WW – diaryofherjourney

Going Home

Hello there! I’m taking a lunch, and I stare at a computer all day – one would think I would look for any excuse to get away from the computer for a short time. I haven’t written in quite a while, though, but I’ve been thinking about it every day.

I returned home on Friday, from a vacation back home to Alaska. There was a lot of anxiety leading up to the trip as we didn’t know for sure until the week before, but Brian was unable to go. They were unable to cover all his shifts. This was a huge bummer for both of us. I really thought it would come through, while he didn’t. I had chalked it up to me being the optimist in the relationship, but he knew it likely wasn’t going to happen. This trip had been postponed from last year when we were all stuck at home. I still went because I needed to see my family and friends. Upon learning Brian couldn’t come, the bff stepped in and got a ticket. It was truly the nicest gesture. We couldn’t travel together, because of full planes, and she had to overnight in Ketchikan on her way up (it’s difficult to get to the island in one day). My friend Asha and her husband were gracious enough to host Amy during her time there. They had never met in person, and I was touched that Asha not only offered but ended up taking the best care of Amy.

For the first time in going home, I rented a place to stay. I usually stay with family, but it is crowded, and everyone is pulled in their different directions. We rented from a friend of the family, and her place is right on the water. We could not have asked for a better location. It also worked out great, because she had a couple parties upstairs, and we just had to walk downstairs to go to bed. Because of my foot, it was also the first time I rented a car. I was so grateful for it all. We made the most of every day, listening to music, exploring (including getting lost on a little hike), enjoying the view from the rental, visiting friends and family. As always in going home, there simply wasn’t enough time. There were friends I didn’t see, and family I wasn’t able to spend enough time with. The best way to sum up the trip is with Gratitude: for seeing my bff in first time in year and a half, for the peace, for seeing family and friends. I was also able to meet my great-niece Layne, who was born during the pandemic.

I have always struggled with living in Illinois. I’ve worked hard on accepting this place as my home. We are here, so I do try to make the best of it, but it is not where my heart is. My heart wants to be back in the NW or Alaska. I’ll never really fit in here, but thankfully, I still manage well with great friends and the family who adopted us. Going home, was a reminder that moving somewhere West, does need to remain our long-term goal.

I continued to eat like shit leading up the vacation. I know most people go on diets or get fit before travel, I didn’t. Each day I kept thinking it was the day I was going to start and then the trip was a couple weeks out, and I was like, well, it’s too late now and kept going. I’m not a fan of this side of me. I don’t make excuses. I acknowledge reasons when I’m eating unhealthily. My brain goes to this dead place, and I just don’t step up. It’s maddening. I know how to eat right, how to take care of myself, how to do the things that make me feel best. I was thrown off my game with the surgery and recovery, but I chose to not get back to it. I’ve only myself to blame for the weight gain – which felt especially crappy, because it was before I went home. I continued down my path of destruction with food when I returned home. It was not until Monday, that I finally being accountable for what I was putting in my body. A good friend of mine asked if I would be interested in having her sister (who works in health dept at a college), work with me. She takes on a client to keep up with her certifications. We set up our first talk, the day I came back from vacation. We talked about long term and goals for the week. I chose to start Monday. Goals for this week: stay inside WW points, one soda day, meat 3x only this week, smoothie or fresh juice 4x, no alcohol until Sunday (concert), eat out only 2x. I’m glad we did this. Without these goals, I’m sure I would’ve continued eating poorly, telling myself I’ll start next Monday. I have done well in these first few days, but I have had two diet sodas a day (including one 32 oz). Soda is still a big crutch, but I am proud of tracking my food again and being accountable to myself for my choices. I returned from vacation, so worn out. I know a lot of it has to do with my recent diet and being unhealthy. I’m looking forward to better stamina. I’m already happy about not needing Tums.

I’ve been at my new job just over a month now. There’s a great relief that comes with having life insurance kick in, etc. It sucks that many of us are at the age, that we think of these things, but it’s true. It’s nice to have a paycheck coming in again, as well. For working in an area, that I’m so burned out in, I’m happy about the choice I made with this job. I work with a truly great group of people. It’s still been easy, as I don’t have all the responsibilities yet, (God knows it’s coming) but I am happy to be working with this company – and working from home most of the time.

I wrote a new chapter for my book a while back – at the suggestion of my editor. She was right. It needed it. She even edited the new chapter. From there, I have stalled. I am in a world now, that I know nothing about (publishing, etc), as I have been through this whole process. Still, that’s an excuse. It’s me holding myself back. I should be working on getting an agent every single day. I need to try in my own way. I don’t have a resume for writing (since I’ve never had a paid writing job). In trying to get myself back on track (in every way), it is a new goal – to get it out there. I will be fifty in February. Yes, 5-0. I don’t know how that’s possible, but I need this book to be published or in works to be published by then. This trip really helped me reflect on the fact that I am not my best self, right now. This is my life. Nobody else can live it for me. We are all responsible for our own happiness. I am in a good place – don’t get me wrong. I’m appreciative for every single thing in my life and always thank God for it. I have a peace inside me that I have not known for most of my life. Still, there are things I want to accomplish, and I need to continue to work for them. This is not only about what I do for a living or finances, but also about setting us up to be where we want geographically. Our youngest still has a year of h.s. and then college out here, but it is nice to think forward for Brian and I about where we want to live. And yes, I pray, pray, pray, the boys follow. I don’t think I could live apart from them, and if they really want to stay out here, we need to set ourselves up with a home in the NW or Alaska, where we can spend extended periods of time. There’s just a lot on my mind. I want to make the most of every single minute out here, just as I do in Alaska (minus the breakfast beers, aka Mike’s hard lemonade).

Brian just walked in with an iced tea for me. I appreciate the gesture. I appreciate these things in every day. I appreciate the candle I lit before I started writing (that a friend gave me). I appreciate the time to be able to write, and I appreciate you reading. I truly do.

Have a wonderful day and week my friends,

Jenn

Trusting Myself

Wishing you a happy Sunday from the concessions stand at the Byron swim meet. Caleb has been swimming for many years, but I still won’t volunteer for anything swimming related. I just don’t know enough about the sport, so I take the easiest volunteer opportunities. The state of Illinois opened up yesterday (in regard to COVID rules), but this meet does not allow spectators. This is a club meet, and I’m guessing the school doesn’t have their new rules in place yet, which is understandable. So, this will be the slowest concessions ever, open to the swimmers and coaches. I sit here next to the loud hum of the Coca Cola fridge, grateful for the time to write. If I were home, I would be, well…actually probably still in bed – thinking of all the things I need to do, while not doing them. And if I were home, I would not have introduced myself to one of the parents, who looked at me like I was an idiot and said I know. I asked who he was and yeah, he’s been here all these years, too. I’ll always be awkward AF.

