Oh boy, where does one start after not writing for – more than half a year? Don’t worry, this won’t be some recap of my everyday life. I just knew, I needed to write. First and foremost, I’m writing because it’s therapeutic to me. Also, I write for you: the person who take the time to read this, likely because you connect to what I say. I’ve always truly appreciated it.
There is so much vulnerability in writing. I’m so thankful for therapy, which has given me the gift of being vulnerable. It’s still not easy, but I’m grateful to those who have reached out because of my writing to let me know I’m not alone in so many ways. I began writing many years ago, after our move to the Midwest (boooooo!), and I’ve always published the link to my social media. I’ve decided to no longer do this. It saddens me in a way, as I’ve developed closer relationships with existing friends and family through writing, but it takes away some of the freedom I’d like in talking about my life. Also, to be completely truthful (if took a long time to admit this to myself), but I think I published to my social media, to try and be seen or recognized in ways I haven’t felt in my life. My writing shouldn’t be about that. It’s a version of taking an antidepressant by getting things out there. In giving my soul to those I know, it also creates anxiety – sometimes I’d need to drink to find the courage to write, and almost always would have to drink after. I’d drink because I’d use writing as my voice to speak to those, I didn’t have the courage to say the words to or I’d worry those who didn’t deserve to read my words, would have access to my life. Here I am, onto a new chapter and unsure if anyone will see these words, but I am okay with that. It’s a calling.
I’m settled into my recliner, with my foot wrapped. I had surgery a couple of weeks ago on foot and big toe. My joints (except top) in my big toe were fused and my foot is fused as to not flex. This surgery came thirteen months after the last surgery on this foot for a bunion and large bone spur on my ankle. This one came after months of swelling and pain and finding that my big toe was riddled with arthritis which caused me to walk on the outside of my foot. There was no arthritis in the x-rays from a year ago, so this is highly unusual. It’s likely caused by my autoimmune issues. I’ve got another 4-6 of non-weight bearing and on this darn knee scooter. I’m not a fan and starting to go a little crazy. I went into this surgery, knowing that I’ve dealt with depression after each surgery and have approached this one differently in hoping to stave off the depression. I’ve gotten out of the house more and done more than I should. Physically I feel the overdoing of everything. Mentally, I’m grateful to be doing so well. I’ve just come out of a significant depression and weight gain.
Since becoming perimenopausal, I’ve tried different antidepressants with varying degrees of success and side effects. I’ve come to accept, at least while I’m dealing with menopause, that I need to be medicated. Thankfully, I’m on one now that has really helped in these last few months. If you’re going through the stage where you aren’t finding one that works, I understand your frustrations. I would go periods without, as I couldn’t take it anymore. Once you find the right one, though, it is life changing. I’ve had to let go of the stigma of thinking I’m crazy or broken and accept that I’m a human that struggles and accept the help of medication.
2022 is a year of change. Some of the changes, are intentional, while some I have no control over. I only know that I will work hard to make the best of some of these situations, while still being human and going through grief and having doubts about myself. It is scary to be fifty years old and have no idea what the future holds in so many ways. If you’ve stumbled across this blog, I hope you’ll stay with it and hopefully we can figure things out together. I always love hearing from you.
Wishing you a happy Sunday from the concessions stand at the Byron swim meet. Caleb has been swimming for many years, but I still won’t volunteer for anything swimming related. I just don’t know enough about the sport, so I take the easiest volunteer opportunities. The state of Illinois opened up yesterday (in regard to COVID rules), but this meet does not allow spectators. This is a club meet, and I’m guessing the school doesn’t have their new rules in place yet, which is understandable. So, this will be the slowest concessions ever, open to the swimmers and coaches. I sit here next to the loud hum of the Coca Cola fridge, grateful for the time to write. If I were home, I would be, well…actually probably still in bed – thinking of all the things I need to do, while not doing them. And if I were home, I would not have introduced myself to one of the parents, who looked at me like I was an idiot and said I know. I asked who he was and yeah, he’s been here all these years, too. I’ll always be awkward AF.
This week was crazy, as it was for you too, I’m sure. We all live in our different definitions of crazy, depending on our current frenzies. I started my new job on Monday. I had gotten up earlier the week before, in preparation for a new schedule. In not working for the past seven months, and recovering from surgery, I had slept hardest in the mornings. It has been an adjustment going back to early mornings. The nightmares were awful. I’ve still been struggling with them, but this week was complete with something I don’t think I would see in the worst of horror films (and I don’t watch horror movies). I don’t know where this shit comes from. I do have a friend who does dream analysis, so I should talk to her – although these nightmares may scare her off. I’m guessing the disruption in routine, brought the nightmares to a new level.
I had been careful in deciding where to work. I went into the first day, praying I had made the right decision, also still grappling with deciding to work now and not until after summer or even later. I’m still not sure about the summer part as returning to work was really tough on my foot and ankle, but I’m grateful to think I chose the right job. We have a small department, with just four of us, and another coming on board soon. My boss is great. She reminds me of someone who could have grown up on the island. She is incredibly smart, and I look forward to learning a lot from her. I also work with a friend and former colleague, and it’s great to be working with her again. She has been the biggest help to me this week.
