Oh boy, where does one start after not writing for – more than half a year? Don’t worry, this won’t be some recap of my everyday life. I just knew, I needed to write. First and foremost, I’m writing because it’s therapeutic to me. Also, I write for you: the person who take the time to read this, likely because you connect to what I say. I’ve always truly appreciated it.
There is so much vulnerability in writing. I’m so thankful for therapy, which has given me the gift of being vulnerable. It’s still not easy, but I’m grateful to those who have reached out because of my writing to let me know I’m not alone in so many ways. I began writing many years ago, after our move to the Midwest (boooooo!), and I’ve always published the link to my social media. I’ve decided to no longer do this. It saddens me in a way, as I’ve developed closer relationships with existing friends and family through writing, but it takes away some of the freedom I’d like in talking about my life. Also, to be completely truthful (if took a long time to admit this to myself), but I think I published to my social media, to try and be seen or recognized in ways I haven’t felt in my life. My writing shouldn’t be about that. It’s a version of taking an antidepressant by getting things out there. In giving my soul to those I know, it also creates anxiety – sometimes I’d need to drink to find the courage to write, and almost always would have to drink after. I’d drink because I’d use writing as my voice to speak to those, I didn’t have the courage to say the words to or I’d worry those who didn’t deserve to read my words, would have access to my life. Here I am, onto a new chapter and unsure if anyone will see these words, but I am okay with that. It’s a calling.
I’m settled into my recliner, with my foot wrapped. I had surgery a couple of weeks ago on foot and big toe. My joints (except top) in my big toe were fused and my foot is fused as to not flex. This surgery came thirteen months after the last surgery on this foot for a bunion and large bone spur on my ankle. This one came after months of swelling and pain and finding that my big toe was riddled with arthritis which caused me to walk on the outside of my foot. There was no arthritis in the x-rays from a year ago, so this is highly unusual. It’s likely caused by my autoimmune issues. I’ve got another 4-6 of non-weight bearing and on this darn knee scooter. I’m not a fan and starting to go a little crazy. I went into this surgery, knowing that I’ve dealt with depression after each surgery and have approached this one differently in hoping to stave off the depression. I’ve gotten out of the house more and done more than I should. Physically I feel the overdoing of everything. Mentally, I’m grateful to be doing so well. I’ve just come out of a significant depression and weight gain.
Since becoming perimenopausal, I’ve tried different antidepressants with varying degrees of success and side effects. I’ve come to accept, at least while I’m dealing with menopause, that I need to be medicated. Thankfully, I’m on one now that has really helped in these last few months. If you’re going through the stage where you aren’t finding one that works, I understand your frustrations. I would go periods without, as I couldn’t take it anymore. Once you find the right one, though, it is life changing. I’ve had to let go of the stigma of thinking I’m crazy or broken and accept that I’m a human that struggles and accept the help of medication.
2022 is a year of change. Some of the changes, are intentional, while some I have no control over. I only know that I will work hard to make the best of some of these situations, while still being human and going through grief and having doubts about myself. It is scary to be fifty years old and have no idea what the future holds in so many ways. If you’ve stumbled across this blog, I hope you’ll stay with it and hopefully we can figure things out together. I always love hearing from you.
Good morning! It’s Friday, and I have the day off. We are going on a college visit with Caleb. He’s already been to two, but Brian took him to those. His schedule has been more flexible than mine. I didn’t want to miss out on this last visit, though. I missed Ryne’s as Brian always had some weekdays off. So, I’m stoked to go on this one but sad I missed the others at the same time.
I haven’t been writing lately. I’ve been in processing mode. I was tired of not feeling right and sought out a naturopath. Traditional medicine wanted to put me on more meds. I hate taking medications. In fact, about the same time, is when I went off my antidepressant. My hormones have been leveling through menopause, and although I still suffer at times, I felt the nightmares and night sweats were likely caused by the antidepressant itself. After being on it 13 months, I went off. The timing was good or bad, I guess, depending how you look at it. I am thrilled to be off it, though, as nightmares are gone and night sweat much better.
For quite a while, I thought I had carpel tunnel. I thought it was weird that it would come and go. Then, I experienced some excruciating pain in my wrists – again coming and going. It wasn’t until I had some experiences when it felt like every joint in my body was hurting, and my pinkies looked broken, that I began to strongly suspect rheumatoid arthritis. The mere thought of this, scared the fuck out of me. Two people I’m close with have it, and it can be awful shit. I immediately began to clean up my diet even more. I scheduled an appointment with the naturopath and my primary to get a referral to the rheumatology department.
Caleb was in the care of a naturopath when he was young (until we moved to IL and we were in the middle of nowhere). This Dr. made the biggest change in Caleb’s wellbeing. We saw changes in his Autism behaviors and got his gut cleaned up. I’ll always be grateful to Dr. Chapman for what she did for him. I truly believe, because he was so young, she changed the course of his life. I’ve never seen one for myself. I googled and found one about 35 minutes from my house (we are at least closer to civilization in this town). She had great reviews and I made the leap. I wanted answers, not Band-Aids, not drugs. We met for an initial consultation and then another appointment where I gave blood for labs. While giving my blood, my blood just stopped flowing. I’ve never had that happen. She tried the other arm nothing – then both hands, nothing. She said, “We sometimes see this with autoimmune diseases.” I knew then: I was fucked. My naturopath then went on a six-week vacation (to Alaska of all places 😊 So, I had to be patient with the results. While she was gone, my appointment for the referral came up. I forgot that I had chosen to share info between the naturopath and my primary, and at that time, she had some of the results. It was there that I learned I have the RA marker and my RA numbers were high. I also found out my thyroid numbers were crazy as well as my inflammation levels. Crap.
When my naturopath came back from vacation, the other shoe dropped. I learned of other labs with even more autoimmune crud. The initial news of the RA labs, hit me hard. Going through the labs, one by one, damn near knocked me out. I’ve never been a Why Me person. It has always bugged me when people go to that place – but with this, I thought – What the fuck? Everything I’ve been through in the past few years, physically. I don’t get it. Yes, I’m fat, but not all fat people have these surgeries and other shit. I take lots of supplements. I’m active. I do a lot of good things. Why? Not proud, but just what I went through. I only told a couple people in the aftermath, and then after short bit opened up to a few more. When going through big things, you know most people won’t get it. We generally only truly get it when we’ve experienced the same thing. I needed the people I confided in – to get it. I knew my life would never be the same, and I wanted the love and support one would deserve in the moment.Mostly, I did get what I was looking for. I will never forget those people for loving me when I felt so defeated.
The naturopath recommended doing the Whole30 eating plan. At this point, I had already made major eating changes in past 6 weeks or so. When first making the big changes to my diet, there was no change in the scale. It took me a few weeks for the weight to slowly start coming off. The thyroid stuff explained that. Prior to making big changes in my diet, I had been putting weight on super easily and thought, man menopause really fucks up one’s metabolism. It was nice to actually have a concrete reason, in the thyroid. The Whole30 plan is meat heavy. In an oversimplified nutshell: it’s meat, heavy vegetables (potatoes are allowed), and fruits. Grains, beans, dairy, sugar, corn, sugar substitutes, preservatives, baked items, any dessert (even with Whole30 approved foods) are not on the plan. If you slip, you start over. This plan doesn’t fuck around. I’m not one that is big on meat, even going years only allowing for seafood and eggs. It has been a long time since then, but even now – especially since refocusing my eating habits at the end of July or so – I hadn’t eaten much meat. In fact, my cholesterol numbers are outstanding. So, to go on a diet that depends on meat, was a real mind fuck. I chose to trust in the naturopath and do it. It is supposed to help inflammation and is a gut reset. All good things when tackling autoimmune issues.
Brian wanted to support me and agreed to do the plan with me. The bff doesn’t eat meat, so she found a strict vegan plan (SOS) to follow (the strictest diet she says she’s ever done) in order to be supportive and my sister Brooke went more whole foods based when I started as well. I’m grateful for the support in this, and it is fun to trade photos of meals with Amy and Brooker as we are in our respective plans.
