Returning to Me

Oh boy, where does one start after not writing for – more than half a year? Don’t worry, this won’t be some recap of my everyday life. I just knew, I needed to write. First and foremost, I’m writing because it’s therapeutic to me. Also, I write for you: the person who take the time to read this, likely because you connect to what I say. I’ve always truly appreciated it.

There is so much vulnerability in writing. I’m so thankful for therapy, which has given me the gift of being vulnerable. It’s still not easy, but I’m grateful to those who have reached out because of my writing to let me know I’m not alone in so many ways. I began writing many years ago, after our move to the Midwest (boooooo!), and I’ve always published the link to my social media. I’ve decided to no longer do this. It saddens me in a way, as I’ve developed closer relationships with existing friends and family through writing, but it takes away some of the freedom I’d like in talking about my life. Also, to be completely truthful (if took a long time to admit this to myself), but I think I published to my social media, to try and be seen or recognized in ways I haven’t felt in my life. My writing shouldn’t be about that. It’s a version of taking an antidepressant by getting things out there. In giving my soul to those I know, it also creates anxiety – sometimes I’d need to drink to find the courage to write, and almost always would have to drink after. I’d drink because I’d use writing as my voice to speak to those, I didn’t have the courage to say the words to or I’d worry those who didn’t deserve to read my words, would have access to my life. Here I am, onto a new chapter and unsure if anyone will see these words, but I am okay with that. It’s a calling.

I’m settled into my recliner, with my foot wrapped. I had surgery a couple of weeks ago on foot and big toe. My joints (except top) in my big toe were fused and my foot is fused as to not flex. This surgery came thirteen months after the last surgery on this foot for a bunion and large bone spur on my ankle. This one came after months of swelling and pain and finding that my big toe was riddled with arthritis which caused me to walk on the outside of my foot. There was no arthritis in the x-rays from a year ago, so this is highly unusual. It’s likely caused by my autoimmune issues. I’ve got another 4-6 of non-weight bearing and on this darn knee scooter. I’m not a fan and starting to go a little crazy. I went into this surgery, knowing that I’ve dealt with depression after each surgery and have approached this one differently in hoping to stave off the depression. I’ve gotten out of the house more and done more than I should. Physically I feel the overdoing of everything. Mentally, I’m grateful to be doing so well. I’ve just come out of a significant depression and weight gain.

Since becoming perimenopausal, I’ve tried different antidepressants with varying degrees of success and side effects. I’ve come to accept, at least while I’m dealing with menopause, that I need to be medicated. Thankfully, I’m on one now that has really helped in these last few months. If you’re going through the stage where you aren’t finding one that works, I understand your frustrations. I would go periods without, as I couldn’t take it anymore. Once you find the right one, though, it is life changing. I’ve had to let go of the stigma of thinking I’m crazy or broken and accept that I’m a human that struggles and accept the help of medication.

2022 is a year of change. Some of the changes, are intentional, while some I have no control over. I only know that I will work hard to make the best of some of these situations, while still being human and going through grief and having doubts about myself. It is scary to be fifty years old and have no idea what the future holds in so many ways. If you’ve stumbled across this blog, I hope you’ll stay with it and hopefully we can figure things out together. I always love hearing from you.

~Jenn