Tag Archives: pms

Mind over body. Body over mindfucks.

Happy Saturday! I hope you are in the midst of some Springtime weather. Last week we had a snowstorm, and I think everyone was pulling their hair out, including the birds who were visibly saying – what the fuck?! We’ve had some spring showers, but living out here, I appreciate the sound of rain. It rains so much less here than the NW or Alaska.

The change in weather has allowed me to be active outdoors again. When I found out my surgery date (April 15), I had just over thirty days, and I vowed to make the most of every day until surgery. Thankfully, I’ve been able to do it all outdoors. The weather doesn’t need to be perfect for me to enjoy hiking, forest preserves or walking trails: it just needs to be free of too much ice. My body fights me in different ways every day, but thankfully my determination and sense of appreciation for this body, are stronger than the pain. I know it won’t be this way every day, but I’m grateful with everything going on, I’m able to keep going. If it starts to get bad while I’m out, I try to focus on the birds and the trees, the air, and everything that makes this world great. So far, it’s working.

Most of the time, it’s me and my dog Jesse. A couple/few times a week, friends or Brian are able to join. It was on a hike with a friend recently, that we were able to get up close and personal with an owl. I had never been so close to one. It just turned its head and stared at us for several moments before flying off. Breathtaking.

I’m continuing to lose weight. It isn’t happening as quickly as I’d like, but I am in the throws of some nasty hormonal shit. I celebrate each loss. I have been more dedicated this past couple of weeks than have in quite a while. With 2021, there have been weight losses, followed by gains, on and on, but I am happy with where I am right now. I have really put a lot into my food addiction lately and realizing just how strong it is. It is real. Every meal, I must choose me and my health, no matter how down I might be with the hormones. I was either in in PMS or bleeding the entire month of February. I just finished cramping a couple of days ago after eight straight days, complete with swollen boobs, and the period did not come. I’m not mad about not bleeding. It’s just weird shit. The hormones can bring me way down. Earlier this week, there were tears with no real reason. There have been days I have not wanted to get out of bed. Each morning, I choose me, and get my ass going – even when it feels like there is no purpose to any of it. I’m glad I can recognize the hormonals stuff. It makes me feel less crazy.

The hormones have jacked up my sleep. I don’t have obsessive thinking in the way I used to, but while I am awake at night, I think a lot about food. I knew I was going to be getting Thai food from my favorite place yesterday, and I probably spend an hour thinking through if I was going to get a lunch portion (which I break into 1 ½ meals) or the dinner size (nearly 3). It’s not as if I don’t ever get to eat here. A friend and I have a standing Thai date. We get takeout from this restaurant, nearly every week. No matter what meal or snack, I have probably thought about it repeatedly, wanting something else, before settling on what’s best for me. I am glad I make the right choices most of the time. Sometimes that choice, is something that isn’t healthy. Last week, I hiked with friends. We grabbed breakfast and doughnuts to bring to my house. I thoughtfully figured out my breakfast and even ate a filled Long John doughnut. Let me tell you, I mouth fucked that doughnut. It was the best thing ever. I didn’t feel guilty for eating it. I accounted for it. I adjusted my day around it. One of the greatest rewards of watching what you’re eating, is getting to enjoy food. Had I not been counting points and off in denial land, I likely would have eaten two or three (maybe four) that day, and not really tasted any of them.

Through the ups and downs of life, there have been some real highs. I spoke to my editor last week, and she had the greatest things to say about my book. It has taken a long time to get to this point, but it is close to ready. She said she sees this book being a hit in book clubs. This editor had told me many times before it wasn’t ready. She has given me so much guidance. I’ve stayed with it, so to hear such positive things, feels really good. She is not blowing smoke up my ass. She spent and hour and a half with me (at no charge) just talking about the story and how to get it out there. I am also…..finally happy with it. It feels good to read it. The flow is there. Who knew it would take so much work just to get a good flow? I’ve learned so much in this process. No matter what happens with it: I am proud of my efforts and the story.

I had a big low on Monday, when I found out I had psoriasis. I was on a regular dermatologist appointment, when she pointed it out and asked questions. It is on the bottom of one foot now but has been on both. I thought it was from hiking with moisture in the socks. Look, I said “moisture,” not “moist.” I know a lot of us hate that word. Moist. Anyway, it was a knockdown punch. It is an autoimmune thing, and of course, that would make anyone stop and take a breath. I was also pissed. The foot thing came out of left field and now this. I let it get to me for a few days, but I am treating the psoriasis now and it seems to be responding. I hate that I have something that never really goes away, but it is mild. At least I know about it and will just continue on with my journey. I can’t do much more than that, so I’m not going to lose sleep over it. Oh, but apparently it is usually brought on by illness. I only noticed it in the past few months. My guess is, the crap going on with my cycle did it. Fucking cycle.