This week was crazy, as it was for you too, I’m sure. We all live in our different definitions of crazy, depending on our current frenzies. I started my new job on Monday. I had gotten up earlier the week before, in preparation for a new schedule. In not working for the past seven months, and recovering from surgery, I had slept hardest in the mornings. It has been an adjustment going back to early mornings. The nightmares were awful. I’ve still been struggling with them, but this week was complete with something I don’t think I would see in the worst of horror films (and I don’t watch horror movies). I don’t know where this shit comes from. I do have a friend who does dream analysis, so I should talk to her – although these nightmares may scare her off. I’m guessing the disruption in routine, brought the nightmares to a new level.

I had been careful in deciding where to work. I went into the first day, praying I had made the right decision, also still grappling with deciding to work now and not until after summer or even later. I’m still not sure about the summer part as returning to work was really tough on my foot and ankle, but I’m grateful to think I chose the right job. We have a small department, with just four of us, and another coming on board soon. My boss is great. She reminds me of someone who could have grown up on the island. She is incredibly smart, and I look forward to learning a lot from her. I also work with a friend and former colleague, and it’s great to be working with her again. She has been the biggest help to me this week.

The first day was completely nuts as I had physical therapy after work, and my foot and ankle swelled up the most I had seen. P/T kicked my ass in the best of ways, but I went to leave and my car wouldn’t start. My friend’s husband was able to jump it, which was a huge relief. I kept it running while I took care of my friend’s dogs and cat (it’s Ryne’s job, but he was working), and from there, another friend picked me up from the auto shop. It was a long, exhausting day, but felt good to contribute to our household finances again.

The next day, the foot and ankle swelled badly again. The ankle is actually the most painful area and reacts to swelling the most. Our boss took the team for dinner and drinks after work. I did have to run to the friend’s house and take care of animals and water their garden/flowers in between, though. I showed up, sticky and ripe. It was a great way to get to know everyone so early in the game, though. It was all good, except for when the sole man in our group, made a homophobic comment. I was stunned and didn’t say anything in the moment. He didn’t get the laughs he was looking for and repeated himself, and this Mama Bear, called him out. Yes, day two of my new job, I let this guy have it. I am not a confrontational person, but I would do the same thing again.

The days continued to be long with work, p/t, taking care of the animals when needed. We were short a car, as Brian was working in Chicago, so it was tough juggling with the boys – who each have jobs and Cal has swim.

When Friday night rolled around, I was spent, but Brian and I had date night planned. We hadn’t seen each other all week and were both looking forward to some time together. It was a great night, complete with the foreplay of a trip to Costco. If you love Costco, you know that high I’m talking about. It makes my panties wet just thinking about it – a new office chair, wine, snacks, etc.

Yesterday was also an early morning, leaving the house at 6:45. I started going back to in-person WW last week. I had gained eleven pounds since surgery, and after this week, can add an additional 1.6. Making that 35-minute drive, knowing I’ve gained, is not fun. Just making the commitment to go back to the meetings, is a step in the right direction, though. It is helpful to be around people with the same addictions. I don’t recognize most of the faces though, and instead of our nice WW location, we are now in a basement conference room of an old Holiday Inn. Just like with a lot of things, even though we are getting back to “normal,” it is forever changed. It is also wonderful to be back to doing this with my good friend Jan. We had a nice walk after and then of course, and most importantly, we went to breakfast. Diets start on Monday right?….. No regrets there, I had one of those fluffy omelets. I want to repeat the wet panties comment, but you might be turned off by that, so I won’t.

Cal decided to started swimming again a couple of weeks ago. Oh wow, just noticed the concession stand schedule hanging on the wall, from Feb 2020, when the world stopped. Stomach just dropped. Anyway, we are proud of his decision to do this. He knows himself well enough to realize he needs to be busy. He does work, but it’s not a lot of hours. He swam well yesterday, considering he hadn’t been in the water in a few months.

I ended up staying home last night. I had plans, but in the end, staying home was what I needed. I had not been in an empty home in quite a while. I cleaned and did laundry. I had a glass of wine and watched A Quiet Place. Yes, just one glass. I haven’t drank much in these past months, even drinking just once over three months at one point. It feels good to have a healthier relationship with alcohol. It was wonderful to wake up to a clean house and not wine grogginess.

I’ve been focusing on good mental health a lot lately. Except for when I’m in the throws of PMS, I have been quite good. I do feel disconnected from some, but I think that’s fairly common as we come out of this pandemic. I spoke to a good friend about it and she’s feeling it, too. That’s the thing about great friendships, you talk through the hard things. In one way, I look forward to working again: to contribute financially to the family and contribute to a team. In others ways, I’m concerned about giving too much to my job. Coming out of the job I last had, this is understandable. I want to keep a lot of focus on the things that make me happiest. It is the simple things for me. Even is the hot weather, I’ve been able to keep my hanging baskets alive, as well as the new inside plant. I get joy out of watering them in the mornings. I am happy making food for the hummingbirds and changing it out every few days. I loved being home with Jesse, while I was off work. I mostly work from home with this new job. I was in the office most of this week, but I likely won’t be back in again until August. Our department is work from home, which was a big draw to the company for me. I am walking better this week. The limp is getting better, and I’m enjoying being able to get around more. I broke 10,000 steps a couple of time this week. Working through the pain, does make me happy. I am ahead of schedule for healing and am really proud of this. I keep an eye on the simple things, while focusing on relationships with friends and family. I feel good about life. I am me, and I have my moments. In the stillness of being home alone last night, there was a sad moment, where the things I push aside caught up to me – but it was short lived. It was nice to be able to get up, dust it off, and keep up with the positive energy.

This week has been heavy with prayers, and I do ask that you pray for my friend’s son, who has been hospitalized all week. He is out of the ICU and am hopeful he’ll be able to go home soon. Please pray for his continued health. Also, please pray for a negative biopsy for someone I love dearly. The results will be here in the next couple of days. It has weighed heavily on me. Thank you.

