Hello there! I’m taking a lunch, and I stare at a computer all day – one would think I would look for any excuse to get away from the computer for a short time. I haven’t written in quite a while, though, but I’ve been thinking about it every day.
I returned home on Friday, from a vacation back home to Alaska. There was a lot of anxiety leading up to the trip as we didn’t know for sure until the week before, but Brian was unable to go. They were unable to cover all his shifts. This was a huge bummer for both of us. I really thought it would come through, while he didn’t. I had chalked it up to me being the optimist in the relationship, but he knew it likely wasn’t going to happen. This trip had been postponed from last year when we were all stuck at home. I still went because I needed to see my family and friends. Upon learning Brian couldn’t come, the bff stepped in and got a ticket. It was truly the nicest gesture. We couldn’t travel together, because of full planes, and she had to overnight in Ketchikan on her way up (it’s difficult to get to the island in one day). My friend Asha and her husband were gracious enough to host Amy during her time there. They had never met in person, and I was touched that Asha not only offered but ended up taking the best care of Amy.
For the first time in going home, I rented a place to stay. I usually stay with family, but it is crowded, and everyone is pulled in their different directions. We rented from a friend of the family, and her place is right on the water. We could not have asked for a better location. It also worked out great, because she had a couple parties upstairs, and we just had to walk downstairs to go to bed. Because of my foot, it was also the first time I rented a car. I was so grateful for it all. We made the most of every day, listening to music, exploring (including getting lost on a little hike), enjoying the view from the rental, visiting friends and family. As always in going home, there simply wasn’t enough time. There were friends I didn’t see, and family I wasn’t able to spend enough time with. The best way to sum up the trip is with Gratitude: for seeing my bff in first time in year and a half, for the peace, for seeing family and friends. I was also able to meet my great-niece Layne, who was born during the pandemic.
I have always struggled with living in Illinois. I’ve worked hard on accepting this place as my home. We are here, so I do try to make the best of it, but it is not where my heart is. My heart wants to be back in the NW or Alaska. I’ll never really fit in here, but thankfully, I still manage well with great friends and the family who adopted us. Going home, was a reminder that moving somewhere West, does need to remain our long-term goal.
I continued to eat like shit leading up the vacation. I know most people go on diets or get fit before travel, I didn’t. Each day I kept thinking it was the day I was going to start and then the trip was a couple weeks out, and I was like, well, it’s too late now and kept going. I’m not a fan of this side of me. I don’t make excuses. I acknowledge reasons when I’m eating unhealthily. My brain goes to this dead place, and I just don’t step up. It’s maddening. I know how to eat right, how to take care of myself, how to do the things that make me feel best. I was thrown off my game with the surgery and recovery, but I chose to not get back to it. I’ve only myself to blame for the weight gain – which felt especially crappy, because it was before I went home. I continued down my path of destruction with food when I returned home. It was not until Monday, that I finally being accountable for what I was putting in my body. A good friend of mine asked if I would be interested in having her sister (who works in health dept at a college), work with me. She takes on a client to keep up with her certifications. We set up our first talk, the day I came back from vacation. We talked about long term and goals for the week. I chose to start Monday. Goals for this week: stay inside WW points, one soda day, meat 3x only this week, smoothie or fresh juice 4x, no alcohol until Sunday (concert), eat out only 2x. I’m glad we did this. Without these goals, I’m sure I would’ve continued eating poorly, telling myself I’ll start next Monday. I have done well in these first few days, but I have had two diet sodas a day (including one 32 oz). Soda is still a big crutch, but I am proud of tracking my food again and being accountable to myself for my choices. I returned from vacation, so worn out. I know a lot of it has to do with my recent diet and being unhealthy. I’m looking forward to better stamina. I’m already happy about not needing Tums.
I’ve been at my new job just over a month now. There’s a great relief that comes with having life insurance kick in, etc. It sucks that many of us are at the age, that we think of these things, but it’s true. It’s nice to have a paycheck coming in again, as well. For working in an area, that I’m so burned out in, I’m happy about the choice I made with this job. I work with a truly great group of people. It’s still been easy, as I don’t have all the responsibilities yet, (God knows it’s coming) but I am happy to be working with this company – and working from home most of the time.
I wrote a new chapter for my book a while back – at the suggestion of my editor. She was right. It needed it. She even edited the new chapter. From there, I have stalled. I am in a world now, that I know nothing about (publishing, etc), as I have been through this whole process. Still, that’s an excuse. It’s me holding myself back. I should be working on getting an agent every single day. I need to try in my own way. I don’t have a resume for writing (since I’ve never had a paid writing job). In trying to get myself back on track (in every way), it is a new goal – to get it out there. I will be fifty in February. Yes, 5-0. I don’t know how that’s possible, but I need this book to be published or in works to be published by then. This trip really helped me reflect on the fact that I am not my best self, right now. This is my life. Nobody else can live it for me. We are all responsible for our own happiness. I am in a good place – don’t get me wrong. I’m appreciative for every single thing in my life and always thank God for it. I have a peace inside me that I have not known for most of my life. Still, there are things I want to accomplish, and I need to continue to work for them. This is not only about what I do for a living or finances, but also about setting us up to be where we want geographically. Our youngest still has a year of h.s. and then college out here, but it is nice to think forward for Brian and I about where we want to live. And yes, I pray, pray, pray, the boys follow. I don’t think I could live apart from them, and if they really want to stay out here, we need to set ourselves up with a home in the NW or Alaska, where we can spend extended periods of time. There’s just a lot on my mind. I want to make the most of every single minute out here, just as I do in Alaska (minus the breakfast beers, aka Mike’s hard lemonade).
Brian just walked in with an iced tea for me. I appreciate the gesture. I appreciate these things in every day. I appreciate the candle I lit before I started writing (that a friend gave me). I appreciate the time to be able to write, and I appreciate you reading. I truly do.
Have a wonderful day and week my friends,
Jenn
diaryofherjourney 