I haven’t been writing here, as I didn’t feel good about writing while going through some of what the hormonal shifts have brought. It has all given me more reason to work on self-awareness. I’m focusing on what brings value to my life. That’s where my energy needs to be. It is a freeing place – to not be consumed about trying to make everyone else happy. I live in this head. I live in this body. It has taken me nearly fifty years, but I am so glad to have finally arrived at a place of putting myself first. I hope you are doing this same.

Take care my friends. I hope this weekend brings you health and happiness. -Oh, the video below….shitballs. This will kick you right in the crotch. Ed lost someone close to him a few weeks ago, due to COVID. He wrote the song in response, and it is pure emotion. Dear God, what we wouldn’t all do for visiting hours in heaven.

~Jen

Small Victories are Life Saving

Happy Friday! We are still frozen solid out here in the Midwest. Snow is lightly falling. A friend is texting me now, about his upcoming west coast trip to Palm Springs, Phoenix and Vegas. Big sigh. I miss traveling. I miss my friends. I miss the sun.

My phone got fried on Monday. I did not get a new phone until last night and switched service, so I can’t see any of my messages from the week. It was quite stressful, since Jim had his surgery on Monday. Thankfully, I was able to connect with his wife on messenger on my laptop for updates. The surgery was supposed to be no more than four hours but ended up at 6 ½. He had an internal bleed, but thankfully they were able to get it under control. They could not get all the cancer out and will hit the rest with radiation. The following night he threw a blood clot near his heart. They put in a mesh screen yesterday. The poor guy has really been through it. I hate that he is going through this, but I’m so glad he does have good care – and a deep faith.

Not having a phone was also nerve wracking as I have a job I’ve been interviewing for. I have gone through all three interviews. I am actually excited about this opportunity so am really hoping this works out. Being home has been nice, but I need to feel like I’m contributing more to our finances. Brian is still supportive of me being home, but I do the bills etc. Even though we planned for this, the thought of taking money from the savings we set aside – kills me.

I am grateful for the time I’ve had. My editor is now doing what she says is the last edit on the book. There will be small things to tweak after this, but we are in the home stretch. It will still be a journey to see if can find a publisher, but if that doesn’t work out – I can self-publish. I am excited about the story. Although, I recently watched FireFly Lane, and there are a few similarities – not with the story – but with events. Doh.

I watched an interview with Coach P yesterday. I had never heard of her, but she was promoting her book on living with bipolar disorder. She said, “stories over stigma.” While I don’t think I am bipolar, I certainly deal with depression issues. These past couple of weeks have been quite rough. I started feeling what I know to be depressive feelings associated with my hormones. Unfortunately, I know those feelings well. I thought it was too early, but the female body doesn’t really give a shit about how a cycle should work. I felt lousy for about 8 or 9 days before I started a light cycle. I had extensive anxiety – like the kind from the early months of the pandemic. I have eaten everything in sight. For the second month in a row, I went 3 weeks in between cycles starting…. For the past 9 days, I have been bleeding. It was light until two days ago and now it is awful. To the point, where I would not want to go in public. I was awake and active at 4:30 this morning but thank God, for not working and being able to go back to sleep later and slept a full two hours. It was much needed.

With the last blog, I wrote about Red, Red, Wine starting when I started writing. I took it as a sign and had some wine that night. I know better. My hormones have been crazy. The time before when I drank, I felt all the feels. The same thing happened Sunday. I drank too much – a full bottle. I drank over several hours, with glasses of water – but being on an antidepressant does not mix well with that much wine. I will work hard to not let that happen again. It takes me to super sad places and then still don’t feel right the next day.

The depression of the last two or three weeks has led me to not want to get out of bed. I am proud of the fact that I make myself get up and do chores. I have done things that normally make me feel good. I am not a big tv binger but binged Bridgerton and FireFly Lane. I loved both of them. I also read, “Burn the Place.” A friend had just finished it and said she’d heard the author on a podcast. As with any show or book, I like to go into it without knowing anything it’s about. When it arrived, I was like…shit…I would have never read this. It’s an autobiography about a woman I have never heard of, but it was simply wonderful. It is about her life growing up, her fight with her sexuality, addiction, and her success as a chef – opening restaurants. She didn’t hold back. She told her truths, even when it made her look terrible. I also watched a movie called, I Can Only Imagine. I thought it was about something else and recorded wrong movie. I was having a particular bad night, and I’m so glad I watched this. It’s the life story of the lead singer from the band, Mercy Me (Christian group). I had never heard of them, but it was truly inspiring. I thought I was in bed for the night, but I paused it 45 minutes in and made myself clean my bathroom. I felt so good the next morning that it had been done. The movie does make you realize how good we all have it – and how we are capable of anything. There was also a lot of references to Amy Grant in the movie. I don’t think anyone knows this, but when I was younger, I listened to her cassettes over and over. This was back when she was a Christian singer, before had gone mainstream. I adore her. Seeing her in the movie, made me like her even more. She is a wonderful person.

