Happy Monday to you! Also known to many of us as the dreaded weigh-in day. I am also in a weight loss “competition” that weighs in on Wednesdays. I joined, not because I thought I could win, but for the comradery of it. I only know two people in the group, but most are local, so I am hoping to get to know more people by the end of it. The competition is app based. It is so easy. I wish I would have known about this when I was doing weigh-ins for people.
I had really been off for several days. I could not shake it. You could probably tell by my morose post yesterday. It finally dawned on me last night, that it was PMS. Duh. It is early, so I was not expecting it. Thought it was all fallout from trying to wean off the antidepressant. I woke up this morning to my cycle – and a clearer, happier headspace.
With this development, I was nervous to step on the scale. However, my hard work was rewarded with a 2 ½ pound loss. That is nearly 5 pounds in two weeks. I am really happy with this. We do not always see the results we think we should, so I will gladly take this. I searched 2.5 weight loss images and only found the shaker weight. I have seen cool images of what weight loss looks like. If you know of what site that’s on, please let me know. I remember being on a girls trip to Vegas and this bar we were in had the shaker commercial running the whole time on their tv’s as to simulate hand jobs. In other words, I lost a hand job this week.
Things that have gone well: I have continued to drink a lot of water. I have started drinking mostly tepid water. I have heard for a long time that it is better for you because and it makes sense to me – especially if you are eating and drinking water – cold water would harden whatever fat you might be eating. I drink about 20+ ounces each morning before I eat or drink anything. That is also supposed to be good to get things moving. I have done a lot of walking. I have been accountable for what I have been eating. It really is that simple – the execution anyway – we know there is a million mind fucks in between.
Every day is a good day but am especially looking forward to today. A friend is driving out to visit. We are going on a walk (happy she wants to join me in the cold) and grabbing some lunch. With the pandemic, I have not had a lot of in person social time. She had wanted to meet earlier last week, but I knew she had been to a party and had to put it off. I get nervous about that damn virus – with good reason. Poor Cal is suffering a lot of the aftereffects that many go through with COVID. It breaks my heart. Later today Brian is returning from a four-day trip. He has the antibodies now, so I am glad he was able to spend time with friends before starting his new job next Monday. Ryne was also house/dog sitting during this time, so Caleb and I got to spend some quality time together while they were both out.
I hope you all have a wonderful day today as well.
Below is a photo of my breakfast. I normally do a smoothie or sometimes fresh juice, but this was easiest in my current condition. (dramatic much?) I often do this as a snack. It is non-fat, plain Greek yogurt with frozen blueberries. I do this with different types of fruit – a Cutie being my favorite lately. It is 0 point on Blue WW. It is taste great and is guilt free. Winning.
Happy Sunday to you! Here in the Midwest, we have awoken to some light snow. It is incredibly beautiful, and it makes me forget for a moment – just how much I hate the winter.
Today is the close of week 1 of documenting this journey. I will weigh myself tomorrow morning but no matter what the scale says, I am pleased with my efforts. Today will look a little different than the first six days. My knees are killing me. I cannot remember the last time they caused this much pain. Through today I hit my commitment of being active for at least 30 minutes a day, hitting over 10,000 steps each day in the process. I missed one day on the plank challenge but doubled up another day in order to meet my goal. I will be one day short of my commitment to lift light weights 3x this week, but I did shovel wet snow and break up ice yesterday. I still have a major mental block on lifting weights. I will get through this, though. My body has been kind to me and am happy with what I have done – pushing myself further with my upper body this week than I have – since maybe pre-surgery. Even the snow and ice shoveling was a big breakthrough for me.
I feel good about my diet this week and will end up within my WW points, but it was not easy. There are times when I am on point and it doesn’t matter what anyone around me is eating. Lately, I hear every crunch of a chip, I see the cookies. I see the soda. I want what everyone in the house is eating. Sometimes I give in, eating just a little. I count the points and I pay the price. Those are empty calories and do nothing to satisfy hunger. In the moment though, I take my time and enjoy it. If I am going to waste 6 of my 26 points of the day on four Oreo thins, I mouth fuck those cookies. With time, being around food will get easier.