Our last day of the Whole30 is Tuesday. From there, we go on a ten-day reintroduction period. The intro time is designed to help you recognize foods that upset your gut and make you feel shitty (mentally and physically). This plan has been an eye opener for both Brian and me. Because the plan allows for absolutely no sugar or sugar subs, you really need to read labels. I was shocked to find corn syrup as the second ingredient in my fave taco sauce, sugar in bacon, corn starch and sugar in lunch meats, blah, blah. Essentially you really need to check processed meats. There are a couple of compliant bacon and sausage manufacturers out there, but most stores don’t carry and it’s crazy expensive. Bacon is only meant to be an accompaniment to a meal (like crumbles in salad), not be the main meat in a meal. I like this about this plan. It makes you investigate all your meat, and prefers you eat organic.
In addition to learning that most things with a label are not compliant, I’ve also confirmed that red meat does not agree with me. This is great information moving forward, as red meat is inflammatory.
The plan does not allow for alcohol. Not drinking for a month, has been good. I drank less in recent months anyway, but going a month made me focus on why I drink. I crave it most when anxious or feeling down. That’s exactly when I shouldn’t drink. In all honesty, a friend offered free concert tickets last night, and I didn’t take them – because I knew it would be hard to be at a show without drinks before or during… So, alcohol is definitely a social thing for me, too.
The achiness in my hands and feet has gotten better a couple weeks in, but soon it returned. I’m sure it’s because it’s getting colder. I don’t know if they were feeling better because of the plan or all the supplements I’m on. Overall, I feel better, though. I had been incredibly fatigued for months – even hard to keep eyes open when driving. The fatigue is getting better. Again, not sure if plan or supplement related or both. I’m also sleeping better. Brian, however, had immediate results with this plan. He took two prescription meds a day for heartburn. Within one week, he dropped one and shortly after, dropped the other. He had also been dealing with a significant intestinal issue, and because of this plan, was able to pinpoint it to being ibuprofen related. He has bitched and moaned through this entire plan. Really. It’s been kinda unbearable. But he is happy to have done it, and I’m so glad his health improved so quickly. He plans to move forward with lifelong changes after this experience.
I, too, will take a lot of what I’ve learned into the future. The plan was easier for me, than it was Brian as I had already cut out soda, cut down on alcohol, and gone more whole foods before starting Whole30. Still, this plan taught me, I wasn’t doing near as well as I thought I was. Moving forward, I plan to follow a lot of the fundamentals, except for meat. If my gut does well with the reintroduction of beans, including tofu and rice, I’d plan to move forward being more plant based. In addition to the reintroduction phase, I’m expecting results from a food sensitivity test I’d done with the naturopath any day. I need to be sure of what my body doesn’t react well to, as I’ve gotta get rid of this inflammation. Oh, and this plan has taught me to love sweet potatoes. I never liked them before. They are now, my go-to food.
Formal diagnosis take time and aren’t easy with autoimmune stuff. The naturopath and my primary were quick to diagnose, but it will be a process through the rheumatologist and there are still things we have to put names to. We know my body is at war with itself and my thyroid appears to be a victim of what’s going on. We don’t know all that’s causing it. The rheumatologist did baseline x-rays, prescribed meds (which I’ve yet to take) and will follow up in three months. The rheumatologist talked about how autoimmune stuff presents differently and doesn’t mean it is RA, even with the labs. According to her, it could be other autoimmune things. Just something else to make me feel crazy for a minute, but really as long as we are finding effective treatment plans for now and long term – official names of things don’t matter to me right now.
Going the naturopath is good but expensive. It’s not covered by insurance. The first month of supplements, cost about as much as both car payments. She also wants me to do this program (chiropractic, acupuncture, etc) but again, mostly not covered. I haven’t decided on that yet, but I did start getting massages again, which are supposed to be good for autoimmune.
I hope this post doesn’t seem like I’m complaining. I’m getting things out. It’s scary knowing my body has things that will never go away – but thankfully can go into remission. It’s scary knowing my joints can have permanent, irreversible damage. My hands already look different (both pinkies and a ring finger). But there are positives: this is a wake-up call. It is forcing me to FINALLY put my health in order. It has been difficult to know that RA is often triggered by trauma. I can put two and two together on when body started feeling different. It is hard to look at. It is painful to know my reactions to things, could have caused this (who knows maybe not). This is all forcing me to work even more on anxiety and stress levels. I am not good with that. I don’t often handle it well. I’ve definitely been a work in progress and have come a long way, but this all has taught me, to focus only on the most important things in life.
Life can always be worse. I know that. That’s not what this is about. I’m writing about what I’m going through in the moment. It hasn’t been easy. I don’t have food and alcohol to fall back on, as I have my whole life. I don’t have an antidepressant to numb the feelings. I don’t have a therapist – their practice is taking a pause. I’m forced to work through all of this through with healthy measures. I couldn’t do that in my first 49 years. It’s high time I learn to take care of myself. I wrote this one late night, Giving up foods…my addiction. My go-to throughout my life. My comfort. Who will be there when food can’t? I feel so alone. A woman, who has a lot of work yet to do on herself, wrote that.
Moving forward, I will just post the on my website and probably on my FB diariesofherjourney page only. I just wanted to put this on my personal page, one last time, in case anyone is going through their own things – so they/you don’t feel alone. As always, feel free to reach out to me. If you want to continue to read, you can subscribe on the home page of the website. It sends an email when I post is all.
I wrote this over the course of a couple days, and I need to get Jesse out for a walk, before football starts. Remember, how I’m focusing on what’s most important? Football is one of the most important things 😊
Hello there! I’m taking a lunch, and I stare at a computer all day – one would think I would look for any excuse to get away from the computer for a short time. I haven’t written in quite a while, though, but I’ve been thinking about it every day.
I returned home on Friday, from a vacation back home to Alaska. There was a lot of anxiety leading up to the trip as we didn’t know for sure until the week before, but Brian was unable to go. They were unable to cover all his shifts. This was a huge bummer for both of us. I really thought it would come through, while he didn’t. I had chalked it up to me being the optimist in the relationship, but he knew it likely wasn’t going to happen. This trip had been postponed from last year when we were all stuck at home. I still went because I needed to see my family and friends. Upon learning Brian couldn’t come, the bff stepped in and got a ticket. It was truly the nicest gesture. We couldn’t travel together, because of full planes, and she had to overnight in Ketchikan on her way up (it’s difficult to get to the island in one day). My friend Asha and her husband were gracious enough to host Amy during her time there. They had never met in person, and I was touched that Asha not only offered but ended up taking the best care of Amy.
For the first time in going home, I rented a place to stay. I usually stay with family, but it is crowded, and everyone is pulled in their different directions. We rented from a friend of the family, and her place is right on the water. We could not have asked for a better location. It also worked out great, because she had a couple parties upstairs, and we just had to walk downstairs to go to bed. Because of my foot, it was also the first time I rented a car. I was so grateful for it all. We made the most of every day, listening to music, exploring (including getting lost on a little hike), enjoying the view from the rental, visiting friends and family. As always in going home, there simply wasn’t enough time. There were friends I didn’t see, and family I wasn’t able to spend enough time with. The best way to sum up the trip is with Gratitude: for seeing my bff in first time in year and a half, for the peace, for seeing family and friends. I was also able to meet my great-niece Layne, who was born during the pandemic.
I have always struggled with living in Illinois. I’ve worked hard on accepting this place as my home. We are here, so I do try to make the best of it, but it is not where my heart is. My heart wants to be back in the NW or Alaska. I’ll never really fit in here, but thankfully, I still manage well with great friends and the family who adopted us. Going home, was a reminder that moving somewhere West, does need to remain our long-term goal.
I continued to eat like shit leading up the vacation. I know most people go on diets or get fit before travel, I didn’t. Each day I kept thinking it was the day I was going to start and then the trip was a couple weeks out, and I was like, well, it’s too late now and kept going. I’m not a fan of this side of me. I don’t make excuses. I acknowledge reasons when I’m eating unhealthily. My brain goes to this dead place, and I just don’t step up. It’s maddening. I know how to eat right, how to take care of myself, how to do the things that make me feel best. I was thrown off my game with the surgery and recovery, but I chose to not get back to it. I’ve only myself to blame for the weight gain – which felt especially crappy, because it was before I went home. I continued down my path of destruction with food when I returned home. It was not until Monday, that I finally being accountable for what I was putting in my body. A good friend of mine asked if I would be interested in having her sister (who works in health dept at a college), work with me. She takes on a client to keep up with her certifications. We set up our first talk, the day I came back from vacation. We talked about long term and goals for the week. I chose to start Monday. Goals for this week: stay inside WW points, one soda day, meat 3x only this week, smoothie or fresh juice 4x, no alcohol until Sunday (concert), eat out only 2x. I’m glad we did this. Without these goals, I’m sure I would’ve continued eating poorly, telling myself I’ll start next Monday. I have done well in these first few days, but I have had two diet sodas a day (including one 32 oz). Soda is still a big crutch, but I am proud of tracking my food again and being accountable to myself for my choices. I returned from vacation, so worn out. I know a lot of it has to do with my recent diet and being unhealthy. I’m looking forward to better stamina. I’m already happy about not needing Tums.