June is Pride Month. With this, I will leave you one of my favorite Brandi Carlile songs. I get heavily invested in lyrics and often try to get inside the mind of the songwriter. I always wondered who this song was about, and her autobiography was great in that at the end of each chapter, she would have song lyrics, and you could tie the story to the song. I love the line, and when did you stop missing me? We have all had relationships end or change. I’m grateful that I’ve been spared a lot of this in my life. Growing up and staying in the lives of my childhood friends, but in the instances it has happened, it has been hard for me. I do care and love deeply for the people in my life. Losing a relationship sucks. This song reminds me of that, but it also about being okay in life. She wrote this about her best friend from high school. They were estranged for many years, but as she wrote, they did later reconnect and are as close as ever. The lyrics are great, and I hope you enjoy it and are Happy.

I’ve rambled a lot with this post, but there has been a lot on my mind. I’ve just finished it on the break in Cal’s swim meet. It has been a busy day but am glad to have been able to write. It is good for my mind and soul.

Have a great week,

Jenn

This is 49

My aunt put this in my birthday package. She hit the nail on the head.

Happy Saturday! Here in the Midwest, we have this yellow orb in the sky – the snow is melting – it is glorious. It truly is amazing what a difference in the weather makes. My youngest was leaving for practice this morning and came back in to tell me, there was no wind. He said, “It’s so nice out there.” This is especially shocking, since he is his mother’s son, and not a morning person. For a teenager to initiate conversation and have enthusiasm about the weather, says a lot.

My birthday week is coming to a close. Going into it, I felt a little sadness, as being out here, is just not the same as being back west. I miss the celebrations my friends would throw for me – and my friends in general. I was pleasantly surprised when my friend and former coworker, B3, reached out and asked to take me to lunch the day before my birthday. He lives more than an hour away from the restaurant/bar next to our old workplace. We feel safe there. It was great to see him, and to have a day when things felt “normal.” There was great conversation, a couple beers, laughs, good food, and awesome music on the jukebox. Since the pandemic began, I have not gone out much. I have a real appreciation for anything that feels familiar. It was a great way to kick off my birthday weekend.

I woke up to 49 on Sunday with a messy house. I was the only one up and stopped myself before I started cleaning and thought about what would make me happies. I went for a drive to a neighboring town and picked up a breakfast sandwich and doughnuts for the family at this great bakery. I miss seeing water. The river has been frozen, so the only place I could think of was the dam. I parked, enjoyed my sandwich while listening to Stern and saw water for the first time in a long time. I was lucky enough to see two bald eagles hunting on the other side of the river. I talked to a friend for a bit and then continued to take it all in.

The house was even messier when I returned home. I took a deep breath and didn’t say anything. The youngest went to practice and the hubby and oldest went to Rockford to run errands and pick up an ice cream cake. For the first time in a long time, I had the house to myself. I put on the soft rock station, lit a candle, and cleaned. I love the immediate gratification that cleaning brings. In the peace, I then sat and opened the cards and gifts that had come in the mail. The love was overwhelming. I feel all warm inside just thinking of the outpouring of love. I then checked texts and FB. Again, all the fuzzies. A friend gives me her copy of People magazine every year when they have their 100 lb weight loss issue (She knows I love it). It had been sitting on my end table for a couple months, and in the quiet, I turned nearly every page of that magazine. (coincidentally, she is one of my favorite people and her birthday is the day before mine)

The boys picked up Red Lobster for dinner and our close friends, The “Lambos” came over. It was important to me to spend my birthday with family, and they are our family out here. It was a big treat for all of us, as they don’t get out much since the pandemic began, having a child who is high risk. They had just gotten a puppy that day and brought her as well. Seeing that puppy was the cherry on top of the sundae – that was my birthday.

Nearly every day of the week, has brought more birthday love. This really was one of my favorite birthdays. I don’t know how the fuck I am forty-nine years old…but I didn’t dwell on the number. I felt the love and am truly able to appreciate all this life has blessed me with. I plan to make this year before turning 5-0, nothing short of fantastic.

I feel grateful to have the peace of mind that comes along with aging. I stress much less about the small stuff. I am more comfortable in my own skin, than I ever though I could be. I feel good about the person I am but know I can be better – and work on this all the time. Physically, though, I feel the aches and pains of someone much older. I have not mentioned my foot pain much, because I am tired of feeling like a giant pussy when it comes to injuries. I had an x-ray done before the holidays and knew the results were not good, although really didn’t understand them. I was referred to a podiatrist, but because we ended up without insurance for January, I could not go until earlier this week. More x-rays were done and confirmed what I knew was coming – surgery. I also have this large lump on the top of my foot in between my ankle. I showed my friend the other day, and she said, “That is huge!” (yes, that’s what she said). I have not always had it so asked the Dr about it a few years ago. I was told it was normal. Um, okay. I worried as a boy I had a crush on when I was in h.s. had a lump on his ankle and it turned out to be cancerous. Thank God, our friend Ed made him get it checked out. The Dr explained my lump away, but it always made me uneasy. So, now with an actual foot Dr, I was asked what I did to my ankle. She led with this, so it freaked me out for a minute. Apparently this large lump is a bone spur from a previous injury. My guess is that’s what caused me to walk differently or whatever it is that caused the problems with my foot. The bone spur will also be removed at time of surgery. I will be off my feet for two weeks, then in a boot for six weeks. The next two months will be spent wearing a men’s shoe (because of the swelling) and p/t. Hopefully I will be good to hike after four months or so – but it is a year before total recovery.

I had a nice little pity party on Tuesday, complete with lots of food and wine. Thankfully, I put my big girl panties back on and have been back on track. My bp was shitty at the Dr’s office, and I want to be as healthy as I can be before surgery. I will know the surgery date this week, but for now, I only know it will be in March.

Outside of the foot thing, this week has continued to be great. My editor returned what is to be the last edit (her part anyway) last night. She had such great words to say about the story. I am excited to see what this will look like, after I’m done accepting/rejecting her changes, etc. I now know how my week will be spent. I don’t know what I did in this life to deserve her, but she really is an angel. I feel a true connection with her. Not only is she charging me half her normal rate (and I know she put more time in it on top of that), but a package arrived from her on my birthday. She did not know it was my birthday – how crazy is that? She sent a book for me to read from same genre and wants to know what I think of the publisher, as finding a publisher is the next step. The person I hired, spent her own money to send me a book…. She is also encouraging me to write another book. Having someone believe in you is priceless.