I have been on an antidepressant for the past six months. I see the benefits but also feel the side effects. I know it helps around my cycle. I still go through a little hell, but it is leaps and bounds better than with the antidepressant. I think it also keeps me more even, overall. I still struggle at times. I am on a low dosage. A good friend gave me some good advice recently, telling me to feel the feels of what I was going through. She is right and I quit trying to fight off sadness when it comes to visit. The biggest issue I have with the antidepressant is the nightmares I get. I also get night sweats, but those have gotten less intense with time. The nightmares came immediately when I started on this pill. I am often afraid to go to sleep. People die in my nightmares. People I love. I have had recurring nightmares about the same people and am always afraid for them. Earlier this week, there was a massacre in my dream. It is not the first time this has happened. I gave the whole antidepressant thing more thought. I have done a lot of work on myself. I am better than I have been. I am eating well and active. The voice of Glennon Doyle (from the book Untamed) kept going through my head, saying this is not when you get off them. This means, they are working. Still, because of the nightmares, I decided to wean off. The second day, I went through the ringer. My head went all over the place. This is not how I would be off antidepressants; this is the brain going crazy over the change. This is scary in itself – my brain reacting to the change so fiercely. I wanted to be through the worst of it before I started my new job next week, but I am not in a place to go through this right now. I will wait until the weather is better and try again. I feel defeated in this, but I also know it is best for me to stay the course right now.
This week has been great in a lot of ways, despite those few days. I am building on the confidence my first editor has shown me and am working through another edit on the book. When I am done with this, I will have it professionally edited again – hopefully for the last time. I hate that I have ideas for other books in my head, because this process is excruciating. I acknowledge that I am not a “real” writer. I do not know a lot of the writing rules, but I do know that I am a gifted storyteller. Okay, that felt really weird to write….I do not talk about myself with such confidence, but I am proud of the way this book came out. I am blessed beyond measure, to have started the journey of this book with this editor. Without Lesley, I would never have gotten to the place I have with this book. She has believed in me, when I have not believed in myself, or the story.
I did not eat meat this week (except for eggs). I feel better when I do not eat meat. We all know what our body reacts best to, and not eating meat, makes me feel mentally and physically better. I am still eating too much cheese but have cut down. I do not have plans to be a lifelong vegetarian right now, but I do plan to eat a lot less meat moving forward than I have been these past years. I did not drink alcohol this week. I have not quit, but I have cut down quite a bit over these past several months. I needed to and feel better for it.
I have spent a lot of my life believing I needed to do something grand to be loved or appreciated. I think it started when I was young and was part of my drive to be a good athlete. In all honesty, it might even be why I wrote the book. I wanted to be a published author. I wanted to prove to myself and others, that I could be something. My dear friend Lynn is the first person who read it. I admire her greatly, so her opinion meant a lot to me. She read this really rough draft of a story and could not have been more supportive. When the bff read one of the later drafts, she said, “It’s a goddamned novel!” I reveled in her opinion. When another person I really cared about and wanted to impress, read it and gave me a simple thumbs up after they finished it, it killed me. I took that to mean, they had no words so there was just an emoji. I have hated the mother fucking thumbs up ever since. It took me a long time to learn the lessons from all of this. Other people’s opinions of my work, mattered more than my own. In fact, I probably loved those people, more than I was able to love myself at the time.
The awesome Mr. Roger’s once said, “I hope you never feel like you have to achieve something amazing in order to feel love.” I can honestly say, I no longer feel this way. The book will have cost me a lot of money. I will not make anything on it. I will feel weird putting it into the world and asking people to buy it. Still, I am proud of myself. I am happy. This is what matters most.