I’ve been at my new job just over a month now. There’s a great relief that comes with having life insurance kick in, etc. It sucks that many of us are at the age, that we think of these things, but it’s true. It’s nice to have a paycheck coming in again, as well. For working in an area, that I’m so burned out in, I’m happy about the choice I made with this job. I work with a truly great group of people. It’s still been easy, as I don’t have all the responsibilities yet, (God knows it’s coming) but I am happy to be working with this company – and working from home most of the time.
I wrote a new chapter for my book a while back – at the suggestion of my editor. She was right. It needed it. She even edited the new chapter. From there, I have stalled. I am in a world now, that I know nothing about (publishing, etc), as I have been through this whole process. Still, that’s an excuse. It’s me holding myself back. I should be working on getting an agent every single day. I need to try in my own way. I don’t have a resume for writing (since I’ve never had a paid writing job). In trying to get myself back on track (in every way), it is a new goal – to get it out there. I will be fifty in February. Yes, 5-0. I don’t know how that’s possible, but I need this book to be published or in works to be published by then. This trip really helped me reflect on the fact that I am not my best self, right now. This is my life. Nobody else can live it for me. We are all responsible for our own happiness. I am in a good place – don’t get me wrong. I’m appreciative for every single thing in my life and always thank God for it. I have a peace inside me that I have not known for most of my life. Still, there are things I want to accomplish, and I need to continue to work for them. This is not only about what I do for a living or finances, but also about setting us up to be where we want geographically. Our youngest still has a year of h.s. and then college out here, but it is nice to think forward for Brian and I about where we want to live. And yes, I pray, pray, pray, the boys follow. I don’t think I could live apart from them, and if they really want to stay out here, we need to set ourselves up with a home in the NW or Alaska, where we can spend extended periods of time. There’s just a lot on my mind. I want to make the most of every single minute out here, just as I do in Alaska (minus the breakfast beers, aka Mike’s hard lemonade).
Brian just walked in with an iced tea for me. I appreciate the gesture. I appreciate these things in every day. I appreciate the candle I lit before I started writing (that a friend gave me). I appreciate the time to be able to write, and I appreciate you reading. I truly do.
Wishing you a happy Sunday from the concessions stand at the Byron swim meet. Caleb has been swimming for many years, but I still won’t volunteer for anything swimming related. I just don’t know enough about the sport, so I take the easiest volunteer opportunities. The state of Illinois opened up yesterday (in regard to COVID rules), but this meet does not allow spectators. This is a club meet, and I’m guessing the school doesn’t have their new rules in place yet, which is understandable. So, this will be the slowest concessions ever, open to the swimmers and coaches. I sit here next to the loud hum of the Coca Cola fridge, grateful for the time to write. If I were home, I would be, well…actually probably still in bed – thinking of all the things I need to do, while not doing them. And if I were home, I would not have introduced myself to one of the parents, who looked at me like I was an idiot and said I know. I asked who he was and yeah, he’s been here all these years, too. I’ll always be awkward AF.
This week was crazy, as it was for you too, I’m sure. We all live in our different definitions of crazy, depending on our current frenzies. I started my new job on Monday. I had gotten up earlier the week before, in preparation for a new schedule. In not working for the past seven months, and recovering from surgery, I had slept hardest in the mornings. It has been an adjustment going back to early mornings. The nightmares were awful. I’ve still been struggling with them, but this week was complete with something I don’t think I would see in the worst of horror films (and I don’t watch horror movies). I don’t know where this shit comes from. I do have a friend who does dream analysis, so I should talk to her – although these nightmares may scare her off. I’m guessing the disruption in routine, brought the nightmares to a new level.
I had been careful in deciding where to work. I went into the first day, praying I had made the right decision, also still grappling with deciding to work now and not until after summer or even later. I’m still not sure about the summer part as returning to work was really tough on my foot and ankle, but I’m grateful to think I chose the right job. We have a small department, with just four of us, and another coming on board soon. My boss is great. She reminds me of someone who could have grown up on the island. She is incredibly smart, and I look forward to learning a lot from her. I also work with a friend and former colleague, and it’s great to be working with her again. She has been the biggest help to me this week.
The first day was completely nuts as I had physical therapy after work, and my foot and ankle swelled up the most I had seen. P/T kicked my ass in the best of ways, but I went to leave and my car wouldn’t start. My friend’s husband was able to jump it, which was a huge relief. I kept it running while I took care of my friend’s dogs and cat (it’s Ryne’s job, but he was working), and from there, another friend picked me up from the auto shop. It was a long, exhausting day, but felt good to contribute to our household finances again.
The next day, the foot and ankle swelled badly again. The ankle is actually the most painful area and reacts to swelling the most. Our boss took the team for dinner and drinks after work. I did have to run to the friend’s house and take care of animals and water their garden/flowers in between, though. I showed up, sticky and ripe. It was a great way to get to know everyone so early in the game, though. It was all good, except for when the sole man in our group, made a homophobic comment. I was stunned and didn’t say anything in the moment. He didn’t get the laughs he was looking for and repeated himself, and this Mama Bear, called him out. Yes, day two of my new job, I let this guy have it. I am not a confrontational person, but I would do the same thing again.
The days continued to be long with work, p/t, taking care of the animals when needed. We were short a car, as Brian was working in Chicago, so it was tough juggling with the boys – who each have jobs and Cal has swim.
When Friday night rolled around, I was spent, but Brian and I had date night planned. We hadn’t seen each other all week and were both looking forward to some time together. It was a great night, complete with the foreplay of a trip to Costco. If you love Costco, you know that high I’m talking about. It makes my panties wet just thinking about it – a new office chair, wine, snacks, etc.
Yesterday was also an early morning, leaving the house at 6:45. I started going back to in-person WW last week. I had gained eleven pounds since surgery, and after this week, can add an additional 1.6. Making that 35-minute drive, knowing I’ve gained, is not fun. Just making the commitment to go back to the meetings, is a step in the right direction, though. It is helpful to be around people with the same addictions. I don’t recognize most of the faces though, and instead of our nice WW location, we are now in a basement conference room of an old Holiday Inn. Just like with a lot of things, even though we are getting back to “normal,” it is forever changed. It is also wonderful to be back to doing this with my good friend Jan. We had a nice walk after and then of course, and most importantly, we went to breakfast. Diets start on Monday right?….. No regrets there, I had one of those fluffy omelets. I want to repeat the wet panties comment, but you might be turned off by that, so I won’t.
Cal decided to started swimming again a couple of weeks ago. Oh wow, just noticed the concession stand schedule hanging on the wall, from Feb 2020, when the world stopped. Stomach just dropped. Anyway, we are proud of his decision to do this. He knows himself well enough to realize he needs to be busy. He does work, but it’s not a lot of hours. He swam well yesterday, considering he hadn’t been in the water in a few months.
I ended up staying home last night. I had plans, but in the end, staying home was what I needed. I had not been in an empty home in quite a while. I cleaned and did laundry. I had a glass of wine and watched A Quiet Place. Yes, just one glass. I haven’t drank much in these past months, even drinking just once over three months at one point. It feels good to have a healthier relationship with alcohol. It was wonderful to wake up to a clean house and not wine grogginess.
I’ve been focusing on good mental health a lot lately. Except for when I’m in the throws of PMS, I have been quite good. I do feel disconnected from some, but I think that’s fairly common as we come out of this pandemic. I spoke to a good friend about it and she’s feeling it, too. That’s the thing about great friendships, you talk through the hard things. In one way, I look forward to working again: to contribute financially to the family and contribute to a team. In others ways, I’m concerned about giving too much to my job. Coming out of the job I last had, this is understandable. I want to keep a lot of focus on the things that make me happiest. It is the simple things for me. Even is the hot weather, I’ve been able to keep my hanging baskets alive, as well as the new inside plant. I get joy out of watering them in the mornings. I am happy making food for the hummingbirds and changing it out every few days. I loved being home with Jesse, while I was off work. I mostly work from home with this new job. I was in the office most of this week, but I likely won’t be back in again until August. Our department is work from home, which was a big draw to the company for me. I am walking better this week. The limp is getting better, and I’m enjoying being able to get around more. I broke 10,000 steps a couple of time this week. Working through the pain, does make me happy. I am ahead of schedule for healing and am really proud of this. I keep an eye on the simple things, while focusing on relationships with friends and family. I feel good about life. I am me, and I have my moments. In the stillness of being home alone last night, there was a sad moment, where the things I push aside caught up to me – but it was short lived. It was nice to be able to get up, dust it off, and keep up with the positive energy.