Through this time, I have not gotten my steps on most days. I have not tracked my food. There were a few days when I ate so much, my stomach hurt, and then I ate some more. I have not been hard on myself, even though, I know I now have more weight to lose than I did two weeks ago. Last week I had gained 2.5 pounds. This week, I did not get on the scale. Many will not be able to relate, but I am proud of myself through this time. I got out of bed. I cleaned. I cooked. I was present for the family. I still did my weekly “Thai date” with my friend. I’ve made myself do a lot of things, when I just want to pull the covers over my head.

I had planned for going into 4-9 much differently. I thought I would be down to the next next 10 in weight. I had been feeling so great. I won’t go into the birthday at a good weight, but I am feeling better. It’s funny, physically my cycle is life ruining, but mentally, my hormones are now getting better. I will take it. There is a package from my auntie and a card from my dad, sitting on my table. A friend just text to see how the birthday girl is doing. She counts down for me every year. Sunday will be a great day. I am looking forward to my birthday.

I hope you’ve enjoyed reading the rantings of an overweight older woman, who still gets awful periods, eats and drinks too much, Amy Grant loving, swears like a sailor and can’t figure out how to use an iPhone chick. I appreciate you being here through this. I hope the next post will be about much more positive things.

~Jenn

Shake It Off – Week 1 results

Happy Monday to you! Also known to many of us as the dreaded weigh-in day. I am also in a weight loss “competition” that weighs in on Wednesdays. I joined, not because I thought I could win, but for the comradery of it. I only know two people in the group, but most are local, so I am hoping to get to know more people by the end of it. The competition is app based. It is so easy. I wish I would have known about this when I was doing weigh-ins for people.

I had really been off for several days. I could not shake it. You could probably tell by my morose post yesterday. It finally dawned on me last night, that it was PMS. Duh. It is early, so I was not expecting it. Thought it was all fallout from trying to wean off the antidepressant. I woke up this morning to my cycle – and a clearer, happier headspace.

With this development, I was nervous to step on the scale. However, my hard work was rewarded with a 2 ½ pound loss. That is nearly 5 pounds in two weeks. I am really happy with this. We do not always see the results we think we should, so I will gladly take this. I searched 2.5 weight loss images and only found the shaker weight. I have seen cool images of what weight loss looks like. If you know of what site that’s on, please let me know. I remember being on a girls trip to Vegas and this bar we were in had the shaker commercial running the whole time on their tv’s as to simulate hand jobs. In other words, I lost a hand job this week.

Things that have gone well: I have continued to drink a lot of water. I have started drinking mostly tepid water. I have heard for a long time that it is better for you because and it makes sense to me – especially if you are eating and drinking water – cold water would harden whatever fat you might be eating. I drink about 20+ ounces each morning before I eat or drink anything. That is also supposed to be good to get things moving. I have done a lot of walking. I have been accountable for what I have been eating. It really is that simple – the execution anyway – we know there is a million mind fucks in between.

Every day is a good day but am especially looking forward to today. A friend is driving out to visit. We are going on a walk (happy she wants to join me in the cold) and grabbing some lunch. With the pandemic, I have not had a lot of in person social time. She had wanted to meet earlier last week, but I knew she had been to a party and had to put it off. I get nervous about that damn virus – with good reason. Poor Cal is suffering a lot of the aftereffects that many go through with COVID. It breaks my heart. Later today Brian is returning from a four-day trip. He has the antibodies now, so I am glad he was able to spend time with friends before starting his new job next Monday. Ryne was also house/dog sitting during this time, so Caleb and I got to spend some quality time together while they were both out.

I hope you all have a wonderful day today as well.

Below is a photo of my breakfast. I normally do a smoothie or sometimes fresh juice, but this was easiest in my current condition. (dramatic much?) I often do this as a snack. It is non-fat, plain Greek yogurt with frozen blueberries. I do this with different types of fruit – a Cutie being my favorite lately. It is 0 point on Blue WW. It is taste great and is guilt free. Winning.

~Jenn