I should get out and about. I have promised myself to get in exercise every day before my surgery. It hurts my soul that I will not be able to do the things I want for so long, but I know it could always be worse. I am lucky to be taking care of this now, before it gets even worse and more painful.

Please go out and seize the day – you never know what tomorrow will bring.

I’ll leave you with this song I woke up to at 2 AM (in my head-have not heard it in years). It is not my song. A friend has a story to it, although I don’t know the story – only that it was a song that really got to her. There is irony to this song.

~Jenn

Small Victories are Life Saving

Happy Friday! We are still frozen solid out here in the Midwest. Snow is lightly falling. A friend is texting me now, about his upcoming west coast trip to Palm Springs, Phoenix and Vegas. Big sigh. I miss traveling. I miss my friends. I miss the sun.

My phone got fried on Monday. I did not get a new phone until last night and switched service, so I can’t see any of my messages from the week. It was quite stressful, since Jim had his surgery on Monday. Thankfully, I was able to connect with his wife on messenger on my laptop for updates. The surgery was supposed to be no more than four hours but ended up at 6 ½. He had an internal bleed, but thankfully they were able to get it under control. They could not get all the cancer out and will hit the rest with radiation. The following night he threw a blood clot near his heart. They put in a mesh screen yesterday. The poor guy has really been through it. I hate that he is going through this, but I’m so glad he does have good care – and a deep faith.

Not having a phone was also nerve wracking as I have a job I’ve been interviewing for. I have gone through all three interviews. I am actually excited about this opportunity so am really hoping this works out. Being home has been nice, but I need to feel like I’m contributing more to our finances. Brian is still supportive of me being home, but I do the bills etc. Even though we planned for this, the thought of taking money from the savings we set aside – kills me.

I am grateful for the time I’ve had. My editor is now doing what she says is the last edit on the book. There will be small things to tweak after this, but we are in the home stretch. It will still be a journey to see if can find a publisher, but if that doesn’t work out – I can self-publish. I am excited about the story. Although, I recently watched FireFly Lane, and there are a few similarities – not with the story – but with events. Doh.

I watched an interview with Coach P yesterday. I had never heard of her, but she was promoting her book on living with bipolar disorder. She said, “stories over stigma.” While I don’t think I am bipolar, I certainly deal with depression issues. These past couple of weeks have been quite rough. I started feeling what I know to be depressive feelings associated with my hormones. Unfortunately, I know those feelings well. I thought it was too early, but the female body doesn’t really give a shit about how a cycle should work. I felt lousy for about 8 or 9 days before I started a light cycle. I had extensive anxiety – like the kind from the early months of the pandemic. I have eaten everything in sight. For the second month in a row, I went 3 weeks in between cycles starting…. For the past 9 days, I have been bleeding. It was light until two days ago and now it is awful. To the point, where I would not want to go in public. I was awake and active at 4:30 this morning but thank God, for not working and being able to go back to sleep later and slept a full two hours. It was much needed.

With the last blog, I wrote about Red, Red, Wine starting when I started writing. I took it as a sign and had some wine that night. I know better. My hormones have been crazy. The time before when I drank, I felt all the feels. The same thing happened Sunday. I drank too much – a full bottle. I drank over several hours, with glasses of water – but being on an antidepressant does not mix well with that much wine. I will work hard to not let that happen again. It takes me to super sad places and then still don’t feel right the next day.

The depression of the last two or three weeks has led me to not want to get out of bed. I am proud of the fact that I make myself get up and do chores. I have done things that normally make me feel good. I am not a big tv binger but binged Bridgerton and FireFly Lane. I loved both of them. I also read, “Burn the Place.” A friend had just finished it and said she’d heard the author on a podcast. As with any show or book, I like to go into it without knowing anything it’s about. When it arrived, I was like…shit…I would have never read this. It’s an autobiography about a woman I have never heard of, but it was simply wonderful. It is about her life growing up, her fight with her sexuality, addiction, and her success as a chef – opening restaurants. She didn’t hold back. She told her truths, even when it made her look terrible. I also watched a movie called, I Can Only Imagine. I thought it was about something else and recorded wrong movie. I was having a particular bad night, and I’m so glad I watched this. It’s the life story of the lead singer from the band, Mercy Me (Christian group). I had never heard of them, but it was truly inspiring. I thought I was in bed for the night, but I paused it 45 minutes in and made myself clean my bathroom. I felt so good the next morning that it had been done. The movie does make you realize how good we all have it – and how we are capable of anything. There was also a lot of references to Amy Grant in the movie. I don’t think anyone knows this, but when I was younger, I listened to her cassettes over and over. This was back when she was a Christian singer, before had gone mainstream. I adore her. Seeing her in the movie, made me like her even more. She is a wonderful person.

Through this time, I have not gotten my steps on most days. I have not tracked my food. There were a few days when I ate so much, my stomach hurt, and then I ate some more. I have not been hard on myself, even though, I know I now have more weight to lose than I did two weeks ago. Last week I had gained 2.5 pounds. This week, I did not get on the scale. Many will not be able to relate, but I am proud of myself through this time. I got out of bed. I cleaned. I cooked. I was present for the family. I still did my weekly “Thai date” with my friend. I’ve made myself do a lot of things, when I just want to pull the covers over my head.

I had planned for going into 4-9 much differently. I thought I would be down to the next next 10 in weight. I had been feeling so great. I won’t go into the birthday at a good weight, but I am feeling better. It’s funny, physically my cycle is life ruining, but mentally, my hormones are now getting better. I will take it. There is a package from my auntie and a card from my dad, sitting on my table. A friend just text to see how the birthday girl is doing. She counts down for me every year. Sunday will be a great day. I am looking forward to my birthday.

I hope you’ve enjoyed reading the rantings of an overweight older woman, who still gets awful periods, eats and drinks too much, Amy Grant loving, swears like a sailor and can’t figure out how to use an iPhone chick. I appreciate you being here through this. I hope the next post will be about much more positive things.

~Jenn

Life with Boys

Okay, the universe is trying to tell me something….For the second day in a row, I’ve turned on the 80’s music channel on t.v. and Red, Red, Wine starts. I’m telling you…the t.v. is like a best friend trying to talk you into drinking, when you know you shouldn’t. I love wine. Truly love it. Sometimes it is a depressant, and that totally fucking sucks. It’s like your boyfriend cheating on you. They are supposed to make you feel all good inside and bam! Haven’t thought about something awful in a long time? Wine will remind you and make you as sad as the day it happened. Other times, it is my favorite feeling. I feel warm, relaxed, social – the things I want to always feel but don’t. Huh. Not how I thought this blog would start, but the universe thought I needed to get some thoughts out, I guess.