I do this blog for another reason. I have not done this to achieve something grand. I started it to help myself. In its infancy, I tried to shame myself into losing weight – by putting my stuff out there. It quickly turned into something that fed my soul in a different way. I gained stronger friendships through this. I learned I was not alone in a lot of the things I go through. This blog also costs me money. It is a labor of love. Each time I publish an entry, I go through terrible anxiety and feel all of the vulnerability (and immediately want to drink). If you are still reading this, I know it is because you care about me or you are on your own journey and looking for inspiration. I do hope to inspire, even when I am failing, because I am out there – I am trying. I hope you will take this ride with me. Together, we can triumph, we can stumble, we can laugh at ourselves, and most of all – we will know that we are not alone.
I am not someone who asks people for things, but if you do read this, please go to the home page of the site and subscribe. You will not get spam or anything, only an email telling you when there is a new post. You can also like and follow the blog on this site. This helps me to build the site. Really, it helps me to build a dream. A huge thank you to those of you who have already done so!
Alright, you may have read this and thought, Girl, up those antidepressants, don’t get off of them. Who knows, you may be right, I may be crazy, but it just might be a lunatic you’re looking for, as the amazing Billy Joel once sang. Still, I hope you will stay around through all of the crazy. We all feel this way sometimes.
Day one or one day. We have likely all heard this saying. I usually think, tomorrow will be day one or I scroll past it thinking fuck you to the person who seemingly has their shit together (I mean, how dare they) – while I throw down a Pepsi or glass of wine. To say today was day one is misleading. I have been doing baby steps or even had times of kicking ass over the last couple of months. I have not been on point since Christmas Eve, though. I did great Christmas Eve during the day, even having a plan in place but then I committed the ultimate sin of going too long between eating and then I hit the buffet of food the boys had lined up when I got home. Christmas was wonderful but by that evening I got a tinge of depression. This often happens on holidays, even when they are great. For the most part, I know what drives it but feel powerless to combat it in the moment. This year, I allowed myself to feel it. We cannot be happy all of the time. Fast forward another week and getting hit by a truck and well, there have been more poor eating days than good. Today, though, I was on point. Today, is the day I start documenting my journey in this new platform. I may not write every day but will do brief account of what is going on when I do.
I took a big step yesterday in asking the bff to be my accountability partner. She is someone I admire and who has laser focus. I gave her a brief rundown of my commitments for the week: At least 30 minutes aerobic activity per day, plank challenge each day, 3 days of light weights. She sent me hers and it is much more ambitious than mine as well as extremely detailed. She is fierce and I have no doubt she will accomplish her goals.
Today was my first day of commitment to move for at least 30 minutes. Good Lord, I did not wanna. I am tired of the cold. It is icy and there’s frozen snow everywhere. I am a big fucking baby when it comes to these Midwest winters (which if funny since I grew up in Alaska). Thankfully, I made a commitment to her (because I fail myself all the time but usually do not fail others) to get it done and I did. I took Jesse (my dog and PIC) out for a 50-minute walk and I ended up hitting my 10,000 steps for the day. I did the first plank since my neck surgery. I have been afraid of injuring myself for far too long and was pleased that I could do the 20 seconds of day 1. I will attach below if you would like to join in. My foot is fucked up, so I had to do it on my knees but (that’s what she said)….I am happy with my effort.
I hit my WW point allowance for the day. I get a decent number of points because of my weight but am satisfied with most of my decisions today.
Breakfast: Smoothie (banana, spinach, flax seed, chocolate Juice Plus, frozen blueberries and almond milk)
Lunch: Fresh green juice (cucumber, turmeric, apple, lemon, celery), toasted bagel thin (OMG…love – eat one most days) with 2 TBS whipped cream cheese and a boiled egg
Snack: 2/3 cup Frosted mini wheats with almond milk
Dinner: 2 Black bean tacos (beans, poblano peppers, cheese) and spring mix salad with 1 TBS Olive Garden dressing
I know many reading this will be unimpressed by my efforts but we all have our own journey. I go at a slow pace, but I have long term goals I know I will attain. Plus, I fucking hate being hungry – Truth.
I hope this post finds you in the midst of your health journey or planning your Day 1. Oh, and if you’re interested in following along, please go to the home page and subscribe.
