Tag Archives: bunion

Scooting along….

Coming to you live from my reclining love seat. My butt has been planted here or I’ve been lying down with foot elevated and icing, for the past eleven days. Today is the day to get back on schedule with real life things (work on my book, writing this post, reading, etc). We are told the, nearly three-hour, surgery went well on my foot and ankle. One wouldn’t think a foot wouldn’t be such a big deal, but boy oh boy, it is. Pain wise, I would say it was worse than knee surgery, but it doesn’t even touch neck surgery. When things feel like they suck with this, I remind myself how lucky I am to not have the horrid nerve pain that came with neck surgery.

All in all, I feel really lucky with this surgery. The first couple of days were easier than I thought they might be. A few days in, I had a short stretch of bad days. Any time you’re dealing with surgery, it gets tough. You don’t poop for a week or more, anesthesia is always tough on me with nausea that last for many days. I was on pain meds, and it was a little hard to have good control over the knee scooter and there were many times I ran over my “good” foot or toe. Thankfully that part has gotten much better. I’m truly grateful for the advice of a good friend who the same surgery on the foot part, when she said to take it easy. She overdid it (by simply trying to make a smoothie) and it landed her in an ambulance to the ER when her back locked up on her. When you’re working on one leg (especially when it’s a bad knee) and bending and twisting and using these different muscles, the body is not real forgiving. I have gotten a lot more brave lately (doing dishes a few times and putting laundry in washing machine, etc), but I am very careful. I’m hoping on Wednesday, I will graduate to a walking boot. It will take a bit to actually walk, but I am super excited at this prospect. It is one step closer to healing this part of the body.

I have been so blessed with family and friends who have been there for me every day since before and after the surgery. Anyone who has had surgery knows just what a head fuck it all is. You’re in pain. You feel alone, etc. This surgery has been the best in terms of support, and it makes all the difference. I urge you to be the person that checks in on someone when they are going through surgery or a tough time. I promise: they will be so appreciative, and they will never forget you. I’ve been showered with meals, books, flowers, nice visits, good phone conversations and texts. I knew how hard this was going to be, and I did ask my baby sister to be there for me. She heard me. Being heard is one of the most precious things there is in this life (especially in a house full of boys 😊 She called me for days leading up to the surgery and after. She took time from her day to plan some of these long calls, while she was vacationing in Honolulu. I am so appreciative of my family and friends for making me feel so loved and cared for.

It always helps to keep things in perspective when going through dark times. I have some that are close to me, that have gone through absolute hell lately. I do feel helpless, in that I can’t just drop food by or be there to give a hug. I don’t know…as I start to write, it’s too heavy to write about and not my stories. COVID is still a giant MOTHER FUCKER. It’s times like this, where I wish I were someone who used the C word, because that’s what goes through my head. I’m not going to sit and preach about getting vaccinated. Some of those closest to me don’t believe in it, and we agree to not even talk about it – knowing we can’t change each other’s minds. I will say this…The first time I left the house in over a week, was Friday when Brian drove me half hour each way for me to get my second vaccination. It was rough with all the movement. It was rough when I had to scoot through this large building from place to place to get that second shot. I was rough, fearing a bad reaction – which thank God, I did not get. But I tell you what, I feel beyond grateful to have been vaccinated. I feel beyond grateful that everyone in my house has at least one shot under the belt. COVID is a MOFO that is still making people I love, sick. It is still taking the lives of their family and friends. I’m just praying enough people get vaccinated, so that we can put this C word of a virus in the past. – I thank God that the vaccine is now becoming so much more widely available.

No real good segue way here. I had put off the job search for a while, as I knew the surgery was coming up. I did apply for two jobs right before the surgery, knowing it takes a while to go through the process. I did interview with both of them last week, and I believe they went well. I should know more about them this week. One of them I am really interested in. I have had a couple of different offers since I last wrote, but they were not the jobs for me. I am being selective. Jobs are such a big part of our lives, I just really want to make the right move.

I’ll also continue to try and make the most of my time off work, to find an agent for my book and figure that stuff out. Everything takes a long time – especially when you’re a first time author, without an agent etc already in place. I did add a new chapter to my book. I had felt it needed it, and my editor suggested it too. I had to sit with it for a while. It’s not easy to plop down a new chapter a third of the way into a book, that has been completed for some time. I like the way it came out, even though, I’m still trying to get used to it. It helps pulls things together better. I sent the chapter to my editor. We did not talk money. She edited it and also went back into the following chapter and gave suggestions to help tie things together. I sent her some money via an app. She returned the money, giving me the sweetest note. This woman, does this for a living….and she did not want to take my money. Instead, she told me she hoped me downtime after surgery has given me a lot of time to think about the next book. To have someone believe in you like this and simply want to support me….Dude. It is one of the greatest feelings in the world.