The first day was completely nuts as I had physical therapy after work, and my foot and ankle swelled up the most I had seen. P/T kicked my ass in the best of ways, but I went to leave and my car wouldn’t start. My friend’s husband was able to jump it, which was a huge relief. I kept it running while I took care of my friend’s dogs and cat (it’s Ryne’s job, but he was working), and from there, another friend picked me up from the auto shop. It was a long, exhausting day, but felt good to contribute to our household finances again.
The next day, the foot and ankle swelled badly again. The ankle is actually the most painful area and reacts to swelling the most. Our boss took the team for dinner and drinks after work. I did have to run to the friend’s house and take care of animals and water their garden/flowers in between, though. I showed up, sticky and ripe. It was a great way to get to know everyone so early in the game, though. It was all good, except for when the sole man in our group, made a homophobic comment. I was stunned and didn’t say anything in the moment. He didn’t get the laughs he was looking for and repeated himself, and this Mama Bear, called him out. Yes, day two of my new job, I let this guy have it. I am not a confrontational person, but I would do the same thing again.
The days continued to be long with work, p/t, taking care of the animals when needed. We were short a car, as Brian was working in Chicago, so it was tough juggling with the boys – who each have jobs and Cal has swim.
When Friday night rolled around, I was spent, but Brian and I had date night planned. We hadn’t seen each other all week and were both looking forward to some time together. It was a great night, complete with the foreplay of a trip to Costco. If you love Costco, you know that high I’m talking about. It makes my panties wet just thinking about it – a new office chair, wine, snacks, etc.
Yesterday was also an early morning, leaving the house at 6:45. I started going back to in-person WW last week. I had gained eleven pounds since surgery, and after this week, can add an additional 1.6. Making that 35-minute drive, knowing I’ve gained, is not fun. Just making the commitment to go back to the meetings, is a step in the right direction, though. It is helpful to be around people with the same addictions. I don’t recognize most of the faces though, and instead of our nice WW location, we are now in a basement conference room of an old Holiday Inn. Just like with a lot of things, even though we are getting back to “normal,” it is forever changed. It is also wonderful to be back to doing this with my good friend Jan. We had a nice walk after and then of course, and most importantly, we went to breakfast. Diets start on Monday right?….. No regrets there, I had one of those fluffy omelets. I want to repeat the wet panties comment, but you might be turned off by that, so I won’t.
Cal decided to started swimming again a couple of weeks ago. Oh wow, just noticed the concession stand schedule hanging on the wall, from Feb 2020, when the world stopped. Stomach just dropped. Anyway, we are proud of his decision to do this. He knows himself well enough to realize he needs to be busy. He does work, but it’s not a lot of hours. He swam well yesterday, considering he hadn’t been in the water in a few months.
I ended up staying home last night. I had plans, but in the end, staying home was what I needed. I had not been in an empty home in quite a while. I cleaned and did laundry. I had a glass of wine and watched A Quiet Place. Yes, just one glass. I haven’t drank much in these past months, even drinking just once over three months at one point. It feels good to have a healthier relationship with alcohol. It was wonderful to wake up to a clean house and not wine grogginess.
I’ve been focusing on good mental health a lot lately. Except for when I’m in the throws of PMS, I have been quite good. I do feel disconnected from some, but I think that’s fairly common as we come out of this pandemic. I spoke to a good friend about it and she’s feeling it, too. That’s the thing about great friendships, you talk through the hard things. In one way, I look forward to working again: to contribute financially to the family and contribute to a team. In others ways, I’m concerned about giving too much to my job. Coming out of the job I last had, this is understandable. I want to keep a lot of focus on the things that make me happiest. It is the simple things for me. Even is the hot weather, I’ve been able to keep my hanging baskets alive, as well as the new inside plant. I get joy out of watering them in the mornings. I am happy making food for the hummingbirds and changing it out every few days. I loved being home with Jesse, while I was off work. I mostly work from home with this new job. I was in the office most of this week, but I likely won’t be back in again until August. Our department is work from home, which was a big draw to the company for me. I am walking better this week. The limp is getting better, and I’m enjoying being able to get around more. I broke 10,000 steps a couple of time this week. Working through the pain, does make me happy. I am ahead of schedule for healing and am really proud of this. I keep an eye on the simple things, while focusing on relationships with friends and family. I feel good about life. I am me, and I have my moments. In the stillness of being home alone last night, there was a sad moment, where the things I push aside caught up to me – but it was short lived. It was nice to be able to get up, dust it off, and keep up with the positive energy.
This week has been heavy with prayers, and I do ask that you pray for my friend’s son, who has been hospitalized all week. He is out of the ICU and am hopeful he’ll be able to go home soon. Please pray for his continued health. Also, please pray for a negative biopsy for someone I love dearly. The results will be here in the next couple of days. It has weighed heavily on me. Thank you.