I hope this Valentine’s Day is treating you well. I guess it’s like wine for many, in how they feel about it. It has never been a big deal to me. I usually think of my Grandma June, as it was her birthday. I don’t think she liked me much, but I still think of her. VDay is one week before my birthday, so Brian always jokes about blending the two together. He jokes, but he does do this. The poor guy got home this morning after being gone for work for 16 ½ hours. He still came home with a sweet card. That, to me, is the best. As tired as he was, he thought of me. What did I get him? Uh, I thought we would wait until he had a day off. Whoops. Oh man. ONJ just came on. Maybe I should turn off the music. Distracting. Any song by her takes me back, but especially Magic (which is playing). Put on your roller skates and find a cute partner for the couples skate. Anyway, my love language is gifts and services. I will make Brian some cookies. We are out of eggs, so I need to figure the best egg substitute. The house if clean. I will pack an emergency bag for the car for him. It is -20 wind chill right now and only supposed to get colder. His laundry is clean. Dinner is made for him to take. This may not be how you view romance, but if those things are done for me – Bam! Panties off. I think they call this choremance.

Last weekend I was putting groceries away and noticed the 1,000 bags of nearly empty bags of chips scattered around. Shame on me for continuing to buy them, but every time I look, I see we are almost out. I don’t eat chips much, so it’s not something I keep a close eye on. This type of shit makes me bat shit crazy…. Every day in this house is an act of self-restraint. I have gotten much better in recent years about holding it all in. It does no good to ask for help or point things out. Still, I do speak up sometimes. Yesterday was one of those days, and Brian says, ”If you weren’t so cute, I’d find you annoying.” Grrrr….sweet but grrrrr. I Hate a dirty house. It is especially worse amid a pandemic, weather that is unfit to go out in, and being jobless. I work hard to keep it all up. It makes me feel good to clean. I love the instant results. It makes it much harder, when I’m constantly cleaning up after 3 able bodies boys. Back in the day, Brian and I had agreement that whoever doesn’t cook, had to clean up. That went out the window years ago. I usually do both. It is fine now, though. He is working. I am not. I remind myself of this every day. We have a small entry way. I put in a shoe house or whatever it’s called. If I were to look now, there are probably seven pair of shoes kicked up next to it. Like a fucking inch away… If I were to walk into the boys’ bathroom right now, I’ll likely see an electric toothbrush sitting right in front of the charger, an empty tp roll on the roller and a roll on the counter. The soap may be out – when there’s a big thing of refillable hand wash under the sink. A stack of Brian and Cal’s dirty clothes – Ryne got tired of me bitching a year or so ago and does pick his up. On some days, my toothpaste is also in there (because nobody looked under the cabinet or in the drawer to see where I have them stocked). It is recycling put on the counter, because apparently the trash can I have labeled “recycling” is too far away (but maybe six feet – I know since I’m the only one who takes it or the garbage out). I could go on and on and on…It is maddening.

As I’ve gotten older, I have come to realize more and more – what is most important. Sure, the things above make me fucking nuts, but I have learned to let those things go more easily. I think of Brian, tired, stressed, and he stops to get me a card. I would have been fine with him coming right home to sleep. I went back to the bed when he got home, because I know he sleeps best when I’m next to him. I stayed there for about an hour until I knew he was sleeping hard. We have been together – oh shit – quick math – 28 years, and he wants me next to him. He makes me laugh every single day. He works hard for our family. He has taken on the responsibility of making the money while I try to figure things out for myself. He never says, are you going to eat all of that or haven’t you had enough to drink? He is attracted to me at any weight, and I find him as sexy as the day we met. He is faithful. He has stayed with me, when I wouldn’t have blamed him for leaving.

Yes, life with boys is not easy. I might be going through a midlife crisis (okay, I know I’m older than midlife, but in my head -that’s how I see it) as far as a career, but I feel grounded in my home life. I’m lucky to have my life with boys.

Today is the last time I will post my blog to my personal home page. I will continue to on the diaryofherjourney FB page. It is too hard for me to be vulnerable to so many people. If people want to read this, hopefully they will subscribe on the home page of the blog. It will only email you if I post something new. I would like to grow this with people who have my best interest at heart and are helping me to realizing a dream.

Damn, I can’t get Red, Red, Wine out of my head.

We will talk about how bad I’ve been shitting the bed on my food choices next time.

I hope this day finds you right where you want to be.

~Jenn

Cancer Schmancer

Happy Tuesday to you! I hope you are somewhere warm…and if you are – please tell me how good the sun feels. The last time I checked this morning, it was -8 here in the Midwest. Big sigh. We are living in an ugly ice castle. The snow is just big mounds of ice at this point. We had been invited to Honolulu next month, and if not for this pandemic, I would have ticket in hand.

The above picture is of Alan and my son, Caleb (8/30/20). I have previously written about Alan and his kind soul. We were lucky enough to be adopted into his wonderful family. It started with our good friends the “Lambos” inviting us to a holiday dinner and Jackie’s family instantly taking in our wayward souls. Before the pandemic, we spent all the holidays at Jackie’s or Stacy’s (Jackie’s sister, who has also become a great friend) house. 2020 has been a bad year for all, but the Olson family was hit extra hard as Alan was diagnosed with brain cancer. He was given about six months to live. Cancer is cruel, though, and it wasn’t long before he was in the hospital with only hours to days to live, unable to get out of bed. Through what felt like divine intervention, the tumor moved – or something – and Alan was able to go home (walking) and have more time on this earth. He was quite affected by the tumor but in many ways, could still be his lovely self. Caleb and I were lucky enough to spend time with the family in their home (it was the first time since pandemic, I went into another home). It was during one of these visits, I was able to tell Alan, exactly what he meant to me. We were sitting out in the sun, with just his brother and Caleb. I was nervous to show my vulnerability, but I thank God I had the courage to say what I did. I told him how much I appreciated him – especially when I had been so ill. I let him know that when you go through something like that, not many people get it, or want to get just how scary and hard it is to nearly lose your life – to live for months without knowing what is wrong. Alan knew, long before his illness, he knew. He had his church praying for me, long after I assured him I was okay. He went from being my friends’ dad, to being someone who understood my plight more than anyone I knew. He did the same thing through my neck surgery and in these years since – always asking with such a kind and loving heart how I was doing. Alan’s response, as he was dying of cancer, when I brought this up – was to get emotional and say how worried he had been about me…. Our conversation was quite emotional, for both of us.