Welcome to the new blog and website! I knew I needed to have a more positive name than, diariesofafatass. I am proud of that blog, but I no longer think of myself in that way. Don’t get me wrong….I have a lot of extra weight, but when I think of myself – my weight is not the first thing that comes to mind and no longer defines me. So, here I am, someone who doesn’t know shit about websites, with a new website, she can’t figure out (it’s not near as user friendly as the other platform). So please bear with me as I try to navigate through this thing.
I think we are all on the same page, as we wave goodbye to 2020 with middle fingers aloft. It is a year that changed us all.
2020 started out good for me. We had just hired a new senior manager. I was excited to have another person on the team and someone who could help with our ever-increasing workload. Right off the bat, you could tell she was not a people person. It was evident, by her telling us the blocks on her desk would be positioned each day to say what type of mood she was in. Oh boy. Even so, not everyone is a social butterfly. I was hopeful that she would bring a fresh energy to the group and happy to have a buffer between our nasty site leader.
At the end of February, I traveled to Costa Rica for my baby sister’s wedding. Brian made the decision not to come, as we were also going to Alaska in July and he couldn’t take two big trips (hindsight is 2020…). My lifelong friend, Caity was my roommate and was so glad she was there. It made our bond even stronger, which I did not know could be possible. It was a trip of a lifetime. Before this, I had only been to the UK on a work trip. All my other travels had been in the continental US. As beautiful and adventurous as it all was, seeing Brooke so happy and being around family was the best feeling in the world. A big group of us had breakfast one morning and I just looked around at everyone, in that moment, and wished I could bottle that feeling of love and contentment.
I was hesitant about traveling internationally because of COVID. My colleagues in China had done a great job of putting the fear of God into me. If it were not for Brooke getting married, I would have canceled my trip. I was only gone five days. In that time, of course I never watched television or checked the news, so was shocked to come home to see what was happening in the states. It was all so fast….now it was here and everywhere. I think it was just two weeks later that Costa Rica shut down travel. Brooke and I have talked about how lucky it all happened the way it did. I am blessed to have seen my family right before travel effectively shut down, everywhere.
Okay, I am going to work hard on condensing because I could talk about this fucking year – for a year.
I was feeling great about my weight and had been following WW quite strictly. My good friend Jan and I would leave the house at 6:45 A.M. every Saturday to weigh in and after the meeting, would go on some great adventure. The adventures always involved food (I mean, I am food addicted) but I would account for it. We spent a few months trying to find the best eggs benedict in Rockford and had a fabulous time. We would hike, grocery shop, run errands. Whatever it was, we had fun and meaningful conversation. Just like everything with the pandemic, it came to an abrupt stop. I did not deal with the anxiety of it all in a healthy manner. Work became a nightmare. It was a work stress I had never known. Trying to buy internationally, with whole countries shut down and a management team that was screaming every stop of the way – yuck. I was worried about everything, of course, the family the most. I drank A LOT of wine and ate up a fucking storm. I put on a good chunk of weight. Big sigh. I wish I could have dealt with it in the way those people who got super fit did or those who learned foreign languages, etc. No, I am me and I just do not cope well. I am a definite work in progress.
In May, Brian’s grandma passed away. In the age of COVID, nobody could be in the hospital with her (until the very end and then only one person). It was traumatizing thinking of what she was going through and the family – as well as our own. We could not be there. Brian wanted to jump on a plane, but he could not see her and would have had to quarantine from his mother. I lost my grandma when I was nineteen. I did not have grandparents when I met Brian at twenty. From the first moment we met, Gram treated me like family. I was blessed to have Brian’s grandparents in my life.
During all the craziness of the year, we found a new family member in Hunter. He went from being a coworker to part of our family. He is one of the most positive, empathetic people I have ever met. In the storm, he brought a light to our family.
Through most of the pandemic, I have had weekly virtual happy hours with my two great friends, Kim and Le Ann. I met the girls fourteen years ago or so at an Autism support group, led by Kim. We bonded over what our sons were going through and trying to find the latest/greatest thing that would lead to improving their lives – to just being great friends. We have had a lot of great travel adventures together and have an unshakeable bond. With this, none of us have been great at keeping in touch (since I no longer live in the state) and would chat every couple months or so. The pandemic got us face to face (via screen) every week and we talk in between. We continue this to this day. I would trust these women with my life.