This week has been heavy with prayers, and I do ask that you pray for my friend’s son, who has been hospitalized all week. He is out of the ICU and am hopeful he’ll be able to go home soon. Please pray for his continued health. Also, please pray for a negative biopsy for someone I love dearly. The results will be here in the next couple of days. It has weighed heavily on me. Thank you.
June is Pride Month. With this, I will leave you one of my favorite Brandi Carlile songs. I get heavily invested in lyrics and often try to get inside the mind of the songwriter. I always wondered who this song was about, and her autobiography was great in that at the end of each chapter, she would have song lyrics, and you could tie the story to the song. I love the line, and when did you stop missing me? We have all had relationships end or change. I’m grateful that I’ve been spared a lot of this in my life. Growing up and staying in the lives of my childhood friends, but in the instances it has happened, it has been hard for me. I do care and love deeply for the people in my life. Losing a relationship sucks. This song reminds me of that, but it also about being okay in life. She wrote this about her best friend from high school. They were estranged for many years, but as she wrote, they did later reconnect and are as close as ever. The lyrics are great, and I hope you enjoy it and are Happy.
I’ve rambled a lot with this post, but there has been a lot on my mind. I’ve just finished it on the break in Cal’s swim meet. It has been a busy day but am glad to have been able to write. It is good for my mind and soul.
The past four weeks have tested me in different ways. I worked hard to be strong, tough, vulnerable, practice self-love, and appreciation. I know there is contradiction is some of those things, but life is real, and we try to use the tools that will service us best (insert vibrator joke here).
Eight days before my foot surgery was to take place, I learned I needed a biopsy on my breast. This didn’t come as a huge shock. They’ve been pulling the boobs every which way for a couple of years now. In addition to this, I had recently developed a hard area in my boob. I knew the likelihood of a biopsy was there, but I still hoped they’d tell me the calcifications were still considered normal. Instead, there were more, and the existing ones had grown. Calcifications are typically not cancerous, but there is cause for concern when they are in clusters, which is what I now have, in different places. They wanted to biopsy the largest area.
I was shaken at the news of needing a biopsy – especially when everything was in place for the much needed surgery on my foot. I had been pushing myself physically for that month before the mammogram, and my body was starting to rebel. I was in a lot of pain. I consulted with the radiologist and my doctor and decided to move ahead with the foot/ankle surgery as planned and do the biopsy as soon as I could (I would be able to sit in a chair to have it done). I was nervous about a lot of things, but I wouldn’t let myself confide my fears with anyone.
The foot/ankle surgery went well, and until the fifth day, I thought – shit – I got this. It’s about then that the blocker wore off (a blocker they don’t tell you, you have). Things got a lot more painful at this point. Still, I went ahead with a couple of phone/zoom interviews I had set up. The first one was on the phone the day the pain really started in. I couldn’t take a pain pill until after the interview. I did the interview, laying in bed, with my eyes closed. The next one was two days later and was a zoom interview. Showering and everything at that point was still tough, but I felt good about looking like a human being and using my brain for something other than talking myself out of pain.
Later in the week (eight days post op), I got my second vaccine. Thankfully all went well, but it was a lot on my body at that point to leave the house and use a knee scooter to go through a large building.
The interviews went well enough for me to have follow up interviews the following week. One required me to be on-site. It was a 50 minute drive (Ryne drove me, since I’m sill unable to drive – hopefully will get the okay for doc next week) each way. The interview was three hours (it was also the third interview total with them – this is normal for what I do). Holy smokes, this wore me out. The next day I had my third interview with another company, which was 3.5 hours on zoom.
I was offered one job, and I haven’t gotten a decision on the other yet (guessing I didn’t get it at this point as was supposed to have heard by now). The one job offer was a great offer. I just knew in my gut, it was not the best fit for me. I was worried about a healthy work/life balance. I turned it down. I have now turned down several offers. I fight the angel on one shoulder that tells me I’ll know the right opportunity, and the devil on the other, that tells me I’m crazy. Every job I’ve turned down was for more money than I’ve ever made. I am working on trusting myself with this. Today, I had a fourth interview with a different company. I think it went fairly well, but we will see. I’m most interested in it, because I would be working with a formal colleague, whom I think highly of. I have an interview with another company this week. This one would be for less money but there would be less responsibility. I don’t know….I’m all over the board.
Two weeks after surgery, I had the bandages removed. That in itself was quite painful, as the early layers were soaked in blood and stuck to the stitches. The stitches were removed and a new x-ray was done – putting weight on my foot. This appointment was in middle of the interviews, and it kicked my ass. I ended up very sick that night. I think the pain of everything came out in illness and stomach pain. It was awful. Thankfully I did move into a walking boot that day, though.
Three weeks after surgery, I rolled through the hospital on my knee scooter (too far to walk on walking boot) and got my biopsy. Start to finish was about an hour and a half. It wasn’t too painful and the staff was exceptionally caring. I was told results would be quick, about two days, unless they have a hard time deciphering the results, then they will need to send to the Mayo Clinic and would be 4-7 days. Oh, I did get cheered by staff as I rolled off after the biopsy – made me feel strong.
Staying calm and keeping a positive attitude wasn’t always easy. I’ve been in pain from the surgery, every single day. My foot and ankle are still quite swollen and completely discolored. The first few days ticked by and I remained relatively calm. It wasn’t until the additional days went by, that I started to panic. It was six working days in, that I did the fucking googling. I knew better, and then I got ever more freaked out. I wanted to reach out to friends. I didn’t want to put that on my family. I wanted to talk through everything I was feeling. I have worked hard on being vulnerable, over the years, in therapy. I had come a long way and then things in life happen, and I went backwards and am still a work in process in making myself vulnerable to people. I couldn’t talk it through, but I did send a text to a lifelong friend, telling her I was having a tough day. I also reached out to a local friend and asked if we could go to dinner that night. I know she has a busy life, with small children, and she recognized I would not normally reach out asking to do something that day. She asked if I was okay. I told her I was struggling and wanted to get out of the house. I’m so glad I was vulnerable enough to do that, and I’m so glad that she is part of our adopted family out here. We had a great dinner. I splurged on an expensive meal and the night was not about everything I was going through, it was just about two girlfriends getting together and enjoying time.
The next day (nine days after biopsy), I learned that the calcifications didn’t appear cancerous. Thank the good Lord. They want me to return in six months to be rechecked. I guess Lumpy here, will just need to get used to the fact that the titties will be poked and prodded a lot over my lifetime.
It has been during this four weeks, that two of the people I’m closest to, both got COVID. One didn’t have it bad, while the other one has had much more of an illness. She seems like she is doing better today, and I’m so grateful. Our niece also had an eight-hour surgery. She had been going through some health issues. They wanted to avoid the surgery until she was older, as she is young. Thankfully the surgery went well. Another relative has been going through health issues. My friend that has been battling cancer made the trek out to our house to bring food and gifts. I was so touched, that he would think of me, in my relatively minor surgery, while he is still going through all he is.
Things have just felt especially heavy lately. I know a lot of this is due to the pain and not being able to drive. I can’t deal with stress in my normal ways of hiking, taking my dog for a walk, going to therapy, or just going for a drive. I love my husband, but we have very different love languages when it comes to empathy. I know this about him, so I have to focus on all the good and know that he doesn’t understand what I go through.
A friend came and got me out into nature yesterday. We didn’t do much walking, but it was enough to make my foot/ankle angry with me today – but it was fucking worth it. The adopted family/friend is taking me to the Soap Shop this week, too. I’m finally asking my friends to get me out, and I’m glad my body is at a place where it can get out and do some things. I’m really hoping I get the green light next week to move into a men’s shoe (this will be for two months, because of swelling). I will also be going to physical therapy. I see the pot at the end of the rainbow. Finding out the biopsy was good and getting out have helped me a ton. I know I sound like a whiner, but you are reading a much healthier version of what I wrote to myself last week. Life isn’t always easy. At the same time, you know many have it a million times worse. Even with this, I think it’s healthy to honor your own feelings. My takeaway from this is also to work on my own vulnerability. I have too many wonderful people in my life, to trust they won’t hear me or be there for me. I think the next book I read may have to be Brene Brown, about vulnerability.