June is Pride Month. With this, I will leave you one of my favorite Brandi Carlile songs. I get heavily invested in lyrics and often try to get inside the mind of the songwriter. I always wondered who this song was about, and her autobiography was great in that at the end of each chapter, she would have song lyrics, and you could tie the story to the song. I love the line, and when did you stop missing me? We have all had relationships end or change. I’m grateful that I’ve been spared a lot of this in my life. Growing up and staying in the lives of my childhood friends, but in the instances it has happened, it has been hard for me. I do care and love deeply for the people in my life. Losing a relationship sucks. This song reminds me of that, but it also about being okay in life. She wrote this about her best friend from high school. They were estranged for many years, but as she wrote, they did later reconnect and are as close as ever. The lyrics are great, and I hope you enjoy it and are Happy.
I’ve rambled a lot with this post, but there has been a lot on my mind. I’ve just finished it on the break in Cal’s swim meet. It has been a busy day but am glad to have been able to write. It is good for my mind and soul.
Happy Hump Day! I have known and used the phrase Hump Day since I was a kid. My stepdad was in radio and he made a big deal of Hump Day every Wednesday over the airwaves. I can still hear him. For most of life that is what I have thought about until recent years when those annoying commercials came out with the camels. My husband does it in that camel voice every Wednesday. It makes the boys crazy but I like seeing my husband get giddy, like a kid. Mostly, though, I think about a friend who was telling another friend and I how she and her husband rarely have sex. She wanted to fix that, and I told her she should start using Hump Day to get it on and make it a standing date. I cannot remember their path, but their relationship did improve. When they got pregnant, my other friend said, Well, it must have happened on a Wednesday.
I am now three days into a renewed energy toward weight loss. I have gained and lost weight my entire life. Most of it just gaining. In recent years, I lost a total of approximately 140 pounds. I know for sure it was 120 but when my weight got that high – I refused to weigh myself again and likely put on another 20 after that. I have put 76 pounds of that lost weight back on. That was hard to say. I do not think I had admitted that to anyone (although, I am sure they could tell by looking at me). Since then, I have lost 26 pounds and have fifty pounds to get to my goal weight.
I know the reasons I gained the weight back. We all have our own journeys that have led us to different types of addictions. I could not control getting sick. I had no idea that my body was depleting potassium due to a blood pressure prescription. I knew I was sick but when the brain is not functioning properly, one does not think clearly. This happened for months before I ended up nearly dying. When I was sick, I damaged my body. Pounding the hell out of it while working out and trying to get my mental health better but could not feel my body. I did not know this, because again, my brain was not functioning properly. This led to the plate in my neck and the reason I am told I need back surgery. I am not rehashing things a lot of my regular readers know for any other reason to say – I could not stop this. I did not know what was happening. I could, however, have reacted to my circumstances differently. How I reacted, caused the weight gain. How I have reacted to things my whole life, has caused the weight gain. Nearly dying didn’t make me gain the weight – how I responded to it, did.
It sucks being accountable for our mistakes. I just chuckled out loud to myself as I have made many mistakes in my time on earth. My cousin once told me, we cannot control a lot in our life, but we can control what we eat. She is spot on. If life feels out of control, we should take control where we can. This is what helps to keep us sane.
I feel this in my bones….I will lose this fifty pounds. I will live a healthy life. The fire is here. I have accountability by exposing myself to anyone who stumbles upon this blog.
I am only on day 3 of this new and improved journey but I feel great (outside of a body that screams at me most of the day). I will be 49 in a matter of weeks. I really do not know how in the fuck that happened. My brain thinks I am 29 and I will continue listening to her. My journey will be slow and I am okay with that. I have grown a lot in this way in these last years. My eye is on the prize. I will get there one pound at a time.
I hope you continue to follow along this journey. During this, I hope you are inspired to create your own goals.
It might be hard to put your faith in me. I have already gained, gained, gained, lost, gained, losing. I am also someone who was at Costco yesterday and had to wear my glasses on top of my head as they kept fogging up. I had to use the restroom (which completely freaked me out) and was careful to avoid touching all I could. I went back out and continued to shop. I was all the way across the building when I realized my glasses were not on top of my head. I panicked and power walked back to the bathroom in fear, picturing them on the floor of a public bathroom. I panicked even more when they were not there. I began to retrace my steps, before realizing, my glasses were on my face.
I tell you this story, so you know, without a doubt – if I can take this journey toward better health- so can you.
Days 2,3 over 10k steps each day, continued plank challenge, did 5 girl pushups today, did (3) sets of 15 arm workouts with 3-pound weights. I dipped into my extra WW points yesterday but am eating well. Past versions of myself would be too embarrassed to tell where I am at – but this version is nothing but proud.
I hope you can look back at your days and be proud, too.
diaryofherjourney 