A few months ago, Jan and I finally got out together (we were separated by pandemic, then she had surgeries on both of her feet). I had just given my notice and she needed out of the house. She was a trooper, going through Costco on a knee scooter. She craved normalcy. We were so happy to be out and about like old times. On our way back, we passed a cat in the middle of the highway. You could tell he could not move his back legs. We both freaked out and I turned around. I was terrified because it is a two-lane highway along the river with a lot of twists and turns. I was afraid I would get hit running into the road, or the Jeep would get hit with Jan in it. We knew we had to get the cat, though. We pulled over as far as we could and then an older couple turned around and pulled behind me in middle of road with their hazards, so I could get the cat. I took of my sweatshirt (with only tank top underneath) and ran out to get him. The cat was pissed and scared and in pain. I do not know a thing about cats but instantly thought, What the fuck am I doing? He was vocal and with his two front paws was lashing out at me. I held my arms out straight to try and avoid the blows. A car coming the opposite direction, saw us, thank God and stopped and put on their hazards. By the time I got him back to the car, he had calmed down. I thought he was grateful to be rescued but he was probably in shock. The older man got out and asked me what I was going to do – I said I will take him to my vet. He reached in his wallet, saying I know this is not much, but I want to help and gave me twenty dollars. What a sweet gesture. We were lucky enough to get to my vet just before they closed. I showed up, bleeding from my chest with a tank top on, in the cold…quite the sight I am sure. The vet tech took him from Jan and left. In that moment, I completely broke down. The adrenaline just stopped and I felt the weight of the moment, the worry for the cat. I felt it all. Jan was also moved and we drove in silence to her house, where I could drop her off.
The vet called me after he was able to examine and take x-rays. It did not look good for our Tom Cat as Jan referred to him. However, the vet explained sometimes good things do happen after a night of rest and fluids. He promised to keep him comfortable and would give IV and explained what would be ahead if the kitty made it. That day, I told two friends about the cat and without talk of expense, they both offered to help pay the vet bill. Jan had also offered to pay half. I knew I would not be able to accept their gracious offer but was so touched they even thought of it. I am blessed to be surrounded by good souls.
Late, the following morning, the vet called to say the cat had not made it. My heart broke. We tried out best but could not save him. It was hard to find the lesson in this. I just hope he died in peace and did not feel pain from the time he got to the vet.
When the bill arrived, the vet picked up most of the cost. He did this on his own. I was responsible for everything, yet out of the kindness of this heart – he covered all but the cremation (which is done through another company). He will forever be our vet. I once again, gracefully declined Jan’s offer to help, but she sent it on Venmo anyway. Her gesture, the older man’s contribution, was truly heartwarming.
It started with the cat and it felt like that set things in motion. It feels like I keep getting run over by a truck only to get up, dust myself off and get run over again. The next week, Brian got COVID. It was wicked and scary. Three months later, he still is not back to where his workouts were. There is still a slight cough but thank God he is okay. Caleb got COVID from the only person in his bubble at the time. He began to get sick on Thanksgiving. With Brian, I felt so helpless because we did our best to keep him away from the family. With Caleb, I was by his side, trying to do anything to help him. He got most of the things you read about (minus loss of taste or smell). He had been run over by the COVID buss. Even now, he has terrible fatigue. It is hard to see. They returned to school this week and he must nap once or twice after. He looks tired all the time and it has taken a toll on him. Yesterday was an extremely tough day for him and it breaks my heart. I fucking hate this virus. It has not only struck my family but close friends (one right now going through it and another off quarantine from it just days ago).
The truck hit me again when Brian’s job was suddenly outsourced to India. We both went to a place of fear. I had left my job on Oct 30th because we thought we were so secure with his. Weeks after I left my job, they fired the managers I left over, and then I regretted my decision to leave. Now, we were without any paychecks and I was hard on myself.