Thanks for letting me ramble. Things are looking up – as of today, there are no more steri strips on boob or foot and ankle. God has answered a lot of prayers for those I love and for myself.
I’ll leave you with some Genesis – I totally splurged and bought tickets to see them. I figure, it’s a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Coming to you live from my reclining love seat. My butt has been planted here or I’ve been lying down with foot elevated and icing, for the past eleven days. Today is the day to get back on schedule with real life things (work on my book, writing this post, reading, etc). We are told the, nearly three-hour, surgery went well on my foot and ankle. One wouldn’t think a foot wouldn’t be such a big deal, but boy oh boy, it is. Pain wise, I would say it was worse than knee surgery, but it doesn’t even touch neck surgery. When things feel like they suck with this, I remind myself how lucky I am to not have the horrid nerve pain that came with neck surgery.
All in all, I feel really lucky with this surgery. The first couple of days were easier than I thought they might be. A few days in, I had a short stretch of bad days. Any time you’re dealing with surgery, it gets tough. You don’t poop for a week or more, anesthesia is always tough on me with nausea that last for many days. I was on pain meds, and it was a little hard to have good control over the knee scooter and there were many times I ran over my “good” foot or toe. Thankfully that part has gotten much better. I’m truly grateful for the advice of a good friend who the same surgery on the foot part, when she said to take it easy. She overdid it (by simply trying to make a smoothie) and it landed her in an ambulance to the ER when her back locked up on her. When you’re working on one leg (especially when it’s a bad knee) and bending and twisting and using these different muscles, the body is not real forgiving. I have gotten a lot more brave lately (doing dishes a few times and putting laundry in washing machine, etc), but I am very careful. I’m hoping on Wednesday, I will graduate to a walking boot. It will take a bit to actually walk, but I am super excited at this prospect. It is one step closer to healing this part of the body.
I have been so blessed with family and friends who have been there for me every day since before and after the surgery. Anyone who has had surgery knows just what a head fuck it all is. You’re in pain. You feel alone, etc. This surgery has been the best in terms of support, and it makes all the difference. I urge you to be the person that checks in on someone when they are going through surgery or a tough time. I promise: they will be so appreciative, and they will never forget you. I’ve been showered with meals, books, flowers, nice visits, good phone conversations and texts. I knew how hard this was going to be, and I did ask my baby sister to be there for me. She heard me. Being heard is one of the most precious things there is in this life (especially in a house full of boys 😊 She called me for days leading up to the surgery and after. She took time from her day to plan some of these long calls, while she was vacationing in Honolulu. I am so appreciative of my family and friends for making me feel so loved and cared for.
It always helps to keep things in perspective when going through dark times. I have some that are close to me, that have gone through absolute hell lately. I do feel helpless, in that I can’t just drop food by or be there to give a hug. I don’t know…as I start to write, it’s too heavy to write about and not my stories. COVID is still a giant MOTHER FUCKER. It’s times like this, where I wish I were someone who used the C word, because that’s what goes through my head. I’m not going to sit and preach about getting vaccinated. Some of those closest to me don’t believe in it, and we agree to not even talk about it – knowing we can’t change each other’s minds. I will say this…The first time I left the house in over a week, was Friday when Brian drove me half hour each way for me to get my second vaccination. It was rough with all the movement. It was rough when I had to scoot through this large building from place to place to get that second shot. I was rough, fearing a bad reaction – which thank God, I did not get. But I tell you what, I feel beyond grateful to have been vaccinated. I feel beyond grateful that everyone in my house has at least one shot under the belt. COVID is a MOFO that is still making people I love, sick. It is still taking the lives of their family and friends. I’m just praying enough people get vaccinated, so that we can put this C word of a virus in the past. – I thank God that the vaccine is now becoming so much more widely available.
No real good segue way here. I had put off the job search for a while, as I knew the surgery was coming up. I did apply for two jobs right before the surgery, knowing it takes a while to go through the process. I did interview with both of them last week, and I believe they went well. I should know more about them this week. One of them I am really interested in. I have had a couple of different offers since I last wrote, but they were not the jobs for me. I am being selective. Jobs are such a big part of our lives, I just really want to make the right move.
I’ll also continue to try and make the most of my time off work, to find an agent for my book and figure that stuff out. Everything takes a long time – especially when you’re a first time author, without an agent etc already in place. I did add a new chapter to my book. I had felt it needed it, and my editor suggested it too. I had to sit with it for a while. It’s not easy to plop down a new chapter a third of the way into a book, that has been completed for some time. I like the way it came out, even though, I’m still trying to get used to it. It helps pulls things together better. I sent the chapter to my editor. We did not talk money. She edited it and also went back into the following chapter and gave suggestions to help tie things together. I sent her some money via an app. She returned the money, giving me the sweetest note. This woman, does this for a living….and she did not want to take my money. Instead, she told me she hoped me downtime after surgery has given me a lot of time to think about the next book. To have someone believe in you like this and simply want to support me….Dude. It is one of the greatest feelings in the world.
I’ve now been off the hard pain relievers for a bit and can keep my eyes open throughout the day. I’m looking forward to taking advantage of this time to work on the things that bring my soul peace.
I did want to say, that initially after surgery, I had a hard time eating. My stomach was so upset. I counted my points. I made good choices in order to be healthy. Then, after several days, I got HUNGRY. And I really haven’t stopped eating (mostly shit) since. I need to pull it together. I was afraid this would happen. Staying on track isn’t always easy, and especially when I don’t have the luxury of using my feet to stand in a kitchen or to workout my mental stuff through walking and hiking, etc. I do need to get back to it, though. I need to nourish my body as it tries to heal itself. This will be a long journey, and I need all the help I can get. I need to start off each day with a smoothie or fresh juice. I feel like I can maybe do this now (be more active in the kitchen). If I start my day right, it makes all the difference. My whole routine is so thrown off (including getting up late). So, please send me some positive energy.
I received some awesome news about a friend getting a clean scan today (they had been checking for cancer). It totally makes my day! I look forward to working on book, reading, and allowing myself 2 episodes of “The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel” today. I hope the day brings you happiness in all the ways that are most important to you.
Happy Saturday! I hope you are in the midst of some Springtime weather. Last week we had a snowstorm, and I think everyone was pulling their hair out, including the birds who were visibly saying – what the fuck?! We’ve had some spring showers, but living out here, I appreciate the sound of rain. It rains so much less here than the NW or Alaska.
The change in weather has allowed me to be active outdoors again. When I found out my surgery date (April 15), I had just over thirty days, and I vowed to make the most of every day until surgery. Thankfully, I’ve been able to do it all outdoors. The weather doesn’t need to be perfect for me to enjoy hiking, forest preserves or walking trails: it just needs to be free of too much ice. My body fights me in different ways every day, but thankfully my determination and sense of appreciation for this body, are stronger than the pain. I know it won’t be this way every day, but I’m grateful with everything going on, I’m able to keep going. If it starts to get bad while I’m out, I try to focus on the birds and the trees, the air, and everything that makes this world great. So far, it’s working.
Most of the time, it’s me and my dog Jesse. A couple/few times a week, friends or Brian are able to join. It was on a hike with a friend recently, that we were able to get up close and personal with an owl. I had never been so close to one. It just turned its head and stared at us for several moments before flying off. Breathtaking.
I’m continuing to lose weight. It isn’t happening as quickly as I’d like, but I am in the throws of some nasty hormonal shit. I celebrate each loss. I have been more dedicated this past couple of weeks than have in quite a while. With 2021, there have been weight losses, followed by gains, on and on, but I am happy with where I am right now. I have really put a lot into my food addiction lately and realizing just how strong it is. It is real. Every meal, I must choose me and my health, no matter how down I might be with the hormones. I was either in in PMS or bleeding the entire month of February. I just finished cramping a couple of days ago after eight straight days, complete with swollen boobs, and the period did not come. I’m not mad about not bleeding. It’s just weird shit. The hormones can bring me way down. Earlier this week, there were tears with no real reason. There have been days I have not wanted to get out of bed. Each morning, I choose me, and get my ass going – even when it feels like there is no purpose to any of it. I’m glad I can recognize the hormonals stuff. It makes me feel less crazy.