The following week, Alan was at our house, sitting in a chair – directing Brian and Lambo on a kitchen project. He was unable to do the work himself, but a half hour in, asking the guys, “What are you doing?” and told them what to do. Yes, a man on hospice, spent time to help us with a garbage disposal….

In my last blog post, I wrote about choosing to leave a job I knew would not be right for me. Alan was in what we knew would be his final days, and I am so glad I was home on Friday. I was able to make dinner for their family and send it over with Jackie. It made my heart feel good to do something, anything, during such a rough time for this family I love so much. I just needed them to know I was thinking of them.

On Sunday, Alan lost his battle with cancer. My heart breaks for the family.

Cancer is such a mother fucker. I say this as I’m wearing a sweatshirt in support of a friend battling breast cancer right now. She is a warrior and pray for the best for her. And let me tell you something, she is rocking the fuck out of her bald head.

At the same time, my friend Jim is fighting his second battle with cancer. Jim and I were coworkers and it took us a minute to become close. We have completely different work styles. He is a bulldog. I remember him tearing into a supplier and we could all hear what was going on – a coworker from another dept -emails me, saying, “It’s a bad day to be Carlos.” I still laugh thinking of this. Still this bulldog, ex-Navy guy, and I became very close. He refers to me as his “big sister.” He is older than me, so I’m not sure if it’s because of my height, or the fact that I act like an old lady with all my wisdom. Haha. We have had some wonderful conversations, full of vulnerability, trust, love, and empathy. He was the first one to have us over for holiday meals. In fact, it is only Jim and his wife Chris, along with the Olson’s who have invited us to spend holidays with their families (out here in the Midwest). Jim’s love and protective nature have also left an imprint on my heart. There are not many imprints on this heart of mine. I will fiercely love and protect anyone who has left this mark – always.

In 2016, Jim fought cancer. It was a brutal battle. First, it was surgery. We (some coworkers) sent him pink, “It’s a girl” balloons and teddy bear etc to his room. The hospital staff would walk into his room, all confused, and Jim would have to explain they were sent for his “sex change operation.” I can still see the tough ex-Navy guy doing this. He was a wonderful sense of humor and recently was lamenting about being pushed through the hospital with his release, balloons tied to the wheelchair, and pink teddy bear in hand – getting all sorts of strange looks. Jim needed several months of chemo and radiation after surgery. Even though it was lung cancer, radiation was done on his head to prevent spread to his brain. Unfortunately, they over-radiated his brain. This has caused a lot of issues and now the cancer has returned. He is having a procedure done on 2/12 and surgery on 2/15. He will also need radiation again. My heart breaks for his situation and all that his wife is going through. Because of everything, Jim has been unable to work since 1/2020. With his blessing, I was lucky enough to be able to start a go fund me page. There have been many tears of joy and gratitude with donations, that have come from some of my friends and family, who have never even met him. I am not sure what I have done in this life to know such loving people, but I am forever grateful.

I know this was a heavy post. We have all been touched by cancer in many ways. I pray there will soon be an end to this – through gentle cures. I pray there is an end to this GD pandemic, that makes it all so much worse.

Thank you for allowing me to write this post and enabling me to get out some of the emotion that I keep try to stuff further and further down.

I wish you a great day – full of good health – and the vulnerability needed to tell those you love them – that you do. We only have this one, precious life.

~Jenn

Dreams and Week 4 Results

Happy Saturday! I hope you were able to sleep in. I have been up since 3:30 or so, but I did not get up until after 5. It is supposed to be -20 with wind chill factor today. I wish I were still snuggled up under the covers. I don’t know why my sleep patters have been so jacked up again but hopefully this will be short lived.

Brian is now through his first two weeks of work and is happy with his workplace. He has also been lucky enough to work most of it from home. The work he does, mostly needs to be done in person. His commute – 100 miles each way into downtown Chicago… So, we have truly appreciated how things worked out in this first couple of weeks.

Me, well, I think I am going through some sort of midlife crisis when it comes to jobs. It has been brewing for years now, but I feel it now, more than ever before. I have been thinking of my former co-worker Donna, a lot lately. Yesterday I received a lengthy email from her. It was good to hear from her, but my heart breaks for all she has been through. We worked together at my last job. We got along well. She was old school, put your head down and work – but was fortunate to get to know her on a personal level, as well. She and her husband David were a year or so away from retirement when I met her. David was able to retire first. Donna was to be about six months behind him. They had been building their retirement home in Galena since I met her. They had saved their whole lives for retirement. Donna is so good with money – unlike me. I asked her how they were able to save so much, and she shared her budget spreadsheet with me. While Donna was still working, she needed knee surgery and went out for what was supposed to be six weeks. The knee surgery caused other knee issues and subsequently, she had two more surgeries. She kept in contact all the while with plans of returning to work for a bit. Over the holidays of Dec 2019, Donna’s husband became suddenly ill, and they learned he had cancer. Donna was forced to retire, so she could care for him. Her husband fought the good fight but lost his battle around the holidays of this year. It has always made me angry – they worked so hard their whole lives – living frugally – finally building their dream home – and never got to fully enjoy it or retired life together.

Donna’s situation has stayed with me. There is more to life than spending our days doing a job we don’t enjoy (in my case anyway). Life is hard and demanding, though. We all have bills. We have commitments and obligations. We do need to think about retirement – all while trying to not let life pass us by in the quest for financial security.