I’ve now been off the hard pain relievers for a bit and can keep my eyes open throughout the day. I’m looking forward to taking advantage of this time to work on the things that bring my soul peace.

I did want to say, that initially after surgery, I had a hard time eating. My stomach was so upset. I counted my points. I made good choices in order to be healthy. Then, after several days, I got HUNGRY. And I really haven’t stopped eating (mostly shit) since. I need to pull it together. I was afraid this would happen. Staying on track isn’t always easy, and especially when I don’t have the luxury of using my feet to stand in a kitchen or to workout my mental stuff through walking and hiking, etc. I do need to get back to it, though. I need to nourish my body as it tries to heal itself. This will be a long journey, and I need all the help I can get. I need to start off each day with a smoothie or fresh juice. I feel like I can maybe do this now (be more active in the kitchen). If I start my day right, it makes all the difference. My whole routine is so thrown off (including getting up late). So, please send me some positive energy.

I received some awesome news about a friend getting a clean scan today (they had been checking for cancer). It totally makes my day! I look forward to working on book, reading, and allowing myself 2 episodes of “The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel” today. I hope the day brings you happiness in all the ways that are most important to you.

Thanks for reading,

Jenn

Mind over body. Body over mindfucks.

Happy Saturday! I hope you are in the midst of some Springtime weather. Last week we had a snowstorm, and I think everyone was pulling their hair out, including the birds who were visibly saying – what the fuck?! We’ve had some spring showers, but living out here, I appreciate the sound of rain. It rains so much less here than the NW or Alaska.

The change in weather has allowed me to be active outdoors again. When I found out my surgery date (April 15), I had just over thirty days, and I vowed to make the most of every day until surgery. Thankfully, I’ve been able to do it all outdoors. The weather doesn’t need to be perfect for me to enjoy hiking, forest preserves or walking trails: it just needs to be free of too much ice. My body fights me in different ways every day, but thankfully my determination and sense of appreciation for this body, are stronger than the pain. I know it won’t be this way every day, but I’m grateful with everything going on, I’m able to keep going. If it starts to get bad while I’m out, I try to focus on the birds and the trees, the air, and everything that makes this world great. So far, it’s working.

Most of the time, it’s me and my dog Jesse. A couple/few times a week, friends or Brian are able to join. It was on a hike with a friend recently, that we were able to get up close and personal with an owl. I had never been so close to one. It just turned its head and stared at us for several moments before flying off. Breathtaking.

I’m continuing to lose weight. It isn’t happening as quickly as I’d like, but I am in the throws of some nasty hormonal shit. I celebrate each loss. I have been more dedicated this past couple of weeks than have in quite a while. With 2021, there have been weight losses, followed by gains, on and on, but I am happy with where I am right now. I have really put a lot into my food addiction lately and realizing just how strong it is. It is real. Every meal, I must choose me and my health, no matter how down I might be with the hormones. I was either in in PMS or bleeding the entire month of February. I just finished cramping a couple of days ago after eight straight days, complete with swollen boobs, and the period did not come. I’m not mad about not bleeding. It’s just weird shit. The hormones can bring me way down. Earlier this week, there were tears with no real reason. There have been days I have not wanted to get out of bed. Each morning, I choose me, and get my ass going – even when it feels like there is no purpose to any of it. I’m glad I can recognize the hormonals stuff. It makes me feel less crazy.

The hormones have jacked up my sleep. I don’t have obsessive thinking in the way I used to, but while I am awake at night, I think a lot about food. I knew I was going to be getting Thai food from my favorite place yesterday, and I probably spend an hour thinking through if I was going to get a lunch portion (which I break into 1 ½ meals) or the dinner size (nearly 3). It’s not as if I don’t ever get to eat here. A friend and I have a standing Thai date. We get takeout from this restaurant, nearly every week. No matter what meal or snack, I have probably thought about it repeatedly, wanting something else, before settling on what’s best for me. I am glad I make the right choices most of the time. Sometimes that choice, is something that isn’t healthy. Last week, I hiked with friends. We grabbed breakfast and doughnuts to bring to my house. I thoughtfully figured out my breakfast and even ate a filled Long John doughnut. Let me tell you, I mouth fucked that doughnut. It was the best thing ever. I didn’t feel guilty for eating it. I accounted for it. I adjusted my day around it. One of the greatest rewards of watching what you’re eating, is getting to enjoy food. Had I not been counting points and off in denial land, I likely would have eaten two or three (maybe four) that day, and not really tasted any of them.