The hormones have jacked up my sleep. I don’t have obsessive thinking in the way I used to, but while I am awake at night, I think a lot about food. I knew I was going to be getting Thai food from my favorite place yesterday, and I probably spend an hour thinking through if I was going to get a lunch portion (which I break into 1 ½ meals) or the dinner size (nearly 3). It’s not as if I don’t ever get to eat here. A friend and I have a standing Thai date. We get takeout from this restaurant, nearly every week. No matter what meal or snack, I have probably thought about it repeatedly, wanting something else, before settling on what’s best for me. I am glad I make the right choices most of the time. Sometimes that choice, is something that isn’t healthy. Last week, I hiked with friends. We grabbed breakfast and doughnuts to bring to my house. I thoughtfully figured out my breakfast and even ate a filled Long John doughnut. Let me tell you, I mouth fucked that doughnut. It was the best thing ever. I didn’t feel guilty for eating it. I accounted for it. I adjusted my day around it. One of the greatest rewards of watching what you’re eating, is getting to enjoy food. Had I not been counting points and off in denial land, I likely would have eaten two or three (maybe four) that day, and not really tasted any of them.
Through the ups and downs of life, there have been some real highs. I spoke to my editor last week, and she had the greatest things to say about my book. It has taken a long time to get to this point, but it is close to ready. She said she sees this book being a hit in book clubs. This editor had told me many times before it wasn’t ready. She has given me so much guidance. I’ve stayed with it, so to hear such positive things, feels really good. She is not blowing smoke up my ass. She spent and hour and a half with me (at no charge) just talking about the story and how to get it out there. I am also…..finally happy with it. It feels good to read it. The flow is there. Who knew it would take so much work just to get a good flow? I’ve learned so much in this process. No matter what happens with it: I am proud of my efforts and the story.
I had a big low on Monday, when I found out I had psoriasis. I was on a regular dermatologist appointment, when she pointed it out and asked questions. It is on the bottom of one foot now but has been on both. I thought it was from hiking with moisture in the socks. Look, I said “moisture,” not “moist.” I know a lot of us hate that word. Moist. Anyway, it was a knockdown punch. It is an autoimmune thing, and of course, that would make anyone stop and take a breath. I was also pissed. The foot thing came out of left field and now this. I let it get to me for a few days, but I am treating the psoriasis now and it seems to be responding. I hate that I have something that never really goes away, but it is mild. At least I know about it and will just continue on with my journey. I can’t do much more than that, so I’m not going to lose sleep over it. Oh, but apparently it is usually brought on by illness. I only noticed it in the past few months. My guess is, the crap going on with my cycle did it. Fucking cycle.
I haven’t been writing here, as I didn’t feel good about writing while going through some of what the hormonal shifts have brought. It has all given me more reason to work on self-awareness. I’m focusing on what brings value to my life. That’s where my energy needs to be. It is a freeing place – to not be consumed about trying to make everyone else happy. I live in this head. I live in this body. It has taken me nearly fifty years, but I am so glad to have finally arrived at a place of putting myself first. I hope you are doing this same.
Take care my friends. I hope this weekend brings you health and happiness. -Oh, the video below….shitballs. This will kick you right in the crotch. Ed lost someone close to him a few weeks ago, due to COVID. He wrote the song in response, and it is pure emotion. Dear God, what we wouldn’t all do for visiting hours in heaven.
My aunt put this in my birthday package. She hit the nail on the head.
Happy Saturday! Here in the Midwest, we have this yellow orb in the sky – the snow is melting – it is glorious. It truly is amazing what a difference in the weather makes. My youngest was leaving for practice this morning and came back in to tell me, there was no wind. He said, “It’s so nice out there.” This is especially shocking, since he is his mother’s son, and not a morning person. For a teenager to initiate conversation and have enthusiasm about the weather, says a lot.
My birthday week is coming to a close. Going into it, I felt a little sadness, as being out here, is just not the same as being back west. I miss the celebrations my friends would throw for me – and my friends in general. I was pleasantly surprised when my friend and former coworker, B3, reached out and asked to take me to lunch the day before my birthday. He lives more than an hour away from the restaurant/bar next to our old workplace. We feel safe there. It was great to see him, and to have a day when things felt “normal.” There was great conversation, a couple beers, laughs, good food, and awesome music on the jukebox. Since the pandemic began, I have not gone out much. I have a real appreciation for anything that feels familiar. It was a great way to kick off my birthday weekend.
I woke up to 49 on Sunday with a messy house. I was the only one up and stopped myself before I started cleaning and thought about what would make me happies. I went for a drive to a neighboring town and picked up a breakfast sandwich and doughnuts for the family at this great bakery. I miss seeing water. The river has been frozen, so the only place I could think of was the dam. I parked, enjoyed my sandwich while listening to Stern and saw water for the first time in a long time. I was lucky enough to see two bald eagles hunting on the other side of the river. I talked to a friend for a bit and then continued to take it all in.
The house was even messier when I returned home. I took a deep breath and didn’t say anything. The youngest went to practice and the hubby and oldest went to Rockford to run errands and pick up an ice cream cake. For the first time in a long time, I had the house to myself. I put on the soft rock station, lit a candle, and cleaned. I love the immediate gratification that cleaning brings. In the peace, I then sat and opened the cards and gifts that had come in the mail. The love was overwhelming. I feel all warm inside just thinking of the outpouring of love. I then checked texts and FB. Again, all the fuzzies. A friend gives me her copy of People magazine every year when they have their 100 lb weight loss issue (She knows I love it). It had been sitting on my end table for a couple months, and in the quiet, I turned nearly every page of that magazine. (coincidentally, she is one of my favorite people and her birthday is the day before mine)
The boys picked up Red Lobster for dinner and our close friends, The “Lambos” came over. It was important to me to spend my birthday with family, and they are our family out here. It was a big treat for all of us, as they don’t get out much since the pandemic began, having a child who is high risk. They had just gotten a puppy that day and brought her as well. Seeing that puppy was the cherry on top of the sundae – that was my birthday.
Nearly every day of the week, has brought more birthday love. This really was one of my favorite birthdays. I don’t know how the fuck I am forty-nine years old…but I didn’t dwell on the number. I felt the love and am truly able to appreciate all this life has blessed me with. I plan to make this year before turning 5-0, nothing short of fantastic.
I feel grateful to have the peace of mind that comes along with aging. I stress much less about the small stuff. I am more comfortable in my own skin, than I ever though I could be. I feel good about the person I am but know I can be better – and work on this all the time. Physically, though, I feel the aches and pains of someone much older. I have not mentioned my foot pain much, because I am tired of feeling like a giant pussy when it comes to injuries. I had an x-ray done before the holidays and knew the results were not good, although really didn’t understand them. I was referred to a podiatrist, but because we ended up without insurance for January, I could not go until earlier this week. More x-rays were done and confirmed what I knew was coming – surgery. I also have this large lump on the top of my foot in between my ankle. I showed my friend the other day, and she said, “That is huge!” (yes, that’s what she said). I have not always had it so asked the Dr about it a few years ago. I was told it was normal. Um, okay. I worried as a boy I had a crush on when I was in h.s. had a lump on his ankle and it turned out to be cancerous. Thank God, our friend Ed made him get it checked out. The Dr explained my lump away, but it always made me uneasy. So, now with an actual foot Dr, I was asked what I did to my ankle. She led with this, so it freaked me out for a minute. Apparently this large lump is a bone spur from a previous injury. My guess is that’s what caused me to walk differently or whatever it is that caused the problems with my foot. The bone spur will also be removed at time of surgery. I will be off my feet for two weeks, then in a boot for six weeks. The next two months will be spent wearing a men’s shoe (because of the swelling) and p/t. Hopefully I will be good to hike after four months or so – but it is a year before total recovery.
I had a nice little pity party on Tuesday, complete with lots of food and wine. Thankfully, I put my big girl panties back on and have been back on track. My bp was shitty at the Dr’s office, and I want to be as healthy as I can be before surgery. I will know the surgery date this week, but for now, I only know it will be in March.