When I left my last job, my plan was to take some time off. I was burned out. The job, this pandemic had all gotten to me. I wanted to focus on my health and on writing. It was unfortunate when Brian’s job was suddenly outsourced to India…leaving us both scrambling for jobs. We were lucky in that we both had offers right away and started our new jobs on the same day. I knew the first day of my new job, that it was not the place for me. I was to replace the purchasing manager who was retiring. We were in this tiny office, with our desks, back-to-back about foot and half apart. The purchasing department is in a small office, attached to our office. There is a sliding door there, but it is always open. I was the only one wearing a mask. The president of the company does not believe in them, so people don’t wear masks. I had been told their MRP system was outdated, but in reality, there was not MRP system – just a makeshift way built around, not having a system. Without the proper tools, the team prints everything out and writes all the information on paper and transfers notes onto post its and puts them on a corkboard. My days were spent copying and pasting information in the computer and then writing things out. I need stimulation. There were many things, but I could not see this as my life. It was easy enough. I could have gotten by. I had a good salary. It scared me, that I could see myself doing this day in and day out for years, always being unhappy. I beat myself up over this. I was lucky to have a good job. I knew I should be grateful. I told my friend Caity about what I was going through and how I could not stay. I expected for her to try and talk me into continuing, instead she said, “I’m proud of you for knowing what won’t work for you. You’re amazing!” She also sent me the meme at the top of this post. I gave the job two weeks, hoping I could see things differently, but I left the job. I am thankful to Caity and for my Friday night zoom happy hour friends for supporting me in this difficult decision. The BFF had sent me some gifts in celebration of me taking that job – I wonder if she’ll want me to return them? J/K. If I offered, she would tell me they were my “Taking care of you,” gifts.

While all of this was going on at the new job, I have been working with my first editor again. She is now working on a magazine and is sending me copies, encouraging me to submit some articles. Me? She is amazing. My friend Asha is also reading my book for the first time. While I was wanting to stab my eyes out at work, she would send me the nicest texts about where she was at in the book. Yesterday she said, she finds herself wanting to yell at the girls – Don’t do it! before they go on to their mistakes. The writing thing will likely never go anywhere, but the dream is alive, thanks to supportive people like Lesley and Asha.

I also think of my former boss and mentor. When we were in the UK on business, we got quite tanked (more than once, ha, along with our colleague B3). It was when we were drunk that I confessed I really don’t like what I do for a living. His reaction- But you’re so good at it! Imagine how good you would be doing something you liked! I have never forgotten this. This meant a lot coming from him.

I did not do shit for exercise during the work week. My diet, though, was on point, and I was rewarded with a 2.2 pound loss this past week. I am nervous about my upcoming Monday weigh-in, though. I ate through the stress on Thursday. The chick who has hardly consumed meat in 2021, ate a bacon cheeseburger and tater tots, complete with ranch dressing and finished the day off with a vegan (but fatty) ice cream bar. I got back on it yesterday, though. Those days will happen. The key is not letting a moment, day, week, or whatever, of weakness, keep you from chasing after your goals. Each night I try to reflect on what I have done that day to get me closer to my dreams. Being skinny is not a dream. Being fit in a healthy body is part of the dream.

I hope this day finds you one day closer to your dream.

~Jenn

And just like Magic, Xanadu just came on the 80’s station I’ve had on in the background. Cheers to ONJ! Enjoy.

Week 2 – Tiny steps and smoke

Happy Thursday! I hope this day finds you feeling well. It has warmed up here and is now a balmy 36 degrees outside. I walked outside on Tuesday in “feels like” weather of 10 degrees. My knees and foot ache in the cold weather-and after, so yesterday when it was 6 out, I got my 10,000 steps done indoors. It is the second time I have done this, and it’s a lot of laps in our little house. So, today I look forward to some natural Vitamin D and helping my dog to calm down. She stalks me when we don’t go for a walk.

I did buy a recumbent bike this weekend. It is currently sitting outside. I bought it used from a lady but did not realize that smoke smell would stick to a bike. I wiped down every inch of it when we got home and have also heavily doused it with Lysol a couple of times. It still stinks. I am hoping leaving it outside all day will help get the smell off this thing. Lesson learned: always ask if something comes from a smoke free home.

Men, you may want to skip this paragraph. As I have talked a lot on this blog, my cycles can be quite rough. I was hopeful after last months was lighter both mentally and physically. I keep praying that menopause will come in and save me one month. This one was rough. I can’t bitch too much, because they are better than they used to be. I no longer get these giant wooshes that go through everything and end up on the chairs while I am in meetings or those types of things. Still, the dramatic part of me kicks in every month. I was sitting on the pot the other day, feeling like I’m bleeding out, thinking, this is the worst – when suddenly the toilet seat broke….Well played universe. Well played. Yes, it can always be worse.

I start my new job on Monday. I have tried not to think about it too much, because I have a lot of anxiety. I hope I chose the right one, but there are doubts that have crept in since making my decision. There are concerns about the position but also, I am really nervous about COVID. In this position, I will be packed in a small office with people who do not wear masks. If someone gets it, we will all get it.

I became good friends at my last job with a guy we call B3. We made a great team at work and a friendship grew from there. He has always been concerned about COVID, stating that his house is small and worried about giving it to his family. His son also has down syndrome, and he worries what would happen if he got it. B3 and I have both only been in restaurants twice since March: once when I was leaving job and couple weeks ago, on his last day. We went to the same restaurant/bar near our old work. It is open and spacious, with tall ceilings and plenty of room between tables. We wore masks when we were not eating. We just both take this so seriously. He started his new job last week. He wore a mask every day. He was concerned because it is a small office, so he started wearing a mask in his home, and in the car with his family – even when driving daughter back to college. He has worn the mask around his parents, who he has also been worried about. Yes, this guy who has been so careful – got COVID his first week at his new job – from his coworker. I hate this fucking virus. B3 and I talk every day and I worry so much for he and his family. Now, my anxiety is ramped up even more, knowing what happened to him. This virus is cruel, and I hope we can eradicate this thing soon….

Anyway, enough about that – just letting you know how my anxiety has been getting to me. Outside of that, things are going well. My diet is on track, although I have already used a lot of my reserve WW points for the week (I drank 2/3 bottle of wine last night). I took a break from the 10,000+ steps on Sunday as my body needed it but have otherwise been hitting my goals. I feel good about where I am at but do have to constantly remind myself – this is a journey – it will not happen overnight. I am in a weight loss competition. I knew I would not win but love camaraderie of people working towards the same goals. I am getting smoked. I just have to keep the eye on the biggest prize, my health. I have a long way to go, but the only way to get there is one step at a time.

OMG…My friend just sent me a picture of her new 3-legged, six-month-old puppy. Holy cuteness! Day made. And wow – B3 just sent me one of his kitty giving him love. Seriously, if you want to make my day – send me pics of your pets.

I hope you all have a wonderful day. Please stay safe and healthy.