At the beginning of this new year, I was hit by another truck. A truck that showed no mercy. It is not my story to tell but it shattered me. I felt helpless. I felt fear. Thankfully, with this truck, there is only love and I see more of the greatness that will come from this – every day.
2020 brought a lot of anxiety, fear, loss, sadness, but it brought a lot of gifts that I am forever thankful for. Brian’s schedule has been a nightmare for many years. We would only see him about half the time. He was able to work from home since March or so and it was great to see him so much. I know the quarantine was hard on a lot of relationships. I am happy to say, that after being together twenty-eight years, ours continued to blossom. He sleeps best when his arm is around me. I am a light sleeper and hard for me to get comfortable. Often, I cannot wait for him to go to sleep, so I can slide his arm off me so I can sleep. Now, I look forward to his snuggles and have even learned to fall asleep this way. I am a lucky woman to be married to Brian. We have also been fortunate to spend a lot more time with the boys. I am the one that tells them no or asks that they help out, etc. I am definitely not their favorite person. But the love is deep, and we all feel it. I thank God every single morning and night for us all (including) Jesse being under one roof.
A couple days after we found out Brian was losing his job; I text the happy hour girls to let them know I would not be joining our call as I would not be good company. I let them know what happened, and immediately Kim text, “If you guys move back to Vancouver. You can live with me.” She followed up with, “I am totally serious.” Her generous offer brought me to tears. We have committed to staying here for the boys, but that was such an act of selflessness. In this stressful time, friends and family have done so many nice, unexpected things. There was a time, I may have refused some of the gifts, but I have learned from poor behavior from someone I helped in their time of need, the grace in accepting the generosity of those who love us. I know it makes me feel good to help people I love and know it makes them feel good, too. I have refused, with as much love and explanation as I could, one nice offer but promised to let them know if we ever were in a place where we would need it. I do feel terrible in that one friend sent a generous gift, but some asshole at the postal service decided to steal it and never arrived.
2020 also brough Ryne his first job and it was so great to see him thrive. He also remained healthy in the sick-house as Briand and I call it. Cal also got his driver’s license. The boys had a lot of wonderful things happen in this crazy ass year. The relationships with their friends have become even more solid.
This new year may have started with getting hit by another truck, but in its infancy, this is a good year. Brian and I both accepted new jobs this week. I was fortunate enough to have two offers and was able to take the job closest to home, as Brian has a long commute.
I noticed the other day, that the small scars left behind from the cat, have faded away. They were a reminder of seeing that pain but like all scars, the trauma is fading away.
With Christmas money, we found a great deal on a used Bowflex. Our little workout area is coming together. Neither Brian or I had eaten meat this year (until I pigged out on chicken fried steak this morning, because I knew I was getting on track tomorrow – as I have 1,000,000 time prior). I am not beating myself up over it. I have been doing fairly well with my diet since leaving my job. My blood pressure is way down from when I left my job. I had lab work done a few weeks ago and everything looked great. My cholesterol is, “outstanding,” as the nurse put it. I feel great going into this year. I My bp is still an issue I need to continue working on but I am going in the right direction.
On Friday, I received a sweet email from the first editor on my book. She said she was thinking of one of my characters and asked if I ever published the book. She had such nice things to say. This meant so much, as she has edited a ton of books and now also works on a magazine. For her, to think of me, gives me a lot of confidence in myself and the book.
This new year, also brings this new website and blog. Starting tomorrow, I will chronicle my journey and commitments. I am still trying to iron out what I will be doing but will have it all figured out tonight. I will write a lot more often, and thankfully for you, the posts will be much shorter. I would love you to follow along. My journey is complicated by a lot of things, including depression but I continue to win the battles. If you would like to be there through this and/or need an accountability partner – please subscribe to the blog (on this home page). It will email you when there are new entries. You can even have the emails sent to a folder if you are someone who likes to keep emails to a minimum. It would mean a lot to me. The dream is to grow this blog. The blog has made me feel like I am not alone. My hope is we all know – that we are not alone.
Happy 2021 my friends,
Jenn (new year – same spelling from when I was young)
diaryofherjourney 