Outside of the foot thing, this week has continued to be great. My editor returned what is to be the last edit (her part anyway) last night. She had such great words to say about the story. I am excited to see what this will look like, after I’m done accepting/rejecting her changes, etc. I now know how my week will be spent. I don’t know what I did in this life to deserve her, but she really is an angel. I feel a true connection with her. Not only is she charging me half her normal rate (and I know she put more time in it on top of that), but a package arrived from her on my birthday. She did not know it was my birthday – how crazy is that? She sent a book for me to read from same genre and wants to know what I think of the publisher, as finding a publisher is the next step. The person I hired, spent her own money to send me a book…. She is also encouraging me to write another book. Having someone believe in you is priceless.
I should get out and about. I have promised myself to get in exercise every day before my surgery. It hurts my soul that I will not be able to do the things I want for so long, but I know it could always be worse. I am lucky to be taking care of this now, before it gets even worse and more painful.
Please go out and seize the day – you never know what tomorrow will bring.
I’ll leave you with this song I woke up to at 2 AM (in my head-have not heard it in years). It is not my song. A friend has a story to it, although I don’t know the story – only that it was a song that really got to her. There is irony to this song.
Happy Hump Day! I have known and used the phrase Hump Day since I was a kid. My stepdad was in radio and he made a big deal of Hump Day every Wednesday over the airwaves. I can still hear him. For most of life that is what I have thought about until recent years when those annoying commercials came out with the camels. My husband does it in that camel voice every Wednesday. It makes the boys crazy but I like seeing my husband get giddy, like a kid. Mostly, though, I think about a friend who was telling another friend and I how she and her husband rarely have sex. She wanted to fix that, and I told her she should start using Hump Day to get it on and make it a standing date. I cannot remember their path, but their relationship did improve. When they got pregnant, my other friend said, Well, it must have happened on a Wednesday.
I am now three days into a renewed energy toward weight loss. I have gained and lost weight my entire life. Most of it just gaining. In recent years, I lost a total of approximately 140 pounds. I know for sure it was 120 but when my weight got that high – I refused to weigh myself again and likely put on another 20 after that. I have put 76 pounds of that lost weight back on. That was hard to say. I do not think I had admitted that to anyone (although, I am sure they could tell by looking at me). Since then, I have lost 26 pounds and have fifty pounds to get to my goal weight.
I know the reasons I gained the weight back. We all have our own journeys that have led us to different types of addictions. I could not control getting sick. I had no idea that my body was depleting potassium due to a blood pressure prescription. I knew I was sick but when the brain is not functioning properly, one does not think clearly. This happened for months before I ended up nearly dying. When I was sick, I damaged my body. Pounding the hell out of it while working out and trying to get my mental health better but could not feel my body. I did not know this, because again, my brain was not functioning properly. This led to the plate in my neck and the reason I am told I need back surgery. I am not rehashing things a lot of my regular readers know for any other reason to say – I could not stop this. I did not know what was happening. I could, however, have reacted to my circumstances differently. How I reacted, caused the weight gain. How I have reacted to things my whole life, has caused the weight gain. Nearly dying didn’t make me gain the weight – how I responded to it, did.
It sucks being accountable for our mistakes. I just chuckled out loud to myself as I have made many mistakes in my time on earth. My cousin once told me, we cannot control a lot in our life, but we can control what we eat. She is spot on. If life feels out of control, we should take control where we can. This is what helps to keep us sane.
I feel this in my bones….I will lose this fifty pounds. I will live a healthy life. The fire is here. I have accountability by exposing myself to anyone who stumbles upon this blog.
I am only on day 3 of this new and improved journey but I feel great (outside of a body that screams at me most of the day). I will be 49 in a matter of weeks. I really do not know how in the fuck that happened. My brain thinks I am 29 and I will continue listening to her. My journey will be slow and I am okay with that. I have grown a lot in this way in these last years. My eye is on the prize. I will get there one pound at a time.
I hope you continue to follow along this journey. During this, I hope you are inspired to create your own goals.
It might be hard to put your faith in me. I have already gained, gained, gained, lost, gained, losing. I am also someone who was at Costco yesterday and had to wear my glasses on top of my head as they kept fogging up. I had to use the restroom (which completely freaked me out) and was careful to avoid touching all I could. I went back out and continued to shop. I was all the way across the building when I realized my glasses were not on top of my head. I panicked and power walked back to the bathroom in fear, picturing them on the floor of a public bathroom. I panicked even more when they were not there. I began to retrace my steps, before realizing, my glasses were on my face.
I tell you this story, so you know, without a doubt – if I can take this journey toward better health- so can you.
Days 2,3 over 10k steps each day, continued plank challenge, did 5 girl pushups today, did (3) sets of 15 arm workouts with 3-pound weights. I dipped into my extra WW points yesterday but am eating well. Past versions of myself would be too embarrassed to tell where I am at – but this version is nothing but proud.
I hope you can look back at your days and be proud, too.
Welcome to the new blog and website! I knew I needed to have a more positive name than, diariesofafatass. I am proud of that blog, but I no longer think of myself in that way. Don’t get me wrong….I have a lot of extra weight, but when I think of myself – my weight is not the first thing that comes to mind and no longer defines me. So, here I am, someone who doesn’t know shit about websites, with a new website, she can’t figure out (it’s not near as user friendly as the other platform). So please bear with me as I try to navigate through this thing.
I think we are all on the same page, as we wave goodbye to 2020 with middle fingers aloft. It is a year that changed us all.
2020 started out good for me. We had just hired a new senior manager. I was excited to have another person on the team and someone who could help with our ever-increasing workload. Right off the bat, you could tell she was not a people person. It was evident, by her telling us the blocks on her desk would be positioned each day to say what type of mood she was in. Oh boy. Even so, not everyone is a social butterfly. I was hopeful that she would bring a fresh energy to the group and happy to have a buffer between our nasty site leader.
At the end of February, I traveled to Costa Rica for my baby sister’s wedding. Brian made the decision not to come, as we were also going to Alaska in July and he couldn’t take two big trips (hindsight is 2020…). My lifelong friend, Caity was my roommate and was so glad she was there. It made our bond even stronger, which I did not know could be possible. It was a trip of a lifetime. Before this, I had only been to the UK on a work trip. All my other travels had been in the continental US. As beautiful and adventurous as it all was, seeing Brooke so happy and being around family was the best feeling in the world. A big group of us had breakfast one morning and I just looked around at everyone, in that moment, and wished I could bottle that feeling of love and contentment.
I was hesitant about traveling internationally because of COVID. My colleagues in China had done a great job of putting the fear of God into me. If it were not for Brooke getting married, I would have canceled my trip. I was only gone five days. In that time, of course I never watched television or checked the news, so was shocked to come home to see what was happening in the states. It was all so fast….now it was here and everywhere. I think it was just two weeks later that Costa Rica shut down travel. Brooke and I have talked about how lucky it all happened the way it did. I am blessed to have seen my family right before travel effectively shut down, everywhere.
Okay, I am going to work hard on condensing because I could talk about this fucking year – for a year.
I was feeling great about my weight and had been following WW quite strictly. My good friend Jan and I would leave the house at 6:45 A.M. every Saturday to weigh in and after the meeting, would go on some great adventure. The adventures always involved food (I mean, I am food addicted) but I would account for it. We spent a few months trying to find the best eggs benedict in Rockford and had a fabulous time. We would hike, grocery shop, run errands. Whatever it was, we had fun and meaningful conversation. Just like everything with the pandemic, it came to an abrupt stop. I did not deal with the anxiety of it all in a healthy manner. Work became a nightmare. It was a work stress I had never known. Trying to buy internationally, with whole countries shut down and a management team that was screaming every stop of the way – yuck. I was worried about everything, of course, the family the most. I drank A LOT of wine and ate up a fucking storm. I put on a good chunk of weight. Big sigh. I wish I could have dealt with it in the way those people who got super fit did or those who learned foreign languages, etc. No, I am me and I just do not cope well. I am a definite work in progress.
In May, Brian’s grandma passed away. In the age of COVID, nobody could be in the hospital with her (until the very end and then only one person). It was traumatizing thinking of what she was going through and the family – as well as our own. We could not be there. Brian wanted to jump on a plane, but he could not see her and would have had to quarantine from his mother. I lost my grandma when I was nineteen. I did not have grandparents when I met Brian at twenty. From the first moment we met, Gram treated me like family. I was blessed to have Brian’s grandparents in my life.
During all the craziness of the year, we found a new family member in Hunter. He went from being a coworker to part of our family. He is one of the most positive, empathetic people I have ever met. In the storm, he brought a light to our family.