Through the ups and downs of life, there have been some real highs. I spoke to my editor last week, and she had the greatest things to say about my book. It has taken a long time to get to this point, but it is close to ready. She said she sees this book being a hit in book clubs. This editor had told me many times before it wasn’t ready. She has given me so much guidance. I’ve stayed with it, so to hear such positive things, feels really good. She is not blowing smoke up my ass. She spent and hour and a half with me (at no charge) just talking about the story and how to get it out there. I am also…..finally happy with it. It feels good to read it. The flow is there. Who knew it would take so much work just to get a good flow? I’ve learned so much in this process. No matter what happens with it: I am proud of my efforts and the story.

I had a big low on Monday, when I found out I had psoriasis. I was on a regular dermatologist appointment, when she pointed it out and asked questions. It is on the bottom of one foot now but has been on both. I thought it was from hiking with moisture in the socks. Look, I said “moisture,” not “moist.” I know a lot of us hate that word. Moist. Anyway, it was a knockdown punch. It is an autoimmune thing, and of course, that would make anyone stop and take a breath. I was also pissed. The foot thing came out of left field and now this. I let it get to me for a few days, but I am treating the psoriasis now and it seems to be responding. I hate that I have something that never really goes away, but it is mild. At least I know about it and will just continue on with my journey. I can’t do much more than that, so I’m not going to lose sleep over it. Oh, but apparently it is usually brought on by illness. I only noticed it in the past few months. My guess is, the crap going on with my cycle did it. Fucking cycle.

I haven’t been writing here, as I didn’t feel good about writing while going through some of what the hormonal shifts have brought. It has all given me more reason to work on self-awareness. I’m focusing on what brings value to my life. That’s where my energy needs to be. It is a freeing place – to not be consumed about trying to make everyone else happy. I live in this head. I live in this body. It has taken me nearly fifty years, but I am so glad to have finally arrived at a place of putting myself first. I hope you are doing this same.

Take care my friends. I hope this weekend brings you health and happiness. -Oh, the video below….shitballs. This will kick you right in the crotch. Ed lost someone close to him a few weeks ago, due to COVID. He wrote the song in response, and it is pure emotion. Dear God, what we wouldn’t all do for visiting hours in heaven.

~Jen

This is 49

My aunt put this in my birthday package. She hit the nail on the head.

Happy Saturday! Here in the Midwest, we have this yellow orb in the sky – the snow is melting – it is glorious. It truly is amazing what a difference in the weather makes. My youngest was leaving for practice this morning and came back in to tell me, there was no wind. He said, “It’s so nice out there.” This is especially shocking, since he is his mother’s son, and not a morning person. For a teenager to initiate conversation and have enthusiasm about the weather, says a lot.

My birthday week is coming to a close. Going into it, I felt a little sadness, as being out here, is just not the same as being back west. I miss the celebrations my friends would throw for me – and my friends in general. I was pleasantly surprised when my friend and former coworker, B3, reached out and asked to take me to lunch the day before my birthday. He lives more than an hour away from the restaurant/bar next to our old workplace. We feel safe there. It was great to see him, and to have a day when things felt “normal.” There was great conversation, a couple beers, laughs, good food, and awesome music on the jukebox. Since the pandemic began, I have not gone out much. I have a real appreciation for anything that feels familiar. It was a great way to kick off my birthday weekend.

I woke up to 49 on Sunday with a messy house. I was the only one up and stopped myself before I started cleaning and thought about what would make me happies. I went for a drive to a neighboring town and picked up a breakfast sandwich and doughnuts for the family at this great bakery. I miss seeing water. The river has been frozen, so the only place I could think of was the dam. I parked, enjoyed my sandwich while listening to Stern and saw water for the first time in a long time. I was lucky enough to see two bald eagles hunting on the other side of the river. I talked to a friend for a bit and then continued to take it all in.

