. I miss traveling. I miss my friends. I miss the sun.
My phone got fried on Monday. I did not get a new phone until last night and switched service, so I can’t see any of my messages from the week. It was quite stressful, since Jim had his surgery on Monday. Thankfully, I was able to connect with his wife on messenger on my laptop for updates. The surgery was supposed to be no more than four hours but ended up at 6 ½. He had an internal bleed, but thankfully they were able to get it under control. They could not get all the cancer out and will hit the rest with radiation. The following night he threw a blood clot near his heart. They put in a mesh screen yesterday. The poor guy has really been through it. I hate that he is going through this, but I’m so glad he does have good care – and a deep faith.
Not having a phone was also nerve wracking as I have a job I’ve been interviewing for. I have gone through all three interviews. I am actually excited about this opportunity so am really hoping this works out. Being home has been nice, but I need to feel like I’m contributing more to our finances. Brian is still supportive of me being home, but I do the bills etc. Even though we planned for this, the thought of taking money from the savings we set aside – kills me.
I am grateful for the time I’ve had. My editor is now doing what she says is the last edit on the book. There will be small things to tweak after this, but we are in the home stretch. It will still be a journey to see if can find a publisher, but if that doesn’t work out – I can self-publish. I am excited about the story. Although, I recently watched FireFly Lane, and there are a few similarities – not with the story – but with events. Doh.
I watched an interview with Coach P yesterday. I had never heard of her, but she was promoting her book on living with bipolar disorder. She said, “stories over stigma.” While I don’t think I am bipolar, I certainly deal with depression issues. These past couple of weeks have been quite rough. I started feeling what I know to be depressive feelings associated with my hormones. Unfortunately, I know those feelings well. I thought it was too early, but the female body doesn’t really give a shit about how a cycle should work. I felt lousy for about 8 or 9 days before I started a light cycle. I had extensive anxiety – like the kind from the early months of the pandemic. I have eaten everything in sight. For the second month in a row, I went 3 weeks in between cycles starting…. For the past 9 days, I have been bleeding. It was light until two days ago and now it is awful. To the point, where I would not want to go in public. I was awake and active at 4:30 this morning but thank God, for not working and being able to go back to sleep later and slept a full two hours. It was much needed.
With the last blog, I wrote about Red, Red, Wine starting when I started writing. I took it as a sign and had some wine that night. I know better. My hormones have been crazy. The time before when I drank, I felt all the feels. The same thing happened Sunday. I drank too much – a full bottle. I drank over several hours, with glasses of water – but being on an antidepressant does not mix well with that much wine. I will work hard to not let that happen again. It takes me to super sad places and then still don’t feel right the next day.
The depression of the last two or three weeks has led me to not want to get out of bed. I am proud of the fact that I make myself get up and do chores. I have done things that normally make me feel good. I am not a big tv binger but binged Bridgerton and FireFly Lane. I loved both of them. I also read, “Burn the Place.” A friend had just finished it and said she’d heard the author on a podcast. As with any show or book, I like to go into it without knowing anything it’s about. When it arrived, I was like…shit…I would have never read this. It’s an autobiography about a woman I have never heard of, but it was simply wonderful. It is about her life growing up, her fight with her sexuality, addiction, and her success as a chef – opening restaurants. She didn’t hold back. She told her truths, even when it made her look terrible. I also watched a movie called, I Can Only Imagine. I thought it was about something else and recorded wrong movie. I was having a particular bad night, and I’m so glad I watched this. It’s the life story of the lead singer from the band, Mercy Me (Christian group). I had never heard of them, but it was truly inspiring. I thought I was in bed for the night, but I paused it 45 minutes in and made myself clean my bathroom. I felt so good the next morning that it had been done. The movie does make you realize how good we all have it – and how we are capable of anything. There was also a lot of references to Amy Grant in the movie. I don’t think anyone knows this, but when I was younger, I listened to her cassettes over and over. This was back when she was a Christian singer, before had gone mainstream. I adore her. Seeing her in the movie, made me like her even more. She is a wonderful person.
Through this time, I have not gotten my steps on most days. I have not tracked my food. There were a few days when I ate so much, my stomach hurt, and then I ate some more. I have not been hard on myself, even though, I know I now have more weight to lose than I did two weeks ago. Last week I had gained 2.5 pounds. This week, I did not get on the scale. Many will not be able to relate, but I am proud of myself through this time. I got out of bed. I cleaned. I cooked. I was present for the family. I still did my weekly “Thai date” with my friend. I’ve made myself do a lot of things, when I just want to pull the covers over my head.
I had planned for going into 4-9 much differently. I thought I would be down to the next next 10 in weight. I had been feeling so great. I won’t go into the birthday at a good weight, but I am feeling better. It’s funny, physically my cycle is life ruining, but mentally, my hormones are now getting better. I will take it. There is a package from my auntie and a card from my dad, sitting on my table. A friend just text to see how the birthday girl is doing. She counts down for me every year. Sunday will be a great day. I am looking forward to my birthday.
I hope you’ve enjoyed reading the rantings of an overweight older woman, who still gets awful periods, eats and drinks too much, Amy Grant loving, swears like a sailor and can’t figure out how to use an iPhone chick. I appreciate you being here through this. I hope the next post will be about much more positive things.
~Jenn
diaryofherjourney 