Through most of the pandemic, I have had weekly virtual happy hours with my two great friends, Kim and Le Ann. I met the girls fourteen years ago or so at an Autism support group, led by Kim. We bonded over what our sons were going through and trying to find the latest/greatest thing that would lead to improving their lives – to just being great friends. We have had a lot of great travel adventures together and have an unshakeable bond. With this, none of us have been great at keeping in touch (since I no longer live in the state) and would chat every couple months or so. The pandemic got us face to face (via screen) every week and we talk in between. We continue this to this day. I would trust these women with my life.
A few months ago, Jan and I finally got out together (we were separated by pandemic, then she had surgeries on both of her feet). I had just given my notice and she needed out of the house. She was a trooper, going through Costco on a knee scooter. She craved normalcy. We were so happy to be out and about like old times. On our way back, we passed a cat in the middle of the highway. You could tell he could not move his back legs. We both freaked out and I turned around. I was terrified because it is a two-lane highway along the river with a lot of twists and turns. I was afraid I would get hit running into the road, or the Jeep would get hit with Jan in it. We knew we had to get the cat, though. We pulled over as far as we could and then an older couple turned around and pulled behind me in middle of road with their hazards, so I could get the cat. I took of my sweatshirt (with only tank top underneath) and ran out to get him. The cat was pissed and scared and in pain. I do not know a thing about cats but instantly thought, What the fuck am I doing? He was vocal and with his two front paws was lashing out at me. I held my arms out straight to try and avoid the blows. A car coming the opposite direction, saw us, thank God and stopped and put on their hazards. By the time I got him back to the car, he had calmed down. I thought he was grateful to be rescued but he was probably in shock. The older man got out and asked me what I was going to do – I said I will take him to my vet. He reached in his wallet, saying I know this is not much, but I want to help and gave me twenty dollars. What a sweet gesture. We were lucky enough to get to my vet just before they closed. I showed up, bleeding from my chest with a tank top on, in the cold…quite the sight I am sure. The vet tech took him from Jan and left. In that moment, I completely broke down. The adrenaline just stopped and I felt the weight of the moment, the worry for the cat. I felt it all. Jan was also moved and we drove in silence to her house, where I could drop her off.
The vet called me after he was able to examine and take x-rays. It did not look good for our Tom Cat as Jan referred to him. However, the vet explained sometimes good things do happen after a night of rest and fluids. He promised to keep him comfortable and would give IV and explained what would be ahead if the kitty made it. That day, I told two friends about the cat and without talk of expense, they both offered to help pay the vet bill. Jan had also offered to pay half. I knew I would not be able to accept their gracious offer but was so touched they even thought of it. I am blessed to be surrounded by good souls.
Late, the following morning, the vet called to say the cat had not made it. My heart broke. We tried out best but could not save him. It was hard to find the lesson in this. I just hope he died in peace and did not feel pain from the time he got to the vet.
When the bill arrived, the vet picked up most of the cost. He did this on his own. I was responsible for everything, yet out of the kindness of this heart – he covered all but the cremation (which is done through another company). He will forever be our vet. I once again, gracefully declined Jan’s offer to help, but she sent it on Venmo anyway. Her gesture, the older man’s contribution, was truly heartwarming.
It started with the cat and it felt like that set things in motion. It feels like I keep getting run over by a truck only to get up, dust myself off and get run over again. The next week, Brian got COVID. It was wicked and scary. Three months later, he still is not back to where his workouts were. There is still a slight cough but thank God he is okay. Caleb got COVID from the only person in his bubble at the time. He began to get sick on Thanksgiving. With Brian, I felt so helpless because we did our best to keep him away from the family. With Caleb, I was by his side, trying to do anything to help him. He got most of the things you read about (minus loss of taste or smell). He had been run over by the COVID buss. Even now, he has terrible fatigue. It is hard to see. They returned to school this week and he must nap once or twice after. He looks tired all the time and it has taken a toll on him. Yesterday was an extremely tough day for him and it breaks my heart. I fucking hate this virus. It has not only struck my family but close friends (one right now going through it and another off quarantine from it just days ago).
The truck hit me again when Brian’s job was suddenly outsourced to India. We both went to a place of fear. I had left my job on Oct 30th because we thought we were so secure with his. Weeks after I left my job, they fired the managers I left over, and then I regretted my decision to leave. Now, we were without any paychecks and I was hard on myself.
At the beginning of this new year, I was hit by another truck. A truck that showed no mercy. It is not my story to tell but it shattered me. I felt helpless. I felt fear. Thankfully, with this truck, there is only love and I see more of the greatness that will come from this – every day.
2020 brought a lot of anxiety, fear, loss, sadness, but it brought a lot of gifts that I am forever thankful for. Brian’s schedule has been a nightmare for many years. We would only see him about half the time. He was able to work from home since March or so and it was great to see him so much. I know the quarantine was hard on a lot of relationships. I am happy to say, that after being together twenty-eight years, ours continued to blossom. He sleeps best when his arm is around me. I am a light sleeper and hard for me to get comfortable. Often, I cannot wait for him to go to sleep, so I can slide his arm off me so I can sleep. Now, I look forward to his snuggles and have even learned to fall asleep this way. I am a lucky woman to be married to Brian. We have also been fortunate to spend a lot more time with the boys. I am the one that tells them no or asks that they help out, etc. I am definitely not their favorite person. But the love is deep, and we all feel it. I thank God every single morning and night for us all (including) Jesse being under one roof.
A couple days after we found out Brian was losing his job; I text the happy hour girls to let them know I would not be joining our call as I would not be good company. I let them know what happened, and immediately Kim text, “If you guys move back to Vancouver. You can live with me.” She followed up with, “I am totally serious.” Her generous offer brought me to tears. We have committed to staying here for the boys, but that was such an act of selflessness. In this stressful time, friends and family have done so many nice, unexpected things. There was a time, I may have refused some of the gifts, but I have learned from poor behavior from someone I helped in their time of need, the grace in accepting the generosity of those who love us. I know it makes me feel good to help people I love and know it makes them feel good, too. I have refused, with as much love and explanation as I could, one nice offer but promised to let them know if we ever were in a place where we would need it. I do feel terrible in that one friend sent a generous gift, but some asshole at the postal service decided to steal it and never arrived.
2020 also brough Ryne his first job and it was so great to see him thrive. He also remained healthy in the sick-house as Briand and I call it. Cal also got his driver’s license. The boys had a lot of wonderful things happen in this crazy ass year. The relationships with their friends have become even more solid.
This new year may have started with getting hit by another truck, but in its infancy, this is a good year. Brian and I both accepted new jobs this week. I was fortunate enough to have two offers and was able to take the job closest to home, as Brian has a long commute.
I noticed the other day, that the small scars left behind from the cat, have faded away. They were a reminder of seeing that pain but like all scars, the trauma is fading away.
With Christmas money, we found a great deal on a used Bowflex. Our little workout area is coming together. Neither Brian or I had eaten meat this year (until I pigged out on chicken fried steak this morning, because I knew I was getting on track tomorrow – as I have 1,000,000 time prior). I am not beating myself up over it. I have been doing fairly well with my diet since leaving my job. My blood pressure is way down from when I left my job. I had lab work done a few weeks ago and everything looked great. My cholesterol is, “outstanding,” as the nurse put it. I feel great going into this year. I My bp is still an issue I need to continue working on but I am going in the right direction.
On Friday, I received a sweet email from the first editor on my book. She said she was thinking of one of my characters and asked if I ever published the book. She had such nice things to say. This meant so much, as she has edited a ton of books and now also works on a magazine. For her, to think of me, gives me a lot of confidence in myself and the book.
This new year, also brings this new website and blog. Starting tomorrow, I will chronicle my journey and commitments. I am still trying to iron out what I will be doing but will have it all figured out tonight. I will write a lot more often, and thankfully for you, the posts will be much shorter. I would love you to follow along. My journey is complicated by a lot of things, including depression but I continue to win the battles. If you would like to be there through this and/or need an accountability partner – please subscribe to the blog (on this home page). It will email you when there are new entries. You can even have the emails sent to a folder if you are someone who likes to keep emails to a minimum. It would mean a lot to me. The dream is to grow this blog. The blog has made me feel like I am not alone. My hope is we all know – that we are not alone.
Happy 2021 my friends,
Jenn (new year – same spelling from when I was young)
diaryofherjourney 