Jenn

Shake It Off – Week 1 results

Happy Monday to you! Also known to many of us as the dreaded weigh-in day. I am also in a weight loss “competition” that weighs in on Wednesdays. I joined, not because I thought I could win, but for the comradery of it. I only know two people in the group, but most are local, so I am hoping to get to know more people by the end of it. The competition is app based. It is so easy. I wish I would have known about this when I was doing weigh-ins for people.

I had really been off for several days. I could not shake it. You could probably tell by my morose post yesterday. It finally dawned on me last night, that it was PMS. Duh. It is early, so I was not expecting it. Thought it was all fallout from trying to wean off the antidepressant. I woke up this morning to my cycle – and a clearer, happier headspace.

With this development, I was nervous to step on the scale. However, my hard work was rewarded with a 2 ½ pound loss. That is nearly 5 pounds in two weeks. I am really happy with this. We do not always see the results we think we should, so I will gladly take this. I searched 2.5 weight loss images and only found the shaker weight. I have seen cool images of what weight loss looks like. If you know of what site that’s on, please let me know. I remember being on a girls trip to Vegas and this bar we were in had the shaker commercial running the whole time on their tv’s as to simulate hand jobs. In other words, I lost a hand job this week.

Things that have gone well: I have continued to drink a lot of water. I have started drinking mostly tepid water. I have heard for a long time that it is better for you because and it makes sense to me – especially if you are eating and drinking water – cold water would harden whatever fat you might be eating. I drink about 20+ ounces each morning before I eat or drink anything. That is also supposed to be good to get things moving. I have done a lot of walking. I have been accountable for what I have been eating. It really is that simple – the execution anyway – we know there is a million mind fucks in between.

Every day is a good day but am especially looking forward to today. A friend is driving out to visit. We are going on a walk (happy she wants to join me in the cold) and grabbing some lunch. With the pandemic, I have not had a lot of in person social time. She had wanted to meet earlier last week, but I knew she had been to a party and had to put it off. I get nervous about that damn virus – with good reason. Poor Cal is suffering a lot of the aftereffects that many go through with COVID. It breaks my heart. Later today Brian is returning from a four-day trip. He has the antibodies now, so I am glad he was able to spend time with friends before starting his new job next Monday. Ryne was also house/dog sitting during this time, so Caleb and I got to spend some quality time together while they were both out.

I hope you all have a wonderful day today as well.

Below is a photo of my breakfast. I normally do a smoothie or sometimes fresh juice, but this was easiest in my current condition. (dramatic much?) I often do this as a snack. It is non-fat, plain Greek yogurt with frozen blueberries. I do this with different types of fruit – a Cutie being my favorite lately. It is 0 point on Blue WW. It is taste great and is guilt free. Winning.

~Jenn

Days 2-3 and a lifetime in making

Happy Hump Day! I have known and used the phrase Hump Day since I was a kid. My stepdad was in radio and he made a big deal of Hump Day every Wednesday over the airwaves. I can still hear him. For most of life that is what I have thought about until recent years when those annoying commercials came out with the camels. My husband does it in that camel voice every Wednesday. It makes the boys crazy but I like seeing my husband get giddy, like a kid. Mostly, though, I think about a friend who was telling another friend and I how she and her husband rarely have sex. She wanted to fix that, and I told her she should start using Hump Day to get it on and make it a standing date. I cannot remember their path, but their relationship did improve. When they got pregnant, my other friend said, Well, it must have happened on a Wednesday.

I am now three days into a renewed energy toward weight loss. I have gained and lost weight my entire life. Most of it just gaining. In recent years, I lost a total of approximately 140 pounds. I know for sure it was 120 but when my weight got that high – I refused to weigh myself again and likely put on another 20 after that. I have put 76 pounds of that lost weight back on. That was hard to say. I do not think I had admitted that to anyone (although, I am sure they could tell by looking at me). Since then, I have lost 26 pounds and have fifty pounds to get to my goal weight.

I know the reasons I gained the weight back. We all have our own journeys that have led us to different types of addictions. I could not control getting sick. I had no idea that my body was depleting potassium due to a blood pressure prescription. I knew I was sick but when the brain is not functioning properly, one does not think clearly. This happened for months before I ended up nearly dying. When I was sick, I damaged my body. Pounding the hell out of it while working out and trying to get my mental health better but could not feel my body. I did not know this, because again, my brain was not functioning properly. This led to the plate in my neck and the reason I am told I need back surgery. I am not rehashing things a lot of my regular readers know for any other reason to say – I could not stop this. I did not know what was happening. I could, however, have reacted to my circumstances differently. How I reacted, caused the weight gain. How I have reacted to things my whole life, has caused the weight gain. Nearly dying didn’t make me gain the weight – how I responded to it, did.

It sucks being accountable for our mistakes. I just chuckled out loud to myself as I have made many mistakes in my time on earth. My cousin once told me, we cannot control a lot in our life, but we can control what we eat. She is spot on. If life feels out of control, we should take control where we can. This is what helps to keep us sane.

I feel this in my bones….I will lose this fifty pounds. I will live a healthy life. The fire is here. I have accountability by exposing myself to anyone who stumbles upon this blog.

I am only on day 3 of this new and improved journey but I feel great (outside of a body that screams at me most of the day). I will be 49 in a matter of weeks. I really do not know how in the fuck that happened. My brain thinks I am 29 and I will continue listening to her. My journey will be slow and I am okay with that. I have grown a lot in this way in these last years. My eye is on the prize. I will get there one pound at a time.

I hope you continue to follow along this journey. During this, I hope you are inspired to create your own goals.

It might be hard to put your faith in me. I have already gained, gained, gained, lost, gained, losing. I am also someone who was at Costco yesterday and had to wear my glasses on top of my head as they kept fogging up. I had to use the restroom (which completely freaked me out) and was careful to avoid touching all I could. I went back out and continued to shop. I was all the way across the building when I realized my glasses were not on top of my head. I panicked and power walked back to the bathroom in fear, picturing them on the floor of a public bathroom. I panicked even more when they were not there. I began to retrace my steps, before realizing, my glasses were on my face.

I tell you this story, so you know, without a doubt – if I can take this journey toward better health- so can you.

Days 2,3 over 10k steps each day, continued plank challenge, did 5 girl pushups today, did (3) sets of 15 arm workouts with 3-pound weights. I dipped into my extra WW points yesterday but am eating well. Past versions of myself would be too embarrassed to tell where I am at – but this version is nothing but proud.

I hope you can look back at your days and be proud, too.

Jenn