The house was even messier when I returned home. I took a deep breath and didn’t say anything. The youngest went to practice and the hubby and oldest went to Rockford to run errands and pick up an ice cream cake. For the first time in a long time, I had the house to myself. I put on the soft rock station, lit a candle, and cleaned. I love the immediate gratification that cleaning brings. In the peace, I then sat and opened the cards and gifts that had come in the mail. The love was overwhelming. I feel all warm inside just thinking of the outpouring of love. I then checked texts and FB. Again, all the fuzzies. A friend gives me her copy of People magazine every year when they have their 100 lb weight loss issue (She knows I love it). It had been sitting on my end table for a couple months, and in the quiet, I turned nearly every page of that magazine. (coincidentally, she is one of my favorite people and her birthday is the day before mine)

The boys picked up Red Lobster for dinner and our close friends, The “Lambos” came over. It was important to me to spend my birthday with family, and they are our family out here. It was a big treat for all of us, as they don’t get out much since the pandemic began, having a child who is high risk. They had just gotten a puppy that day and brought her as well. Seeing that puppy was the cherry on top of the sundae – that was my birthday.

Nearly every day of the week, has brought more birthday love. This really was one of my favorite birthdays. I don’t know how the fuck I am forty-nine years old…but I didn’t dwell on the number. I felt the love and am truly able to appreciate all this life has blessed me with. I plan to make this year before turning 5-0, nothing short of fantastic.

I feel grateful to have the peace of mind that comes along with aging. I stress much less about the small stuff. I am more comfortable in my own skin, than I ever though I could be. I feel good about the person I am but know I can be better – and work on this all the time. Physically, though, I feel the aches and pains of someone much older. I have not mentioned my foot pain much, because I am tired of feeling like a giant pussy when it comes to injuries. I had an x-ray done before the holidays and knew the results were not good, although really didn’t understand them. I was referred to a podiatrist, but because we ended up without insurance for January, I could not go until earlier this week. More x-rays were done and confirmed what I knew was coming – surgery. I also have this large lump on the top of my foot in between my ankle. I showed my friend the other day, and she said, “That is huge!” (yes, that’s what she said). I have not always had it so asked the Dr about it a few years ago. I was told it was normal. Um, okay. I worried as a boy I had a crush on when I was in h.s. had a lump on his ankle and it turned out to be cancerous. Thank God, our friend Ed made him get it checked out. The Dr explained my lump away, but it always made me uneasy. So, now with an actual foot Dr, I was asked what I did to my ankle. She led with this, so it freaked me out for a minute. Apparently this large lump is a bone spur from a previous injury. My guess is that’s what caused me to walk differently or whatever it is that caused the problems with my foot. The bone spur will also be removed at time of surgery. I will be off my feet for two weeks, then in a boot for six weeks. The next two months will be spent wearing a men’s shoe (because of the swelling) and p/t. Hopefully I will be good to hike after four months or so – but it is a year before total recovery.

I had a nice little pity party on Tuesday, complete with lots of food and wine. Thankfully, I put my big girl panties back on and have been back on track. My bp was shitty at the Dr’s office, and I want to be as healthy as I can be before surgery. I will know the surgery date this week, but for now, I only know it will be in March.

Outside of the foot thing, this week has continued to be great. My editor returned what is to be the last edit (her part anyway) last night. She had such great words to say about the story. I am excited to see what this will look like, after I’m done accepting/rejecting her changes, etc. I now know how my week will be spent. I don’t know what I did in this life to deserve her, but she really is an angel. I feel a true connection with her. Not only is she charging me half her normal rate (and I know she put more time in it on top of that), but a package arrived from her on my birthday. She did not know it was my birthday – how crazy is that? She sent a book for me to read from same genre and wants to know what I think of the publisher, as finding a publisher is the next step. The person I hired, spent her own money to send me a book…. She is also encouraging me to write another book. Having someone believe in you is priceless.

I should get out and about. I have promised myself to get in exercise every day before my surgery. It hurts my soul that I will not be able to do the things I want for so long, but I know it could always be worse. I am lucky to be taking care of this now, before it gets even worse and more painful.

Please go out and seize the day – you never know what tomorrow will bring.

I’ll leave you with this song I woke up to at 2 AM (in my head-have not heard it in years). It is not my song. A friend has a story to it, although I don’t know the story – only that it was a song that really got to her. There is irony to this song.

~Jenn